Where are my Friday funnies?

... laughing .... too .... hard .....

OK. You can thank Liz Phair for this:

An old bull and a young bull are standing on hill, looking down on a pasture full of cows. The young bull says to the old bull "Hey, I got a great idea. Let's run down that hill and f&%k one of those cows."

The old bull sort of smirks and says, "Yeah, that's a good idea. But I've got a better idea."

To which the young bull says "Oh yeah? Well what's your f*&kin' great idea?"

So the old bull says "Let's walk down that hill and f*&k all of those cows."

DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

PROBLEM #1

Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste.

CAUSE

Mouth not opening while drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face

 REMEDY

Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

PROBLEM #2

Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Beer unusually pale and clear.

CAUSE

Glass is empty.

REMEDY

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

PROBLEM #3

Feet cold and wet.

 CAUSE

Glass being held at wrong angle.

REMEDY

Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing upwards.

 PROBLEM #4

Feet warm and wet.

 CAUSE

Loss of self control.

 REMEDY

Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain bitterly to the owner and demand a pint in compensation.

 PROBLEM #5

Bar Blurred.

 CAUSE

You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.

 REMEDY

See remedy number 2.

PROBLEM #6

Bar swaying.

 CAUSE

Air turbulence unusually high - probably due to darts match in progress.

 REMEDY

Insert broom handle down back of jacket

 PROBLEM #7

Bar moving.

 CAUSE

You are being carried out.

REMEDY

Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

PROBLEM #8

You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and it has a light fixture in it.

 CAUSE

You have fallen over backwards.

 REMEDY

If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar rail.

PROBLEM #9

Everthing has gone dim and you have a mouthful of cigarette butts and broken teeth.

CAUSE

You have fallen over forwards.

 REMEDY

See remedy number 6.

 PROBLEM #10

You feel sharp pains in your rear.

 CAUSE

You are standing too close to the pool table.

 REMEDY

Ask to have the pool table moved.

PROBLEM #11

Everything is going dark.

 CAUSE

The bar is closing.

 REMEDY

(a) Panic.
(b) Go find another bar.
(c) Rush off to the nearest liquor store.

PROBLEM #12

You wake up and find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

 CAUSE

You've spent the night in the gutter.

REMEDY

Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself and sleep in.