Depression and Moods- Check in! (Page 22)

Atlantia - 2010-03-18 5:21 PM  I don't want to leave my current job. I'm good at it, and everybody knows me, and all the clients like me, and I like dogs. The money's okay, and my boss is okay, and I feel important there.

hvcycle - 2010-03-17 10:53 PM Hello Everybody...
It is wonderful to log in and see different names and subjects in our world here..   It would be really nice if a pharmacist would decide to pop in but I know that they are not allowed to give advice..  I am seeing another doctor soon so will see what they recommend for my severe depression with ADD.  I have posted that I like the Adderol because it is pure pep..  The generic name is amphetamine..  and yep o that is what it does.  I zip through the day.. I have never had energy like that.  But I have to take ambien to sleep...  I also take celexa at the highest dose allowed 40mg.  and that doesn feel like it is doing that much.  still depressed and sad.. still crying a lot.  and even with all the energy,,  I just zip around from thing to thing, not finishing anything and getting distracted by everything.. 

I dont think the medications are working.. 

but, I am losing weight!!!

ride_like_u_stole_it - 2010-03-18 6:04 PM

Don't confuse excited with scared. It sounds to me like you're actually on an up-swing. The opportunity to re-invent yourself doesn't come along very often. Grab a-holt of it and don't look back. Forward motion is a really a big boost.

And good luck with part 2.

Atlantia - 2010-03-18 3:21 PM Okay, so I think I'm all caught up with everybody for now. I made it past the first stage of my interview process. It was a difficult test, in that it wasn't what I was expecting. They tested our multitasking ability right from the start, plus a sort of pop-psychology section that was easy enough. I go back Monday the 22nd for the computer based test. Wish me luck! I am having some conflicting thoughts. I can't tell if I'm just nervous, or if this is me trying to keep myself from being successful. I don't want to leave my current job. I'm good at it, and everybody knows me, and all the clients like me, and I like dogs. The money's okay, and my boss is okay, and I feel important there. But I'm not challenged, and the boss is hoping to leave within five years (she wants me to buy it) and we've had massive loss of revenue due to the recession. I can't make enough to save for a new car, or a house, or really for triathlon. If I left for a new job I'd be nobody. I'd be new. Maybe I'd be bad at this job. But I'd have a bit more money, lots of room to grow, health and dental, retirement, and a real true career for the first time in my life. I'm so scared.

MuscleMomma - 2010-03-22 5:17 PM

Hey all!
I have caught up on the posts since my last check-in about 3 months ago.
Am doing pretty well now that I'm back on a med - the generic that the insurance company pushed just did not work!
Doc. found a new form to get me the name brand.

Seems lots of the things that throw us have the commonality of also throwing us off our routines.

My life is good, but being mostly a stay-at-home mom makes it hard to stay in a routine and easy to fall into being a lump.

Haven't lsot weight this winter, but there is still time to start training now and maybe do well by the end of the summer.

Went to a Tri expo for inspiration. Kinda worked. Ran into ontherun and marmmadad at a BT table. This is the best support site.

hugs to all,
MM

Atlantia - 2010-03-23 9:19 PM I had my computer testing yesterday, and it went well. I had high enough scores to schedule the next phase: polygraph and background check. I'm a bit worried about the polygraph, because I'm a fairly high strung person and run a bit anxious. I have 250 questions that I have to answer on a form and then in two weeks I go in and they confirm all the answers. They make a huge deal out of it, so of course I'm a bit anxious.

That and now really worried because it is time to tell my boss that I'm looking at this job. She's not a very stable person, so that's a concern. I'm worried she'll force me to pick my last day before I find out whether or not I have this 911 job. Its what she did last year when the assistant manager was thinking of leaving. The boss claimed she needed at least two months to train a replacement, so forced the asst manager in July to pick her last day, which was in September. Am I crazy, or is that a little bit wrong, especially when we're talking about a company with 8 people who all get paid barely enough to live on!?

Atlantia - 2010-03-23 7:19 AM I had my computer testing yesterday, and it went well. I had high enough scores to schedule the next phase: polygraph and background check. I'm a bit worried about the polygraph, because I'm a fairly high strung person and run a bit anxious. I have 250 questions that I have to answer on a form and then in two weeks I go in and they confirm all the answers. They make a huge deal out of it, so of course I'm a bit anxious. That and now really worried because it is time to tell my boss that I'm looking at this job. She's not a very stable person, so that's a concern. I'm worried she'll force me to pick my last day before I find out whether or not I have this 911 job. Its what she did last year when the assistant manager was thinking of leaving. The boss claimed she needed at least two months to train a replacement, so forced the asst manager in July to pick her last day, which was in September. Am I crazy, or is that a little bit wrong, especially when we're talking about a company with 8 people who all get paid barely enough to live on!?

Atlantia - 2010-03-23 4:41 PM Thanks everybody! I think the reason I felt obliged to tell my employer is because they're going to be doing a background check and calling current and previous employers. I figured better I tell her I'm looking than she find out because she's been contacted. Also, I have to be late coming in one day because of the polygraph. I don't know what else to say except the truth, so I guess its time to tell her. Sigh. I am worried about the poly. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I know its just one big scare tactic, but I guess its working a little bit. Its not like I have some past history of violence or I used to sell drugs or something. But I've done a couple things I'm not proud of, things they may not look kindly on, and I'm worried it'll mean I don't get the job. I don't intend to lie or cover anything up, I'm just worried that the truth will not be my friend. Yes, during a particularly dark period I tried some stuff that wasn't legal. Have I done it since? No. Will I do it again? No. I'm just worried. And the poly isn't for another two weeks, so I have a lot of time to stew on this. I'm awfully good at working myself up over nothing.

SammyKarch - 2010-03-26 7:13 AM Hi everybody,

new to this thread but have been reading through it. Great advice all the way through and some really uplifting stories. I just have a few questions for others, maybe you've experienced them as well and can chime in.

Diagnosed with bipolar II last summer and was put on lamotrigine. Seemed to do the trick, stabilized my moods, I'm no longer so swingy that I am fine one moment and spend the next day punching stuff (broke my hand twice) and screaming at people. I would be furious and unable to calm down far after whatever set me off had happened. Anyways, that was taken care of but for the last few months I've just been bumming out and the last few weeks have been bad. This week in particular... I skipped a swim workout yesterday because I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't overly tired or just lazy, I just couldn't do it. Today's been similar; I woke up at 5, swam, and have been in bed since, reading through this thread.

I am generally unhappy with the three of the four main things I have right now: grad school (I've stopped doing work, can't pay attention, pretty sure I've missed some major assignments), work (recent college grad and the best I can find is part-time work at J. Crew where I make no money and fold clothes for hours a day), and my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years and I (whom I live with) broke up last month and she's in the process of moving out. I'm not horribly upset about the breakup but the habitual part of this post-relationship life is stressing me out. The only thing that is really helping is swimming, biking and running. I'm told bipolar people (even when hypomanic and not manic) find something to curb the stress, oftentimes drugs, sex, alcohol, and I'm glad that exercise has been mine. 

With all this said, I have had cycles that are relatively normal for BPII, as the depression hits for a while and then hypomania for a shorter while but recently I've been in a bit of a rapid-cycle: OK one minute and then depressed for a few hours and so on. When I'm not depressed I feel like I'm completely faking this, that I have no problem at all and that it's emberassing how I'm such a drama queen, as I 'always have been.' And then I'll think about how I'll get so upset that I'll want to cry and am feeling furiously helpless without cause. 

I just moved from KY to ME a few months back and have an appointment with a new psychiatrist but it's a few weeks away, as I need a consult from one particular guy before the doc will see me (hospital rules) in order to be 'rediagnosed.'

So not many questions I guess and sorry for the novel but this seems like a very helpful and supportive place and yea.

Thanks for reading,
Sammy 

TriAya - 2010-03-30 1:38 AM Welcome, Sammy!

This is indeed a wonderful thread and great group. I agree that you have SO MUCH going on and you are really doing well with it. Keep checking in. We need you and you need us!

As for me, on the whole, again looking in chunks of time rather than day by day, I continue to do so much better. I've made good headway on cleaning up my business mess from when I got depressed and couldn't deal and forgot and mixed up appointments even more than I usually do. I am struggling with taking on new clients. There's no lack of them, but I feel like a poser and loser, and am afraid of screwing up again. The truth is that I was dealing with so much, and then took on way too much (even had I not gotten ill), and it was a human experiment. Not a giant screw-up that stamps me as a permanent loser. I learned a lot and I want to be gentle with myself as I work through this fear. Money is a problem, but I just have to keep on doing my best and trusting.

I've been able to take up training regularly, and I now have TWO new lab puppies instead of just one. (And yes I will post a pic). I've been able to serve the clients I currently have. I've paid my bills. Lots of good stuff.

I'm down on myself today because with the lack of specific appointments (just drop-ins and errands) I just could not get out of the house. It's 4:35 pm now and I've been in all day, doing nothing.

But I don't want to think that way--it's so defeating. I choose to look at what I HAVE done today, and that success and responsibility gives me hope that I can move forward. I love the saying "You can start your day over anytime you want."

I got out of bed (I remember when that was Herculean). I MADE MY BED (just plain weird). I read my meditation books and prayed and meditated and wrote. I stacked them all up neatly again after. I made coffee, and fed the dogs--conscientiously, with training, not just throwing food at them. I then fed myself something that had some decent protein, and drank the coffee with milk.

I sent an important message and took an important phone call.

I am now posting here about my success.

I feel much better and more hopeful now.

Here are the baby girls, all tuckered out in the backseat after a day of playing and swimming at the beach.