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Tues funnies - duh!
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 2006-03-07 8:24 AM |
 Crystal Lake, IL |  Subject: Tues funnies - duh!For you Wal Mart haters out there: -----One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." Edited by hangloose 2006-03-07 8:28 AM |
| 2006-03-07 8:33 AM in reply to: #362951 |
Queen BTich  12411   , | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! |
| 2006-03-07 12:06 PM in reply to: #362951 |
COURT JESTER 12230 ROCKFORD, IL | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! How do you know if you need to pray at work? When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "Good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the sh!t out of her"... You need to pray at work. When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "What the f!!k do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work. When your email service and internet access mysteriously crash and you want to say, "Which one of you sons of b!tches screwed up the system?"..... You need to pray at work. When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "Well at my last office...", and you want to throw a stapler at him......You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker (who is nice to your face) talks trash about you behind your back, and you think, "If that two-faced, gossiping b!tch can't say it to my face, I'll do a little trash talking of my own about her --- but mine will be the truth!"...... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "What the hell does this b!tch want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk....... You need to pray at work. When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work in order to meet a deadline and the first thing that pops in your head is, "Y'all can kiss my @ss!!".... You need to pray at work. When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go down only one floor, and you say, "That lazy b!tch"...... You need to pray at work. When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "Sorry *** MotherF%&#s"....... You need to pray at work. When you avoid saying more than hello to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ........You need to pray at work. If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with......You need to pray at work. LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS.
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| 2006-03-07 12:37 PM in reply to: #362951 |
Master 2033 | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! Krisy (MsPiggy) posted this in the Harry Potter thread but I thought it was to funny not to find its way into the Tuesday funnies... Fan or not you will love this! |
| 2006-03-07 1:55 PM in reply to: #362951 |
Queen BTich 12411 , | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an electric eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your Biggest Fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. |
| 2006-03-07 1:59 PM in reply to: #362951 |
Queen BTich 12411 , | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship. 1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused - I will use little words. 7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway. |
| 2006-03-07 2:02 PM in reply to: #362951 |
| Pro 4040 | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! "I'm an electric eater, but I think you went too far this time." What's that? Somebody who plugs themselves in and starts chewing while making the sound of a coffee grinder? |
| 2006-03-07 4:12 PM in reply to: #362951 |
Master 2288 Katy, TX (West of Houston) | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it... you're going to $hit when you hear the price." Edited by Freeswimmingfish 2006-03-07 4:13 PM |
| 2006-03-07 6:16 PM in reply to: #362951 |
Veteran 265 Westminster, Colorado | Subject: RE: Tues funnies - duh! 1st woman : I Froze to Death. > >2nd woman : How Horrible! > >1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from >the cold, I began to get warm &sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. >What about you? > >2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my >husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the >act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. > >1st woman: So, what happened? > >2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere >that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up >into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went >through >every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had >looked everywhere, and f inally I became so exhausted that I just >keeled over with a heart attack and died. > >1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd >both still be alive ! > |
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