Are men natural pursuers? (Page 4)

I pursued my wife. She caught me. And this thread is reminding me exactly why I will do whatever it takes to keep our relationship alive and well so as to avoid being single and ever having to worry about this sort of discussion ever again.

Huh. I'm sorry I missed this thread, as I have some thoughts.

1. Women who refuse to pursue or initiate are scared of the rejection that men deal with, and are expected to deal with, all the time and have an overly high oppinion of their self worth. The man is just as valueable, so why should He have to pursue you?.

2. I don't mind pursueing or initiating contact, it's my personality and the way I'm wired, but others arent. Still, if I don't quickly get positive feedback, I bail. Too many other women out there who are quicker on their feet, know what they want, and are interested - and show it... If I have to convince a woman to date me, she's out, no questions asked and usually no second chances (she is obviously insane ). And I don't simply see or meet a woman and ask her out. Ever. I have, but not anymore. It's like eating chocolate with mystery contents inside. I don't want to be surprised by something nasty. I would rather know there is something worth my time in her. Gone are the days where I am willing to spend $100 and more importantly, 3 hours, just to find out she's a vaccuous twit with a pretty face. There has to be a reason why I want to go out with her.

3. I only enjoy the pursuit if there is a tacit understanding that I am being successful, a flirt coming back to me or even a plain "I like you," something....

4. I am interested in women that I do not directly approach. I spent 20 minutes at the gym talking to a couple women I like and find attractive after kickboxing tonight, without out a smidgen of flirty charm from me. I have a date Sat and Maddie next weekend. The timing just isn't there.

A. If I appraoched every woman I was interested in, I would be broke.

B. At this stage in my life, I really do like to know a woman a little before I go on a date with her.

C. Some women I am interested in don't show interest in me (why any do is a mystery to me)I wont waste energy on her or try to get over her walls if thats the case.

D. You can't over fish your pond or it will dry up. I have women I have had my eye on for quite some time, but never approachd. If the timing is right, I will. If not, I don't.

5. I date a bit, probably 3-5 times a month. Some are just pleasant days or evenings, others are more involved. In probably 60% of the cases, the woman has expressed interest first or approached me. I have never been dissapointed that I didn't get to chase them or felt like I wasn't a man because a woman said "wanna go out sometime?" Placing that type of gender rule or boundry does nothing but limit your own opportunities. If you like a guy, talk to him, it's that simple (now if I could just figure out a way to stay interested long term, I'd be doing wonderfully)

6. I do not like to talk on the phone. First call, or after 30 years (my mother will attest), there is just something missing for me on the phone. I hate it. I do it, and as long as there is momentum, a definitive conversation piece, I am fine, but I don't do rambling 30min conversations. In person, there is not a woman on the planet I'm afraid to approach or talk to, but on the phone I am just out of my element and tend to be on task. I know other men feel this way too. So if he doesn't call or is short on the phone, it does not mean he is not interested. It might, but not necessarily. I seriously can't stand to be on the phone for more than 5 minutes.

7. I have friends who don't want to "bug" women, men who refuse to hit on or chase women. They are not the most successful daters around, cuz it's a numbers game, but they're no less men. It's a matter of comfort, not manhood. I will say that society is doing its best to take the "man" out of men and it can sometimes get confusing for us. Ultimately, if you are not letting a man know you are interested in him, you better, becasue if he is worth much at all, another woman certainly won't be afraid to let him know.

Sorry, can't sleep.

(Done in my best Beavis voice) Uhhh, he just said vaccuous twit.

Very nicely done, tmwelshy.  You summed up alot of what I would suggest most men think.  I wish I could find a chick who digs Star Wars, Debate Parties, won't laugh at me when I say I'd like to take dancing lessons, and tri-training.  Good thread.  Dating sucks.

Maybe I ought to add that to my Match.com profile...

I realize you posted this to the board in general, but would like to offer my 2 cents to this question. Men don't have to pursue. I am of the belief that men will pursue if they are interested because it is their biological imperative to do so. What's the antonym for emasculate? I believe that appreciation for biological imperatives can serve to un-emasculate our confused men who fret over whether opening a door for a woman will impress her or send her into a silent internal rage. In other words, encouraging men to trust their biological imperative is a healthy, positive thing. I admire the male beast (not using that in an derogatory manner) and I think we should encourage the maleness of man.

To no one in particular, please don't confuse "Men are natural pursuers" with "Men should do all the work in a relationship."  When I speak of pursuit, I refer to pre-relationship pursuit. Once you're in a relationship, it is understood that both parties want to be in the relationship and pursuit is unnecessary. It then just becomes a matter of learning more about your partner and learning to live with your differences.

Emotional honesty and being willing to 'put yourself out there' takes courage. I admire anyone who takes chances in the dating world (even if I decline to give out my number, I do appreciate the nerve it takes to ask).  I'll probably get excoriated for this, but I'll share an example of being turned-off by someone who can't just lay it out there. Met and danced with the Best Man at my friend's wedding. Post-wedding, my friend tells me he wants my number and can she give it to him. I say YES, I'd like to meet him again. He calls and leaves this message "I heard you wanted to get together, John (the groom) said I should call you, so give me a call if you'd like to go out." The guy couldn't even say "I'd like to see you." If that's the best he can muster (and everyone starts off with their best effort) and he doesn't have courage to say "I'd like to see you", I'm not interested. If he's that scared of me or the idea of putting himself out there, we aren't going to be compatible.

This thread has been fun; lots of good stuff.

I always pursue.  Fortunately for me, I tend to be faster than most women.

(This thread needed some levity)

"I realize you posted this to the board in general, but would like to offer my 2 cents to this question. Men don't have to pursue. I am of the belief that men will pursue if they are interested because it is their biological imperative to do so. What's the antonym for emasculate? I believe that appreciation for biological imperatives can serve to un-emasculate our confused men who fret over whether opening a door for a woman will impress her or send her into a silent internal rage. In other words, encouraging men to trust their biological imperative is a healthy, positive thing. I admire the male beast (not using that in an derogatory manner) and I think we should encourage the maleness of man."

Men are the goal scorers, women are goal keepers. It's our job to get the ball in the goal, your job to block the ball and keep us out, letting in only the good ones. Every once in a while, we score.

With the advent of sexual harrasment and our workplaces telling us we aren't even allowed to flirt  -that lirting is sexual harrasment when the woman is NOT interested. If she is, no problem. A big generalization, I know, but an unfair aspect of a man trying to figure out how to be a man.

Poor us.... 

I was actually thinking about this during my run yesterday. I see a man opening a door for a woman as a subtle deferment to the weaker sex. I'm 5'2" and I have no doubts that I am physically weaker so for you women who want to insist that you are not physically weaker, knock yourself out but I know my limitations. It's a nonverbal way of saying "Though I stand taller and stronger than you, I honor your femininity and softness." Is that such a bad thing?

These social customs (like door opening) which signal a man's agreement that it is their duty to treat the fairer sex with gentleness and respect should not die a confused death. I think these customs are a good thing and it can engender a healthy respect for our gender differences. Letting a man open the door and simply saying "thank you" engenders a friendly, healthy respect for their maleness.

Also, I don't want a man to try to figure out how to be like what he thinks a woman wants him to be like. I want him to figure out for himself who he is and what it means for him to be a Man. If indulging his inner-boy means he wants to ride his mtn bike through the swamps and come out covered in mud, more power to him.

I've been meaning to tell you for some time that your kid's pic is just cute as can be. So happy!

I understand the fear of rejection but when I've agreed to let him have my number, it's a safe assumption to make that I would also agree to see him. There really wasn't much risk involved there. Ah well, I just assume he wasn't ready to risk whatever he feels he's risking.