FRIDAY FUNNIES

Medical Examinations Stories

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later,I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.  "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman entered. She had purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sported a variety of tattoos, and was wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Here's an oldie but goodie:

An old bum is feeling really bad and decides that he might as well go see a doctor.  The doctor examines him and tells him that he is indeed in bad shape.  But before he can give him any kind of diagnosis he must perform tests.  He fills in a sheet of paper, hands it to the old bum and instructs him to see the nurse at the counter.  

At the counter, the nurse reads the note and looks at the bum.  She says: "The doctor wants to do a full work-up on you so we'll need a urine sample, a feces sample and semen sample.  You'll need to go home, pee in this ...

"No need for that." interjected the old gent, whereupon he took off his pants, whipped off his underwear, threw them on the counter and said: "here you go!"

OMG. I held it in for awhile, but the last two just made me bust up laughing in the middle of my silent-as-the-grave office. LMAO!!!