friday funnies

A couple of rednecks are out in the Tennessee woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing....his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

"First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence.......and then a shot is heard.

Billy Bob's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

very funny...thanks for the giggles!!

I heard somewhere that the joke about the guys hunting was determined to be the funniest joke in the world by a convention of psychiatrists. I forget all the details but somehow it is suppose to be officially the funniest thing out there. 

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men let out wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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When will Women be equal to men?

When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

"Just hold me"..........CLASSIC!!!!!!!  I copied and sent to everyone I know!  Thanks!!

1.NAMES




If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.


6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love ca ts, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change ! and she does.


10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night


12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORK PLACE PRAYER

Edited by tupuppy 2005-02-04 12:08 PM






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