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Would it be rude....
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 2013-12-17 4:59 PM |
 Subject: Would it be rude....Here is the situation. We visit with my daughters birth family once a year at Christmas. This includes birth mother, grandmother, sisters and all their boyfriends. The most difficult part of this visit is that everyone smokes. We are planning the visit soon and birth mother asked if we could stay a little longer than we usually do for various reasons. I am on the verge of kindly letting her know that we would stay a lot longer but the smoking gives me a headache. Is that rude? I mean it is her apartment and she can do what she wants and they all smoke so the only people this bothers is us, but it really kinda makes me physically ill. And then we have to ride home for 2.5 hours stinking like smoke.
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| 2013-12-17 5:07 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Extreme Veteran  345   Colorado | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... I don't think that's rude at all. That's self care of you and your family. As long as you state the issue in as non-judgemental way as possible, and perhaps offer another solution, like meeting at a non-smoking restaurant or other alternate location, I say go for it! |
| 2013-12-17 6:22 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Expert 1456 Central New Jersey | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... be honest yet kind - we would love to stay but could we meet somewhere other than your home - it is very welcoming but I find that cigarette smoke can give me a headache...or something along those lines |
| 2013-12-17 7:29 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Elite 4547  | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... I am the last person in the world to stick up for cigarette smokers, so I won't start doing it now...but...for one day out of the year, I'd recommend a few ibuprofen and plenty of hydration. If the smoke's a pain, take the kids to check out the backyard. If I was regularly visiting this home, sure, couldn't hurt to ask...but for one day out of 365, you're a triathlete, you can tolerate this.  Just pretend you're heading home from a 1980's or older bowling alley! The shower upon returning home will feel AMAZING! |
| 2013-12-17 8:55 PM in reply to: ChineseDemocracy |
| Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy I am the last person in the world to stick up for cigarette smokers, so I won't start doing it now...but...for one day out of the year, I'd recommend a few ibuprofen and plenty of hydration. If the smoke's a pain, take the kids to check out the backyard. If I was regularly visiting this home, sure, couldn't hurt to ask...but for one day out of 365, you're a triathlete, you can tolerate this. Just pretend you're heading home from a 1980's or older bowling alley! The shower upon returning home will feel AMAZING! I know it, this is what we have done the last 4 years. It's only half a day, just suck it up. Other years we have been at the parents house so we could go in another room but this year we are in Birth Mom's college apartment. There will be no place to go. It's a childhood memory trigger - Dad is smoking in the car while my sisters and I area all holding our breath in the backseat for as along as we can so we don't breath the dreaded second hand smoke! Maybe they have all quit this year |
| 2013-12-17 9:29 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Expert 1187 Ontario | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy I am the last person in the world to stick up for cigarette smokers, so I won't start doing it now...but...for one day out of the year, I'd recommend a few ibuprofen and plenty of hydration. If the smoke's a pain, take the kids to check out the backyard. If I was regularly visiting this home, sure, couldn't hurt to ask...but for one day out of 365, you're a triathlete, you can tolerate this. Just pretend you're heading home from a 1980's or older bowling alley! The shower upon returning home will feel AMAZING! I know it, this is what we have done the last 4 years. It's only half a day, just suck it up. Other years we have been at the parents house so we could go in another room but this year we are in Birth Mom's college apartment. There will be no place to go. It's a childhood memory trigger - Dad is smoking in the car while my sisters and I area all holding our breath in the backseat for as along as we can so we don't breath the dreaded second hand smoke! Maybe they have all quit this year Are you saying to avoid being 'rude' you bring your kids into an apartment where people are smoking? I would tell the mom that your concern is for the kids and you would appreciate if for that 'one day out of 365' they would go outside to smoke while the kids are there. If not then suggest meeting at a restaurant or somewhere else that is non-smoking. |
| 2013-12-17 9:51 PM in reply to: 0 |
Pro 15655 | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... I don't think your idea is rude at all.....and if you frame it right, it just comes off as a compromise. Somethng like, "we'd really enjoy staying longer but I've got to tell you, it's hard for us since we don't smoke. Would it be possible for you guys to smoke outside while we are there? I know it's a pain, but being around the smoke gives us a headache and makes it hard to enjoy ourselves since we're not used to it. It's always good to spend the time with you, and this would give us a chance to stay longer". And......I'd have the conversation over the phone, not by text or e-mail. Just be honest. If that doesn't work I'd go with, "hell no, you smoking bastards!!!" Edited by Left Brain 2013-12-17 9:53 PM |
| 2013-12-17 10:16 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
| 286 , | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Maybe suggest meeting somewhere...neutral? Not a restaurant per se, but somewhere where you can all visit, and she/whoever wishes to smoke, would have to go outside...Just a thought. I too get pretty sick when smelling smoke, and like you, it triggers bad memories. My dad passed away when I was a kid from lung cancer, due to his chronic smoking habit...so, it is just a difficult time for me, when I'm around smokers. If there's no way to change the meeting place, then....yeah...just 'suck it up,' is probably your only bet. I have a few friends who are smokers, and when they visit, they smoke outside...and when I visit them, same thing. They are respectful of the fact that not everyone wants to smell that junk! Whatever you decide, good luck. Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy I am the last person in the world to stick up for cigarette smokers, so I won't start doing it now...but...for one day out of the year, I'd recommend a few ibuprofen and plenty of hydration. If the smoke's a pain, take the kids to check out the backyard. If I was regularly visiting this home, sure, couldn't hurt to ask...but for one day out of 365, you're a triathlete, you can tolerate this. Just pretend you're heading home from a 1980's or older bowling alley! The shower upon returning home will feel AMAZING! I know it, this is what we have done the last 4 years. It's only half a day, just suck it up. Other years we have been at the parents house so we could go in another room but this year we are in Birth Mom's college apartment. There will be no place to go. It's a childhood memory trigger - Dad is smoking in the car while my sisters and I area all holding our breath in the backseat for as along as we can so we don't breath the dreaded second hand smoke! Maybe they have all quit this year |
| 2013-12-18 6:56 AM in reply to: SGirl |
| Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Changing the meeting place is something my husband and I have always considered suggesting. I'm not going into a long explanation but there is just a lot to consider with finances, travel, # of people etc. |
| 2013-12-18 7:41 AM in reply to: trigal38 |
Champion 7558 Albuquerque, New Mexico | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... It isn't rude to be gently honest that the smoke affects you during and after your visit. Be honest that you would stay longer and then be open to solutions that might allow that to happen. If the weather is good, walk to the park for a couple of hours. Maybe they will go outside to smoke or not smoke at all while you visit. There are physical symptoms from the smoke compounded by the long drive afterward. It isn't fun to ride home with nausea and a headache. There are emotional symptoms as well, including the "stink" and the memories fo riding with your dad as he smoked. (My dad smoked, chain smoking while driving, and I remember sitting in the back seat with my window cracked and my face pressed against the cold glass.) You can hope for compromise with the physical symptoms, but they will be unlikely to resolve the emotional symptoms you experience. And even if they don't smoke while you are there, you'll still pick up the residual "stink" from their apartment and gifts. Rhetorically, can you live with that for a day? |
| 2013-12-18 9:06 AM in reply to: trigal38 |
| 286 , | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Yes, probably not an easy thing to 're' arrange. It does suck to have to weather a headache but...maybe it won't be so bad this time? Let's think positive. lol Changing the meeting place is something my husband and I have always considered suggesting. I'm not going into a long explanation but there is just a lot to consider with finances, travel, # of people etc. Good luck to you with this trip. |
| 2013-12-18 11:38 AM in reply to: trigal38 |
Champion 10471 Dallas, TX | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Here is the situation. We visit with my daughters birth family once a year at Christmas. This includes birth mother, grandmother, sisters and all their boyfriends. The most difficult part of this visit is that everyone smokes. We are planning the visit soon and birth mother asked if we could stay a little longer than we usually do for various reasons. I am on the verge of kindly letting her know that we would stay a lot longer but the smoking gives me a headache. Is that rude? I mean it is her apartment and she can do what she wants and they all smoke so the only people this bothers is us, but it really kinda makes me physically ill. And then we have to ride home for 2.5 hours stinking like smoke. I don't think it is rude. That many people smoking in an apartment must be unbearable. My Mom smokes and I refuse to go see or stay with her (she's 8 hours away), because I can't handle her smoking like chimney in the house (she smokes constantly- one after another). If I go see her I get a hotel (which I really can't afford so I never go see her), or we meet where it is a non-smoking environment (at my sister's house in Maryland). My Mom knows my sister (and her 2 kids and husband) and I can't handle the smoke, and she chooses to smoke over having us visit. That's what is important to her. If she wants to see us then, she can make the trip to Maryland. That's her choice. I'm pretty blunt and to the point. If I can't handle an apartment full of smokers, I would flat out tell them, "I can't take it, we need to meet somewhere that is non-smoking". Sure it is one day, but that one day in a house full of smokers... PUKE. The smell alone would do me in... and inhaling it?! NO THANKS. And you have kids to think about! They shouldn't be around it. Yuck.
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| 2013-12-18 12:38 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Champion 10550 Austin, Texas | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Here is the situation. We visit with my daughters birth family once a year at Christmas. This includes birth mother, grandmother, sisters and all their boyfriends. The most difficult part of this visit is that everyone smokes. We are planning the visit soon and birth mother asked if we could stay a little longer than we usually do for various reasons. I am on the verge of kindly letting her know that we would stay a lot longer but the smoking gives me a headache. Is that rude? I mean it is her apartment and she can do what she wants and they all smoke so the only people this bothers is us, but it really kinda makes me physically ill. And then we have to ride home for 2.5 hours stinking like smoke. As I'm one that can't stand the smell of smoke (or anything to do with smoking), I would ask them to smoke outside for that one day - especially if they want you to stay longer. While it won't do anything in terms of the smell of smoke already in the house/apartment or the smell of smoke in their clothes - at least they won't be smoking around you or your daughter directly. Good luck! |
| 2013-12-19 3:26 PM in reply to: 0 |
Expert 1215 Austin, TX | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 It's a childhood memory trigger - Dad is smoking in the car while my sisters and I area all holding our breath in the backseat for as along as we can so we don't breath the dreaded second hand smoke! Not to hijack, but that reminds me of the last time my mom and grandmother smoked in the car with me in it. My dad and granddad had already passed away from smoking. I was home in Ohio visiting at Christmas and it was about 5 degrees outside. I was driving. Both mom and grandma lit up so I rolled down my window. It was my mom's car. She told me to roll up my window or walk home which was about 5-8 miles away. I rolled up the window and pulled over to the side of the road. Mom asked me what I was doing. I told her I was walking home. They both extinguished their cigs and I did not walk home. All I can offer is suggesting you let the host know that you would like to extend your visit but unfortunately prolonged exposure to smoking gives you a sore throat. You are not insulting or judging your host, just letting them know it has an affect on you. Personally, being in a space where chain smokers lives destroys me. They may not be smoking, but the smoke lingers. My parents each smoked 2-3 packs a day. After moving out on my own, my body lost any resistance to smoke and I became hyper sensitive to smoke. I get a sore throat for a couple of days after being exposed. Can you extend the visit in a neutral location near where she lives? Edited by Hugh in TX 2013-12-19 3:36 PM |
| 2013-12-19 4:08 PM in reply to: Hugh in TX |
Extreme Veteran 3177 | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Me being me, I would not hesitate to tell them, politely, that we cannot meet in such an atmosphere and I do not want to expose my child to it (I know with the adoption piece it is a little more tricky to say that probably, and may not PC). I would suggest alternate locations - maybe a local church or rec center, maybe the apartment complex she lives in has a rec center that they can use that is non-smoking. that way it is not the extra cost of going to a resteraunt but can still provide a smoke free environment. If they said no I would be hesitant to go there at all. If they do not care enough about the kid to make that adjustment for one day - do they really want to see them? (I tend to be blunt about things like this which sometimes gets me in trouble but always lets people know where I stand) as an aside - my mom quite smoking when I was in elementary school but we still had to visit relatives who smoked for holidays, birthdays, etc. by the time I was in Middle school I absolutely hated it. I distinctly remember spending an entire thanksgiving outside on my Uncles front porch (they all smoked inside or out on the back porch) by myself reading a book. At least my mom was nice enough to bring me some dinner and later some pie. |
| 2013-12-19 4:41 PM in reply to: bel83 |
| Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... An update, I invited Birth Mother and whoever wants to come along to join us at a local Children's Science Center for a few hours and she said yes. Yeah! I'm excited as this will make it easy to extend the visit longer, take the pressure off of us trying to entertain one another, and put us in a non smoking environment for a while. Fingers crossed this works out for everyone. I appreciate knowing other people have those same smoking memories!
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| 2013-12-19 5:17 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Pro 15655 | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 An update, I invited Birth Mother and whoever wants to come along to join us at a local Children's Science Center for a few hours and she said yes. Yeah! I'm excited as this will make it easy to extend the visit longer, take the pressure off of us trying to entertain one another, and put us in a non smoking environment for a while. Fingers crossed this works out for everyone. I appreciate knowing other people have those same smoking memories!
I hope it works out for you!! |
| 2013-12-19 5:28 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
| 286 , | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Oh, that's awesome news! It's going to be a great day. Good luck with it! An update, I invited Birth Mother and whoever wants to come along to join us at a local Children's Science Center for a few hours and she said yes. Yeah! I'm excited as this will make it easy to extend the visit longer, take the pressure off of us trying to entertain one another, and put us in a non smoking environment for a while. Fingers crossed this works out for everyone. I appreciate knowing other people have those same smoking memories!
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| 2013-12-20 4:31 AM in reply to: #4914774 |
Master 2380 Beijing | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Be thankful you only have to deal with it one day a year! http://m.stv.tv/news/north/257583-pollution-in-smoking-households-e... |
| 2013-12-20 6:19 AM in reply to: moondawg14 |
| Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by moondawg14 Be thankful you only have to deal with it one day a year! http://m.stv.tv/news/north/257583-pollution-in-smoking-households-e... I should post this on FB before we leave for the visit My mother was right to make my Dad smoke outside all those years while we were growing up. You know, I think I will post it for her! |
| 2013-12-20 8:42 AM in reply to: trigal38 |
Pro 15655 | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 Originally posted by moondawg14 Be thankful you only have to deal with it one day a year! http://m.stv.tv/news/north/257583-pollution-in-smoking-households-e... I should post this on FB before we leave for the visit My mother was right to make my Dad smoke outside all those years while we were growing up. You know, I think I will post it for her! If it were me I'd wait until after the visit.....she's already willing to make other arrangements to accomodate your wishes.....no point rubbing it in right before the visit. |
| 2013-12-21 7:40 AM in reply to: Left Brain |
Pro 5755 | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... If you all showed up wearing gas masks and protective clothing, that would be rude, as would decorating the house with red and yellow biohazard tape. |
| 2013-12-21 10:04 PM in reply to: trigal38 |
Elite 4547 | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 An update, I invited Birth Mother and whoever wants to come along to join us at a local Children's Science Center for a few hours and she said yes. Yeah! I'm excited as this will make it easy to extend the visit longer, take the pressure off of us trying to entertain one another, and put us in a non smoking environment for a while. Fingers crossed this works out for everyone. I appreciate knowing other people have those same smoking memories!
May I say that was an awesome idea. Congrats and enjoy! |
| 2013-12-23 8:51 AM in reply to: trigal38 |
Champion 10471 Dallas, TX | Subject: RE: Would it be rude.... Originally posted by trigal38 An update, I invited Birth Mother and whoever wants to come along to join us at a local Children's Science Center for a few hours and she said yes. Yeah! I'm excited as this will make it easy to extend the visit longer, take the pressure off of us trying to entertain one another, and put us in a non smoking environment for a while. Fingers crossed this works out for everyone. I appreciate knowing other people have those same smoking memories!
Sounds like a great compromise!
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