St Pats...Friday Funny

Since Chicago Bar beginning the celebration tomorrow (Yes, I'll be in a bar at 10am tomorrow)

>St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
>population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely sh*tfaced.
>
>Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
>
>
>Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use
>aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because
>by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and
>without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat
>wrapped in a fraternity carpet.
>
>The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following
>supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find
>it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between
>the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably
>end up:
>
>1 quart spring water
>1 bottle aspirin
>5 pairs Depends undergarment
>1 bottle Percocet
>1 gram morphine sulphate
>1 oz. human adrenaline extract
>1 precharged electric defibrillator
>4 Cardiac needles
>1 trauma surgeon
>
>Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
>Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is
>a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a
>large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St.
>Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
>
>Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot
>stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason
>to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state
>when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your
>behalf.
>
>Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
>
>
>Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar
>if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative,
>since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city
>in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The
>Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned
>by Koreans.
>
>Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar
>is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in
>line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend
>the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
>doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
>anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the
>toxic stench of vomit.
>
>We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
>stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as
>you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream
>and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur
>while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey
>and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will
>add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
>
>Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
>
>
>It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
>something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man
>drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."
>
>If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated
>feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options:
>popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give
>you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both
>have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too
>early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language
>on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
>
>By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only
>one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green
>beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food
>coloring.
>
>Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
>
>
>By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and
>bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job
>correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it
>really is.
>
>By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since
>the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some
>conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are:
>Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about
>it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all
>piss-arsed, pig-f*cking b*st*rds who should be lined up and kicked into
>the Liffey.
>
>If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory
>names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You
>should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may
>want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become
>irregular.
>
>The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
>
>
>Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at
>closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of
>.50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by
>now.
>
>
>The only way for a true Irishman to leave at closing time with honor is
>to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who
>you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You
>will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone
>since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel
>anything.
>
>Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen
>minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final
>impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged
>from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with
>you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the
>bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail
>you out.
>
>By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
>would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and
>biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next
>month for our next self-help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up
>Naked In a Dumpster.