Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

Elite

4235

Spring, TX

Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

DerekL - 2010-10-06 6:55 AM

Comet - 2010-10-06 6:40 AM

AndrewMT - 2010-10-05 10:54 PM
And yes, I was (am) in the no kids camp, but it looks like she's had a big change of heart over the past couple months on that topic!

I know you've thought about this and I hope you've brought it up to her, but if she isn't trying to change her working life, how is she going to manage kids? Daycare for 16 hours a day? She's tired and exhausted and resents triathlon taking your time, how will she handle an infant? Or more than one toddler? Or if she stays home to raise them, it still doesn't fix the problem of you working all day and then not having enough quality time together.

This X a million. Triathlon was hard enough for us with a super busy schedule before kids. It's nonexistent after kids. I haven't really trained all that much (and I sure haven't raced) since our kids were born.

Andrew, I don't know your personal situation, so just take this as a general comment. Kids don't fix anything. If there's a problem in the relationship, it's likely going to get WORSE with the stress of children. I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but they become your world. Just gotta make sure they fit in with your priorities.

We've had several friends who've tried this approach to fixing a rocky marriage and it invariably seems to turn to disaster.

I have a lot of respect for folks who manage to have careers, marriages, hobbies AND kids! I don't know how they do it.

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Champion

18680

Lost in the Luminiferous Aether

Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

AndrewMT - 2010-10-06 8:40 AM

DerekL - 2010-10-06 6:55 AM

Comet - 2010-10-06 6:40 AM

AndrewMT - 2010-10-05 10:54 PM
And yes, I was (am) in the no kids camp, but it looks like she's had a big change of heart over the past couple months on that topic!

I know you've thought about this and I hope you've brought it up to her, but if she isn't trying to change her working life, how is she going to manage kids? Daycare for 16 hours a day? She's tired and exhausted and resents triathlon taking your time, how will she handle an infant? Or more than one toddler? Or if she stays home to raise them, it still doesn't fix the problem of you working all day and then not having enough quality time together.

This X a million. Triathlon was hard enough for us with a super busy schedule before kids. It's nonexistent after kids. I haven't really trained all that much (and I sure haven't raced) since our kids were born.

Andrew, I don't know your personal situation, so just take this as a general comment. Kids don't fix anything. If there's a problem in the relationship, it's likely going to get WORSE with the stress of children. I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but they become your world. Just gotta make sure they fit in with your priorities.

We've had several friends who've tried this approach to fixing a rocky marriage and it invariably seems to turn to disaster.

I have a lot of respect for folks who manage to have careers, marriages, hobbies AND kids! I don't know how they do it.

You just don't sit down. If you sit down you might not get back up again.

New Haven, CT

Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

DerekL - 2010-10-06 7:55 AM

Comet - 2010-10-06 6:40 AM

AndrewMT - 2010-10-05 10:54 PM
And yes, I was (am) in the no kids camp, but it looks like she's had a big change of heart over the past couple months on that topic!

I know you've thought about this and I hope you've brought it up to her, but if she isn't trying to change her working life, how is she going to manage kids? Daycare for 16 hours a day? She's tired and exhausted and resents triathlon taking your time, how will she handle an infant? Or more than one toddler? Or if she stays home to raise them, it still doesn't fix the problem of you working all day and then not having enough quality time together.

This X a million. Triathlon was hard enough for us with a super busy schedule before kids. It's nonexistent after kids. I haven't really trained all that much (and I sure haven't raced) since our kids were born.

Andrew, I don't know your personal situation, so just take this as a general comment. Kids don't fix anything. If there's a problem in the relationship, it's likely going to get WORSE with the stress of children. I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but they become your world. Just gotta make sure they fit in with your priorities.

Ain't that the truth: last night my 6 year old refused to go to bed and the 2 year old was screaming like a banshee... My wife looked at me and said: "just remember, it not their fault they're here." Kids are great but man are they a lot of work.

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New Haven, CT

Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

AndrewMT - 2010-10-06 8:40 AM

DerekL - 2010-10-06 6:55 AM

Comet - 2010-10-06 6:40 AM

AndrewMT - 2010-10-05 10:54 PM
And yes, I was (am) in the no kids camp, but it looks like she's had a big change of heart over the past couple months on that topic!

I know you've thought about this and I hope you've brought it up to her, but if she isn't trying to change her working life, how is she going to manage kids? Daycare for 16 hours a day? She's tired and exhausted and resents triathlon taking your time, how will she handle an infant? Or more than one toddler? Or if she stays home to raise them, it still doesn't fix the problem of you working all day and then not having enough quality time together.

This X a million. Triathlon was hard enough for us with a super busy schedule before kids. It's nonexistent after kids. I haven't really trained all that much (and I sure haven't raced) since our kids were born.

Andrew, I don't know your personal situation, so just take this as a general comment. Kids don't fix anything. If there's a problem in the relationship, it's likely going to get WORSE with the stress of children. I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but they become your world. Just gotta make sure they fit in with your priorities.

We've had several friends who've tried this approach to fixing a rocky marriage and it invariably seems to turn to disaster.

I have a lot of respect for folks who manage to have careers, marriages, hobbies AND kids! I don't know how they do it.

Kids should never be used to fix anything. Having kids are more rewarding but more work than you can possibly imagine. In terms of "time". You strip out everything and I mean EVERYTHING, that is not essential and you make compromises. Basically I do is work, train, eat, family stuff, sleep and repeat. You can do it, even with a busy job, but you have to make very difficult choices.

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Expert

721

Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

I think having kids is a horrible way to try to fix a relationship. That said, could part of this conflict be because she is struggling with whether she wants children, and whether she wants to give up a high-powered career and stay home with kids, or work a part time job? Whether she can have both? This is not a cut and dried decision for many women (and men), and if she's not prone to self-examination she may not even realize where the conflict is.

X20 on the counseling, and not getting relationship advice on an internet site (especially one for a sport), but if you can spend some time just sitting and talking about life, goals, and desires (with genuine openness to her feelings and dreams- as she should give to yours), you (and she) may be able to understand all of this better.

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Expert

1310

Alabama

Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...

trinnas - 2010-10-06 7:56 AM

AndrewMT - 2010-10-06 8:40 AM

DerekL - 2010-10-06 6:55 AM

Comet - 2010-10-06 6:40 AM

AndrewMT - 2010-10-05 10:54 PM
And yes, I was (am) in the no kids camp, but it looks like she's had a big change of heart over the past couple months on that topic!

I know you've thought about this and I hope you've brought it up to her, but if she isn't trying to change her working life, how is she going to manage kids? Daycare for 16 hours a day? She's tired and exhausted and resents triathlon taking your time, how will she handle an infant? Or more than one toddler? Or if she stays home to raise them, it still doesn't fix the problem of you working all day and then not having enough quality time together.

This X a million. Triathlon was hard enough for us with a super busy schedule before kids. It's nonexistent after kids. I haven't really trained all that much (and I sure haven't raced) since our kids were born.

Andrew, I don't know your personal situation, so just take this as a general comment. Kids don't fix anything. If there's a problem in the relationship, it's likely going to get WORSE with the stress of children. I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but they become your world. Just gotta make sure they fit in with your priorities.

We've had several friends who've tried this approach to fixing a rocky marriage and it invariably seems to turn to disaster.

I have a lot of respect for folks who manage to have careers, marriages, hobbies AND kids! I don't know how they do it.

You just don't sit down. If you sit down you might not get back up again.

That's the truth!!!

You need a strong marriage foundation before considering having children. The children are not going to "fix" anything (they depend on you, not the other way around), and they are the one's to be caught in the middle when things go south.

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