Monday Funnies

Three Women Golfers

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up
and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why
aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy
yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends
over to set her ball on the tee ?Her skirt also blows up to
show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed ?Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers", says her husband. ?Why
not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you
give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set
her ball on the tee. The wind also takes her skirt over her
head to reveal that she, too, is naked underneath. "Sweet
mudder of Jesus, Angie! Where the frig are yer drawers?",
asks her husband.
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able
ta affarrd any" The Scotsman's reaches into his pocket and
says, ?"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency,
here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.

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Swearing at work Memo

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective
manner.


FOR EXAMPLE:

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.

Thank You, Human Resources