Posted before but funny:Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As myfriend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-workcocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst ofendless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering aboutyour intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interestsat heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwiseconsequences:1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance ornecessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call thoseex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want tohear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest thatI eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball andsome stale chips
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Katafter a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries
)? I'm an eclectic eater,but I think you went too far this time.3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to domore yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue homeby causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyondme. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get thefront door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is gettingridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening'sdebauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility iscompletely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if theproper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin
)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor witha bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interferewith my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would liketo ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of greatstories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companionwhen I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. Inorder to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review mygrievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answerno later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour
) on your possible solutions &hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you,Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. British Constitution3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more beer for me.3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.