Working on marriage - together or apart (Page 2)

Thanks for all the feedback. I am in counseling and will continue to go on my own. Perhaps he will come at some point, too.

Last night, he could tell something was bothering me, and he very defensively says, "So, what is it?" It led to a yelling match and him going upstairs to read. It made me so mad and sad that I am having to beg someone to listen to me -- and all I want is for him to show me love! And his argument is that he does love me and obviously he is doing it wrong and can't ever make me happy.

As I said, we've had this same round-and-around before, he apologizes and says he'll work on things, it feels better for awhile, but then we somehow find ourselves in this same spot a few times a year. Last night, after he cooled off, he came downstairs to apologize. But the difference this time was that he came downstairs holding "The Five Languages of Love", saying he'd read the introduction and he was already starting to understand things differently, and did I want to read it with him?

I'm cautiously optimistic. Been here before, yes, but not with the willingness to do something so concrete about it. I'm still a little raw, but I feel hopeful today.

Thanks again.

That right there is a good sign.  

It's also online, at least some version of it: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

This thread may not have come at a better time for me.  After 12 years of marriage, I was hit Sunday (after a race that she didnt come to nor offer to at least bring our kids) with a one way conversation by my wife that said she is done with our marriage. 

Granted we have not had the best time over the past year, but this was dead out of the blue.  I asked about going to counseling and she said it won't help.  I asked twice and still got a no response as she is not happy and hasn't been for the past 3-4 years.  We had to head out to a family party that afternoon so I left to get the card and then came home to my wife telling me that she will go to couples counseling becuase she owes that to me.  No clue what to say to that one, so I stated that she didn't owe me anything, but did to our 2 kids. 

For those of you that did go to couples counseling did both of you want to go or just one?  Was it beneficial if just one wants to go? 

OK, I'm just feeling generally freaked out by all the people married so long starting to have problems, especially the guy hearing it from his wife of 12 years "out of the blue". My husband and I will be married 13 years in December, I always describe our marriage as having an ebb and flow, but we've never had any deal-breaker episodes.

Just scary stuff...

Dude, if she offered that you've got to go with her.  See someone else (a counselor) separately.  Totally go... if she's willing to put it in for the kids it might work.  I'm certainly no expert, but divorce is the HARDEST thing you will ever go through.

Don't freak out too much.  If there's good communication then you're halfway there.  In retrospect there were so many obvious things broken that people see afterwards.  Only speaking for myself, I was ignoring some ridiculously obvious problems.  If you don't have that, you're probably OK.

Strive to be "family".  That's the best advice I can give after 20 years. 

We argue, we disagree, but at the end of the day, we're family.  She's my wife and I'm her husband....or vice versa, whatever.  At some point we stopped looking at "our relationship" and realized that it will be what it is, up and down, back and forth.  

In the end, we are the sum of us, and our children. There is nothing else, and we don't lose sight of the whole vs. the parts.  

It's not easy, but it's not hard either.... you both have to learn to let go of your ego for the greater good.

We got there and the rest has been insignificant in our relationship.....NOTHING is a deal breaker, we are family.

Good luck.  If you can get there.....all the crap ends.

This is great. Thank you.