Depression and Moods- Check in! (Page 6)

Spider,

I'm sorry for all you are going through. Believe me, I know the feeling of carrying the weight of the world. So let me ask a question. If you are avoiding meds because of the effect on training you aren't doing, why are you avoiding the meds? If you aren't training, meds can only help...right? Of all of the side effects I've had on meds, not training wasn't one of them. I've had severe reactions to all anti-d's I've been on except for Wellbutrin and Cymbalta. Neither of these have weight gain or sexual side effects. In fact, when I first got on Cymbalta, I lost weight.

It's hard to train carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Let the meds lighten the load. 

Just a quick update, it looks like my wife is in her final stages. We don't know if we have 2 weeks or 2 months. The docs are now talking about stopping treatment and hospice. We are meeting with her primary oncologist later today to see what he says. In the Phase 1 clinical trials (absolute cutting edge meds) they have nothing else to offer. Her cancer is now in her brain, both lungs, bones, muscles, skin, pancreas and both kidneys.

I've had to tell my kids (12, 10 and 8) that their mom is dying. That is the absolute worst conversation I've ever had in my life. I can't imagine there are any that are worse.

Surprisingly, I'm doing OK. Obviously I'm hurting and reeling - but not spiraling downward. I'm training when I can. I'm signed up for 3 races (2 sprints and a half ironman) that may or may not happen now. The HIM almost surely won't since I can't get the training hrs in now because of caring for my wife and when she's gone I'm an only parent. As badly as I want the HIM, my obligations and priorities have to be elsewhere right now. 

Checking in, haven't been on in weeks and weeks. I had a really rough patch where things started to feel like they were coming apart. My relationship with my boyfriend is essentially broken, but now is limping along. I started my new job, but along with that comes a whole new can of worms. I moved from one county to another, and its apparent to me that my new county doesn't like my old one and is taking it out on me in bits.

I tried to keep up jogging when things started going south, to try and fight off the bad feelings, but it didn't take long to just end up in bed all day. On top of all that I've gained weight back plus some, which doesn't help me or my relationship. I need to get back to exercising and training, I need to focus on something positive again.

Mman: It's always hard to tell someone that their loved one is dying or has died. And it is unimaginably hard being in that situation where your loved one is dying and explaining it to someone else, let alone your children. My thoughts are with you, as well as all the strength I have. I hope your family will be strong for eachother. 

Hey everyone. Doing OK here. Good days and bad, but to be expected. my wife starts a new clinical trial this week, but there's really no hope of it doing anything. She's clearly going down hill, though has had a better week this past week. I am getting a job offer this week which is good. It will be hard to leave her during the day (I've been officeing from home for several years now).

I hope everyone else is doing OK.

Thought for the day: Decide what you are fighting. Are you fighting for something or against something. If you are fighting against something, it is in control. If you are fighting for something, you are in control and on the offensive. Whatever your challenges, put them on their heels by  fighting for a better life instead of fighting against your demons. The change in mindset is huge!

Have you called and followed up on the job? Fight for it! Make sure they know you are the man (or the ChicagoMan) for the job! I don't know what kind of position it is, but I'd recommend you follow up and make sure they know you want the job and they'd be an absolute fool to hire anyone else but you.

I understand the feeling of failure that can come from not having a job. My story is too long to tell here, but I'm an entrepreneur who's had my share of missteps. Remember that Ray Kroc talked to over 100 banks before getting the 2nd McDonalds funded. The Colonel was well past his 50s when he founded the first KFC. Donald Trump was $1 billion in debt when his empire collapsed in the early 90s. If having job struggles makes you a failure, you are in good company. The point is, just because you fail doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you tried.

Keep your chin up no matter what happens.

You guys are all very kind. Thank you so much for the encouraging words and the support. I can't tell you what it means.

Ironically, for a man who's fought depression all of his life, I'm a fairly optomistic person. Many will ask "Do you see the glass half full or half empty?" For me the answer is Both. I can see the half full part when I work at it (usually it's less than 25% full). It's often hard. But, the half empty part isn't bad to me -- it's opportunity. Sometimes when I look at my situation, I can focus on the negative stuff - watching her die, the bills, the lonliness when she's gone, raising kids alone. I can't tell you how many times I've cried over these things. But I try to focus on other things - I won't need a huge vehicle anymore. Things that the kids and I enjoy, we can do (she's not a camper). We've learned to live more fully to enjoy every moment. And, because of all of this, we've gotten to see a great side of humanity that many don't get to see.

Gang, it's hard to see the good - especially on the bad days. But it is there. While pain and suffering are a part of life, they are not something God intended for us. On the days when you can't find one good thing, look at the one bad thing as an opportunity to get better.

I'm sure you'll have to remind me of this post at some point in the future. ;-) 

And we will do so with much love and admiration.  You are going through so much, yet you spend time bringing wisdom and a caring attitude to others.  Your wife and kids are very lucky.

Hi!  I am new to the forum!  I have been reading this thread and I think it is awsome how supportive everyone is!  I have been in your shoes and battled anxiety/depression all my life when I look back.  The physical implications of mental illness are the most difficult for me; fatigue, laziness, hunger, and cravings.  It was also a huge issue in my marriage for many years.  The last three months I think, I have seen an amazing transformation in my mood.  In November I was diagnosed with epilepsy due to a head injury I sustained in September 2006 after about 9 months of mis-diagnosis.  Since we have found the right treatment I feel so much better and now I am training for a tri!  I never imagined I would do such a thing but it has been an excellent motivator!

So, I identify with all your struggles and I admire you all for your dedication to fitness! Keep it up!

Hey CM,

Don't sweat the job (easy to say, hard to do). Remember that they were putting on their best face in the interview too. When you would have gotten there, I'll bet they weren't all they said they'd be. There's something else out there. Also, sadly in this marketplace, there are no "certain" job situations. Even being self employed has uncertainty.  Big companies fall. Small companies get bought. Be happy you have a job today...and never quit looking for the next one. I've owned my own company and worked for a company with 70,000 employees. Enjoyed them all but they are still just jobs.

And even if it was the perfect job. Screw em! Their loss and stupidity for not hiring you.

Just my $0.02. Keep your head high.

Hey everyone.

Just a quick update and asking for thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever. I brought my wife to the ER on Friday. They admitted her to the hospital and ran tests. The cancer has taken over, despite being on chemo. they are stopping treatment and sending her to hospice. we don't know if she has 2 days or 2 months, but its not long. the doctor said she might make it 2 months but that was being very generous. my gut says 1-2 weeks. she told me on Thursday that she thought she was dying. She never complains and said her fatigue is a 10 and pain is a 7 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being worst). they are hoping I can take her home 1 more time but no guarantees. she wants to die in a hospice or hospital - not at home.

yesterday (when we found out) i had  meltdown, but regained composure pretty quickly. now i'm numb. i stayed with friends near the hospital last night. my kids are with other friends. i haven't told them yet. we are waiting to talk to a social worker and our pastor today for advice (just me or both of us, neutral location, etc.).

lots of hard days ahead. the support that i receive through bt has been phenomenal. thank you!