MONDAY FUNNIES

I thought this was funny:

Dick Cheyney shot a guy in the face.

I just got emailed this one, it's not bad:

 Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

Yeah...like I'm the only one who laughed at when they heard that.

Lighten up a little... 

North vs. South

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the Rust Belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a tow chain will be along 'fore long. Don't try to hep them, just stay outta  their way. This is what they live for

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store -- do NOT buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. (don’t screw this up)

Get used to hearing, "Ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save ALL bacon grease -- you will be instructed later on how to use it.      

Don't worry about not understanding what folks are saying -- they can't understand you, either

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol," as in truck or boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin'!" is a viable defense here.  

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this!” git out the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.  

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not -- just go – it’s a social event

Don't be surprised that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen -- their mammas taught 'em.  

In the South, we found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.  

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we'll accept them as Southerners -- after all, just because the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits, would you?

As someone who's wife is a former collegiate gold-medal skeet shooter, this is especially appropriate.

Now I just need to move to the South.

Hey ONEWORD

Is that John Mclaughlin as your avatar?

Love Holdsworth, he is a freak.... Does some amazing stuff...

I love the guirtarist who will just shut themselves up and come up with brilliant crazy stuff only they and a few other people will like.

I think you should have Al Di Meola next week

oneword - 2006-02-13 12:04 PM You forgot that in the South, people name their kids all last names sometimes. My son is all last family names (first, middle, last).

My first son's first, second middle and last are all last names. My second son's first (and last) are last names.