TAN #176: SkeleTANs in our closets ... (Page 5)

Depends on the situation. In a dating situation I'm gone but when I was married I was going to try to overcome it to save what we had. Looking back it was just because I was scared of changing the norm but in a marriage with kids I tried to work on it.

I think it goes with TJ's comment about trust.  The cheater chose to cheat, knowingly hurting the other person.  I don't believe it is a mistake.  We're all grown ups and responsible for our actions.  The trust was destroyed, move on, and let everyone seek their own happiness.  I think many people who forgive infidelity are typically insecure and will do anything to stay in the relationship.  Similar to people who tolerate abuse.  (This is a deep topic, and these are my opinions, I don't mean to offend anyone here).

For me if a person isn’t willing to work on the worst case scenario what is the point of getting married just stay dating. When you commit to a marriage it really should be for better or worse and try to make it better. I don't condone cheating and it's not a pass but I'm just saying if you do the vows make them real otherwise why do them?

For the WIN!

To be clear, and I don't care that feel that way.  BUT, any married couple that work to save a marriage after one cheated, the other is weak and insecure?  Period?

What if the person who was cheated on was distant and didn't provide the other with the affection and sex needed?  So they were cheated on, realized that, and forgave because they knew they were part of the reason.  Still weak and insecure?

I almost think it could be considered the opposit.  Own up to the mistakes THEY made, forgive the other person for perhaps driving them to cheat, and try to work it out.

Gotta disagree there.

At the end of the day we're all responsible for our own actions.  If someone was feeling "driven" to such action, they should stand up and COMMUNICATE to solve the problem.  And if that fails, ask for a divorce, not cheat.

I think it goes back to my original question/statement.  I think it's a case by case situation and not an automatic deal breaker.

If my wife told me all the time she is not getting enough effection, and I blow her off each and every time and tell her to take a hike, so she gets tipsy and does it with someone, then comes to me and confesses and is sorry and I realize my neglect drove her there, I could forgive.

If things are good on the homefront and she is refusing ME intamacy, but then runs out and does it just for fun with someone else?  That's much harder to get past.

(two examples in the "grey" area)

I'm only responding with my own feelings on the subject.  I grew up watching both of my parents be unfaithful to each other, several times.  Yes, they forgave each other, yes, they worked on the underlying issue(s), but it continued until they divorces.  And became much happier!  Like I said, my response is based on what I've seen.  What you propose seems idyllic, but unrealistic to me.

Fair enough...  Just end the marriage...

But I also said in my opening question, if it was a ONE time deal.  Obviously, repeat offenders don't get a pass in my book - or if they showed no remorse.

I was just walking and thinking of outlandish situations and what I would do.  (I have an overactive imagination out on the road).  I felt that I loved my wife enough that if I neglected her and she made a mistake and did something, I could/would try to work it out (I think).  I don't think that makes me insecure or weak.

I don't think hardly anything in life is cut and dry, black and white, no questions asked deal breakers.

THANKFULLY, I would bet my life that I won't ever have to deal with this in real life.

If there's a lack of communication and/or respect, and no hope for change, then yeah.

The other thing: when someone cheats, it's not usually with the intent of getting caught.  They do it because they think they can get away with it.  If that's not a violation of trust I don't know what is.

I'm confused.  Cuz I asked that if it happened, and that was communicated and you both had hope for forgiveness and change...  Then stay together or divorce?

Or once the act of cheating has occured, it's beyond repair?  All the problems leading up to it, if there is neglect, or taking advantage, etc.  What if someone "cheated with work, or a hobbie, or booze, or drugs or gambling.  That can all be fixed with communication if both people want it?  But the second SEX is involved, then it's crossing a line that you can't come back from and it's automatic divorce?

Funny, I think I could work through infidelity before, say, I found out she cashed in our savings and spent it on drugs.

Why is sex held so high and mighty? 

I'm just asking.  I don't care either way on the issue.  Different strokes for different folks.

My mom asked me this once.  Would I leave my wife if she got into an accident and couldn't be intimate even though EVERYTHING ELSE is perfect?

People don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.  What if the marriage is perfect except they don't see eye to eye on sex?  Walk away from a otherwise good marraige for something you spend 0.1% of your life doing? sex?

Sex has WAY too much influence sometimes, me thinks.

People leave marraiges because they don't get it, and end marriages because the did it outside of it.  Seems the only way to keep a marriage, is to have good sex in it, no matter what.

HENCE, we should promote premarital sex!  How do you know how it will ride if you don't test drive it!

I think the real issue is that trust has been violated. That can occur in all manner of ways - cashing out savings would seem to me to be a huge violation of trust.  For many once trust is gone it is gone and cannot be regained. That is not true for all but I think that's at the heart of some of what folks are saying here. I think you are right when you say every situation is different - if only for the simple fact that different people will be involved who hold different views on many situations.

And I know am I new to this group so apologize if the input isn't appropriate for whatever reason.

Well, I also thought about that on my walk.

I think if it was a one time, out of site out of mind thing, it may (or may not, can't tell without being in it) easier to get passed than if it was a intamate affair with connections and emotions.

IF it's SEX, I can get over it faster than if it was a relationship.

(I suppose)...

Hell, I might just turn into an axe murderer and flee to mexico...  I don't know.

No ... I mean obviously there are couples out there who have repaired and recovered from that situation.  I know a few.

But I firmly believe that the cheater has to own up to his/her actions.  I don't like this mentality that the other person should take the blame for their cheating.  Someone might be in a bad marriage, might not be getting what they need/want from the S.O.  But that doesn't excuse it.  There are other ways to deal with marital problems.  Cheating is a cop out.

Well, the question is...

Is looking at bewbs and bikinis outside the marriage, cheating?

What is considered cheating as a WHOLE LOT OF GREY, as well.

But as the FNG said...  it's not the specific act, but the violation of trust, whatever it is.

That's why I find it interesting that trust violated in one way, you can work out.  But trust violated with sex can't be, othewise the person is weak and insecure.

So if I took back a drug using wife that blew through the savings, does that make me insecure?