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2005-08-26 12:01 PM

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Elite
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San Diego
Subject: Friday Funnies

I can't take credit for this joke. It is Happycow's but I thought it was too funny not to post.

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her
delicate fingers.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room."

2005-08-26 12:57 PM
in reply to: #234691

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Master
1210
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Saskatchewan
Subject: RE: Friday Funnies
2005-08-26 2:13 PM
in reply to: #234739

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Veteran
275
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Colorado
Subject: RE: Friday Funnies

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St.Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said! the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer"?!

2005-08-26 2:18 PM
in reply to: #234812

Sydney Australia
Subject:
2005-08-26 2:26 PM
in reply to: #234691

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Queen BTich
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,
Subject: RE: Friday Funnies

Y'all cant see my avatar, so this is what it is:





(tell me.jpg)



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tell me.jpg (17KB - 11 downloads)
2005-08-26 4:13 PM
in reply to: #234691

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Expert
936
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Westchester County NY
Subject: RE: Friday Funnies

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for
the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for
the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to
report to St Peter."


Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The
line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you
to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your  family.
Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him!  Tell them my son, how                                         did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

2005-08-26 5:10 PM
in reply to: #234691

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Expert
941
50010010010010025
WA
Subject: RE: Friday Funnies
A man had a horrific day at work one day, and though he normally arrived home every day at 6pm for dinner, decided to screw it and go out for a drink, despite what his wife might say.  So he goes to a bar and proceeds to get rip roaring drunk.

He wakes up the next morning not really remembering anything that happened the night before.  He sees that the normally slightly messy bedroom he shares with his wife is spic and span.  He has nicely ironed clothes laid out for him.  There is a glass of water and 2 aspirin waiting for him on his bedside table.  He is very confused, because he's pretty sure he should be in big trouble.  He gets up and puts on his clothes, takes the aspirin, and goes into the kitchen, only to find a note saying, "Hi Honey!  I've kept breakfast warm on the stove."  He is now thoroughly confused and sits down to his favorite breakfast of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. 

His son walks in and he just has to ask him, what is going on?  The son says, "oh, you came home really late last night, totally trashed.  You smashed a few glasses and ran into her favorite flower vase and just generally created havoc."  So the man says, "then why the heck is your mother being so nice to me??"  The son replies, "oh yeah, so you were so far gone you couldn't control yourself at all, so mom had to undress you and get you into bed.  but when she tried to take off your pants, you pushed her away and said, "lady please, i'm married!""
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