Fri. Funny

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

  A West Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when  suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards  him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray  Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the  cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your  herd,will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,  connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on  the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system  to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another  NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and  exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.  Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a  MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with  email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the  cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says  the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals  and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of  his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can  tell you  exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,  why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess  that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here  even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer  I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know  anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."