Talented, but sensitive, niece

I encountered much the same in high school due to academic sucesses. I'm not sure there is anything that will make it easier for her. The bottom line is that people envy sucess and find it easier to punish those who do better than they "should" than perform at a higher level themselves.

Really the only thing to do is to write off the the freshman girls and find other friends. Why not become friends with the older girls who play varsity (although that may be difficult in and of itself)?

14 is a tough age--particularly for girls. Teen girls can be quite cruel.

One thing your niece must do, though, is keep achieving. She can't let others drag her down to their level. The mental fortitude your niece will develop by continuing to play well will serve he well throughout her life.

Bill

P.S. Volleyball is a good way to pay for college. My wife got a "full ride" volleyball scholarship.

GEez freshman year is tough for everyone esp in a new school. Success is the best revenge tho and when she get s full ride for volleyball it will be sweet I would say remind her that the coaches are the ones who moved her up.....she didn't do it do the girls shouldn't hold it against her (although they probab;y will) they are jealous...its tough to be good. Is it possible to play on both teams. Another possibility is look into club teams which will pull her out of the HS mix. See if there are some JO (junior olympic) programs. Maybe start a new activity to make some friends outside volleyball?

oh, my, goodness.
you could not PAY me to go back to that age.
Oh, it was so filled with angst and uncertainty....sigh.

But I was in a similar situation (and for those of you who know me and are laughing hysterically, just shut the hell up!!! I was a "gifted" athlete!!!) .

Anyhow, your support and encouragement mean a lot to her, I"m sure.

That age is such a time of conformity in so many ways. THose that stand out are targeted. Tell her to stay strong and hold on to the feeling she gets when she plays well. This too shall pass. And I agree, maybe working to find friends outside of her age range b/c it's obvious that she's more mature than those other 14 year olds...

Thanks for all the replies. I think I will encourage her to make friends on the Varsity team. Because the girls are older, she may feel hesitant, but she is a mature, focused young lady and I don't think would have any problem hanging with girls a few years older. I think she probably just needs some positive reinforcement. It's tough too because the home situation is so different as well; she's got a new step sister and brother and I suspect her mom is busy adjusting to the marriage. The move/marriage came up rather suddenly, too so it's been a lot for everyone to absorb.

- Heidi

My family moved 1,000 miles when I was in 8th grade to a very clique-y small town where everyone was related to everyone. To top it off, I had a strong Texas accent. Boys liked me (but were scared to talk to me) and the girls snubbed me because the boys liked me. It was a lonely time, but in looking back it was a huge turning point for me---I genuinely blossomed during that year. I realized that if I didn't reach out and talk to other people first, then they weren't going to talk to me. Two years later, this shy outcast was class president!

While that was a very difficult year in my life, it helped to make me who I am today. I have always had a soft spot for the "new kid" and go out of my way to speak to strangers or people who appear shy.

But I am seeing this from hind sight. It was not so great during the first 6-9 months after the move.

Do you mind if I get "religious" on you for a moment? This past Easter, I got to thinking about "Easter Saturday"----we all know about the horror of Good Friday and the Joy of Easter Sunday. However, did you ever stop to wonder what the disciples were thinking about on that Saturday? They had invested everything in their lives to following one man and then he was murdered on the cross and the same people wanted to kill them. Think about how terrified and despondent they must have been on that Saturday. But then there was Sunday----

Your neice is having an "Easter Saturday"---she has experienced the hardship of the new family and the move. But it's hard to see what "Sunday" will be like. But if she maintains a positive attitude and tries to ignore the catty girls---then Sunday is coming!

just be there to support her...

my daughter is going through the same thing NOW.... she has always been a gifted soccer player (playing up 2 years on average)... she is also very shy...well we moved her from her comfort zone in wyoming to belgium... she has now moved from ALL of her friends... she is the oldest girl in her school (k-5) with only 36 kids... she plays BOYS soccer on a team full of kids who don't speak english... and she is so much more mature than the kids that are american, so she really doesn't have nayone to play with... all i can do is give her the love and support she needs... when she is feeling down, i try to perk her up... when she is feeling anxious, i try to give her the confidence... it's hard with me working so many hours but i think we have grown closer because fo the situation... on the bright side, she has made a couple of friends on the team but the language barrier is there... so i am taking a dutch class to learn the language so i can teach her...

When I was in high school (and very much unpopular), my Dad told me that, on the whole, there is an inverse relationship between social sucess in high school and success in life.

Through my own causal empiricism, I have found this to largely be true.

Bill

It's interesting that you say that. A couple of weeks ago, while traveling, I looked up an old classmate from high school that I had not seen in over 20 years. I asked him why he never came to any of our reunions. He bluntly said that it's because he's fat and he never made anything of his life. He was "the" jock in high school who threw away a baseball scholarship from partying too much (thought the rules didn't apply to him, I guess). On the other hand, there was a guy who looked like the "Are You a Nerd" poster boy in high school, who showed up at our reunion as a tall muscular hunk and now works as an engineer for NASA. Wow....

The only bad thing is that knowing that doesn't make it any easier when you're experiencing it in high school......

No, it doesn't make it any easier. I didn't really believe it at the time any way. It's only looking back that I see how true it is.

I really don't think there's anything any one can say to make high school any easier. A kid who survives high school should be just fine in the long run and a better, stronger person for it.

Bill

An idea for what you can do for here (might be impractical, though I'll give another option if the distance means you won't see her soon):

Take her to a women's college volleyball game. Point out that all these players undoubtably worked hard, but probably had excellent ability when they were freshmen, and had to deal with similar situations. Knowing you aren't alone can mean a lot. Show her that success is it's own reward. Without mentioning it, she'll probably realize the short-term problems of the other girls, and rise above it. And having new role models can't hurt. It would also show your interest in her interests.

That's just an off-the-top-of-the-head thought. Maybe more practical with a video, maybe of the national championships if they have something like that available. Just a thought!

Thanks for all the replies and thoughts. The video is a great idea - I'll see if I can find something there. I won't be seeing her until around Thanksgiving and our schedule is already pretty packed for that visit. She now lives in a college town, so there is definitely the opportunity for her to see college games. So I might mention that idea to my in laws who live nearby.

I sent her an email message last night that included a funny photo and just made an off-hand comment that while high school could sometimes be difficult, I was confident that she would do *great* whatever challenges came her way. That way it kind of opens up the opportunity to discuss the situation if she wants - or not if she'd just prefer to work it through on her own.

And yes, 14 is tough. I also would not want to go back to those days!

- Heidi