Dads and Daughters...Help!

Girls are fundamentally insecure about their looks, even gorgeous girls describe themselves as ugly.   Commenting on looks just brings it out.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't say, "You look great."  when she does.  It just means that you can pretty much expect that she won't agree.

Girls want mainly and continuously approval from their fathers.  It's got to be honest and sincere.  They are born with BS detectors.  But, keep telling her what you see in her.  The payoff is not short-term.  You'll have to wait a few years to see it.

I have three daughters: 26, 23, and 21.

TW 

Keep telling her she's beautiful until she believes it. Be the most positive and influential person in her life so when she grows up she picks the best guy possible (I know you don't want to think about this)

I have thanked my parents for being positive and ACTIVE role models in my life. I have more confidence because of it and wouldn't be living this lifestyle if it wasn't for them. I know I can do anything I want and thats the way she should feel.

You seem to be doing a great job!

Just keep telling her that she's beautiful and you love her. If she wants to open up, she will. Just keep telling her.

I told my (then) 4 year old niece that I loved her and she replied with "You only love me because I'm cute. My teeth will grow in crooked then you won't love me." That shocked me. I told her that I would love her even if she were cross-eyed, her hair fell out and she was buck-teethed. Then I gave her a big hug.

Keep telling her that she's beautiful. If her dad believes it, someday she will believe it.

Wow! There is one common answer here. I'm shocked.

Again, Bill, keep doing what you're doing.

This is a hard topic. You've gotten some great advice here. I grew up with two older brothers who consistently told me I was ugly and fat (until their friends started asking me out when I was in high school, but that's a very different father dilemma ) and it was easy to believe them. Just keep telling her, keep loving her, and she'll grow into herself and start believing it.

For what it's worth, it would have been really cool to have my dad tell me that I was smart I don't know being smart is emphasized as heavily as being good looking for girls.

And, having said all that, I'm happy to report that the dick things my brother's said when I was younger haven't really had much of an impact in my life ... you grow up, you get to know yourself, and everyone else's opinions kind of take a backseat. She'll get through it, I promise.

Also, incidentally, not because you asked but because I'm getting all nostalgic for my dad, one of the coolest "Dad lines" I ever got from my father was when he told me "Don't ever go to Paris without checking with me first. I want to be the one to take you there, cause you should see Paris with a man who will love you forever." Yeah, it's cheesy, but it still got an "Awwwww" from me.

Awwwww!!!!!

Wow, great advice.

RGRBILL, you have pretty much described everyday with me and my daughter. I drive her to school everyday and pick her up about half of the time. She also goes to a small private school and she is constantly telling me how she wants to be different. She wants to be blonde or have straight hair. Her teeth have fallen out and now aren't growing in straight enough or fast enough. Because she is bi-racial, she knows she is not white, but the black kids say she isn't black either. I think I will have to try out some of this advice

Thanks BT

My 7 year old daughter once said, after I told her how smart she was, said that she's just glad she's pretty. huh? I asked her what she meant and she said it's better to be pretty than smart. I started telling her how wrong she was, but it was clear she wasn't getting it. A day later we had a conversation about value - about what she appreciates about her friends and family and teachers, etc...  (only about people she knows, no celebs). Then we made a list of these attributes: funny, crazy (me), good dancer, can sing, plays guitar, sweet, nice, gives her cute notes at school, gives her big hugs (me), etc...

At the end I told her how lucky she was that she knew so many interesting and valuable people, but that she didn't say she liked anyone because they were pretty. Why not? I didn't pursue it much longer than that, but she got it.

In my opinion, as a father of a 7 year old girl who means the world to me, is these issues are sometimes best tackled from the side - maybe start having some conversations with her about beauty (why is a sunset beautiful, why is a horse pretty, what about flowers makes them appealing) then build on that. Tell her some of the things YOU think are beautiful and why - in other words, change her paradigm without telling her her current view is wrong. 

Wow, he's GOOD! I do say a lot about her school work, and I go over the top when she exhibits responsibility (feeding her dog, puting her shoes away, brushing her teeth without being told 3 times.....).  When I say she's smart, she smiles and loves it. She's totally comfortable with that. I guess that's why her reaction today was even more puzzling. Not only had she never done that before, it was out of sync with how she responds to everything else. Thanks guys.

You really have a good handle on this. Wow. Thanks Welshy. I can totally see her repsonding to that. That's awesome.

This is Dadyoureembarrasingmecow, right? She said that the other day too. First time. I thought about you when she said it...

I've got two girls, 9 and 5, and I deal with the same things all the time, Bill.  The 5-year-old is currently in the "nobody likes me and I'm ugly" stage, and it is a tough thing to see, because she gets so upset.  

I just keep reassuring her, praising her accomplishments, etc.  She is clearly going through a stage where there is a lack of self-confidence, but as a daddy, I've got to do everything I can to help her through it with positive, positive, positive feedback!

I've seen you interact with Hannah, and trust me, you are doing a great job.  And since I don't have the bias that you probably think you have as her daddy, I'll just let you know that she is very smart, and beautiful! She's a great kid with a great dad...hang in there buddy.

*EDIT* - I'm also the hairdresser for my kiddo in the mornings because it takes some of the pressure off of her mommy....and I can sympathize with you on the hair thing.  My daughter is a good sport about it, but there have been plenty of times when she looks at the crooked ponytail in horror. And when I tried braids...he he he was that a mess!

I can't remember one instance when my dad told me I was pretty. Nor do I ever remember him saying he loves me, ever. Sounds bad, but I think he's the best dad on the planet. He is all action, no talk, so I never doubted it. He always made doing more important than being or saying. So being pretty was so not a factor in his world. It was all about if you went for hikes and river trips and played ball and since my sister and I were both smart kids, whether or not you were acing everything in school. It was great because I didn't care if I was pretty because I knew I was cool, smart and could survive a night in the desert alone at age 10.

I think Welshy's on the right track. Being pretty's fine and well (and it's a definite plus if you have a good self-image), but I just don't think it should be considered to be of eminent importance.

Tom, I know it's hard for you to hear your daughter say that but it's not just about the biracial thing. All kids want to look like their parents. When my nephew, CallMeMax (which isn't his name), was 5 he wanted to color his blonde hair to dark brown because his mom has dark brown hair and his brother has dark brown hair. Another nephew (different sis) also was a blondie and his siblings had dark hair, as did his parents. He wanted to color his hair, too.

I know it's more difficult for your daughter because she's biracial and has some identity confusion (?). Tell her the simple truth about who she is - she's your beloved daughter and the most precious thing in the world. That should be the core of her identity (until she gets older and becomes a Woman but you don't want to think about that future anxiety).

I have 4 daughters and am soon making sure we have no more wee ones.  I cant stand the "arent you going to try for a boy", like I should be empty cuz I cant play ball in the yard with junior or something.  My wife is strong and we hope to raise strong girls/women.  There are tons of challenges, a huge one being body image and the perception of beauty that is crammed down everyones throat due to marketing, television, etc, etc.  You best combat focusing in on that by building the self esteem to where it doesnt matter what some other kid says.  Yeah, I know I have a long road to go with my oldest only 4, but I try and lay the groundwork every day by letting them know how I feel about them and how special they are.  I am sure we all do that but just keep reminding yourself that each day/interaction is precious.

I think it's simple.

I have a 5, almost 6yo daughter who is getting so she doesn't like us to tell her how beautiful she is. IMO, I think that from babies the time they are babies they are told how beautiful or handsome they are, non-stop, and by everyone from relatives to complete strangers. I think she's just getting tired of hearing it, plain and simple.

She does like to be called smart, though. 

Kids are smarter than I used to think before I had kids, but I seems sometimes they dont know what is important.  An image conscious child gets confusing messages from film and tv that is reinforced by magazines and comments fawning over the latest pop or movie star, etc, etc.  When you are 'just' a kid, it makes you seem less than you are.  I think the key to countering that is making your kids know how special they are to you and others around them.  Maybe in the case of this thread it helps to look at how relevant 'others' opinions (whoever they may be) are relative to the opinions of those that matter.

My Dad was in a house of 2 girls. We were the only house on the block with a basketball goal. He loved that. I asked him one time if he was bummed he never had a boy and he told me he could do anything with me or my sis that he could with a son. I love my Dad.

 I wish I could tell you what my parents did to help me be comfortable in my skin, but they did something awesome. In Junior High school, I remember my basketball coach telling to "stirve to be like Rebecca (the starter who I subbed for)." My response: "I am not Rebecca, I am my own person and I do not want to be like Rebecca." I was very proud of myself for that, and my coach "rewarded" me by putting me on B team the rest of the season. Bastard. My parents did put me in some selfesteem building/say no to drugs seminars in late elementry and middle school. I hated going but looking back I think they saved my butt from going down a bad road. Also, I knew my parents were proud of me, would have my back when I needed it and were my parents first, friend second. The structure they provided really helped me be the strong person I identify myself to be.

BT dads, you sound like you are on the right track. Keep it up.