TAN #181: Sneak atTANcking a new one ... (Page 57)

Kido - 2012-09-14 11:23 AM

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out a way to say something without sounding jealous...

I COULD ask if she would be comfortable if a woman coworker was calling me up at 11:30 to chat how she would feel about it, but that's not addressing the issue, it's asking about a hypothetical.  And of course, she would probably come up with reasons why it's not the same.

Engineers don't call up at midnight.  Odd job actors, probably do.

Big Appa - 2012-09-14 11:30 AM

If you are really feeling that I would tell her in a non confronting way that YOU feel a little jealous. You know she won't do anything and you feel silly but you just wanted to tell her. Don't come off as accusing just more of a husband telling his wife how he feels. She can do what she feels is right with the information and you can see how she reacts.

I have married female friends whose husband is kind of jealous in a protective way since I am single. One guy just told his wife in a very open way that he wasn’t upset with her friendship with me since we have known each other since we were kids but he just wanted to let her know he did feel jealous a bit. Since then she only makes plans with me at a time he can go with us and if he turns down the offer it’s on him. My point is that my friend cares about her husband and how he feels and since he didn’t come off ranting but just saying how he feels his wife was understanding about it.

Kido - 2012-09-14 9:38 AM

Confusing.  But it's worth a convo so I don't stew on it.

 

Kido - 2012-09-14 11:40 AM

He is a nice and handsom guy.  We got along great when we all hung out (before I went to bed for work)...  Super friendly...

But my paranoid self asked, if you were going after a guy's wife, would you chum up and be best buds to put him at ease with the time you spend with his her?  Avoid him?  I don't know.

NRG42 - 2012-09-14 9:42 AM

Keep your friends close, ENEMIES even closer

Kido - 2012-09-14 11:42 AM

Maybe I should date him...

Kido - 2012-09-14 9:44 AM

She has had stalkers and guys chase her before.  No big deal.  Maybe because she spends a lot of time toghether and it's in LA (out of site) that adds to it?  You know, feeling good after a breakthrough class, then some drinks to celebrate...

Gah, I'm doing it to myself again.  Stupid imagination.

Kido - 2012-09-14 12:38 PM

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out if it's my own insecurities or maybe just something I want to hang on her because I have not been such a saint back in the day.

I mean, if a girlfriend came to visit and the wife had to go to bed, I could see staying up to catch up... 

Then the phone call last night WAS after the acting class the she had to miss so they were catching up on it.  It's all explainable and understandable...  BUT, I don't like AT ALL that I even had to feel like I needed to eavesdrop to see if anything was being said that crossed a line - and I don't know if she called him to get a debreifing or if he called her.

I don't think she would do anything, BUT, not sure if I trust HIM to not try and push for it and she is just so nice not to draw the line unless it's the last resort.

Confusing.  But it's worth a convo so I don't stew on it.

 

Big Appa - 2012-09-14 12:30 PM

If you are really feeling that I would tell her in a non confronting way that YOU feel a little jealous. You know she won't do anything and you feel silly but you just wanted to tell her. Don't come off as accusing just more of a husband telling his wife how he feels. She can do what she feels is right with the information and you can see how she reacts.

I have married female friends whose husband is kind of jealous in a protective way since I am single. One guy just told his wife in a very open way that he wasn’t upset with her friendship with me since we have known each other since we were kids but he just wanted to let her know he did feel jealous a bit. Since then she only makes plans with me at a time he can go with us and if he turns down the offer it’s on him. My point is that my friend cares about her husband and how he feels and since he didn’t come off ranting but just saying how he feels his wife was understanding about it.

Kido - 2012-09-14 12:40 PM

He is a nice and handsom guy.  We got along great when we all hung out (before I went to bed for work)...  Super friendly...

But my paranoid self asked, if you were going after a guy's wife, would you chum up and be best buds to put him at ease with the time you spend with his her?  Avoid him?  I don't know.

ratherbeswimming - 2012-09-14 9:53 AM

Cord, can you explain this to every single man I've dated?

I've got a few close male friends - every single guy I have dated has claimed to be ok with it - and then, without fail, brings it up during an arugment and throws it in my face - usually with alcohol involved. Fun!

The time and the place to address jealousy or insecurity is when everyone is calm and collected.

tcarlson78 - 2012-09-14 9:57 AM After the two of you talk and work it out.  If you have a chance, to see him again I would let him know that you appreciate the friendship and support he provides to your wife but calling late at night is not acceptable.  (big knife or bat in hand is optional) 

 

lisac957 - 2012-09-14 9:58 AM On the flip side of Elaine's post - sometimes those insecure feelings and mind running wild thoughts - actually come true. And then that sucks really bad

tcarlson78 - 2012-09-14 12:49 PM I like Cord's answer too.  Don't stew on it but ease into the topic when you talk next.  the topic is about trust, love and feelings and as such can cut way to deep quickly.  place the emphasis on your feelings.  ie, _____ I love and trust you but honestly "I" felt a little nervous about a friend of yours calling so late.   

Not to add to the complexity of the issue but could this also be related to the missed time together?  I am not advocating a 2 for 1 conversation at all.  however, that 400 lb elephant needs to be addressed too if it still bothers you.

Big Appa - 2012-09-14 12:58 PM

Yes I can

Sadly the only reason I am now aware of this is because of all the crap I have been through I learned with did all the psychology books and therapy sessions.

Ok so let me ask you this if a guy told you in a nice way that he feels insecure about an issue and it makes him feel jealous would you change something of your behavior to help accommodate his feelings?

Kido - 2012-09-14 1:03 PM

Yeah, I'm over it.  Lots of stress at work compounds it.

Probably just say I wasn't happy about the late calls and it's a bit innapropriate, but otherwise, all it good.  Which really  is the case.

lisac957 - 2012-09-14 11:58 AM On the flip side of Elaine's post - sometimes those insecure feelings and mind running wild thoughts - actually come true. And then that sucks really bad

mehaner - 2012-09-14 1:00 PM

If my husband came to me and said "i trust you BUT" it wouldn't matter what came after the but.  I would feel like he didn't trust me. 

I would start the discussion like, "can we talk about something that is bothering me?  I feel really uncomfortable/jealous/weird about you hanging out with this guy.  I know it's silly and insecure, but I just don't like that he's calling really late at night.  I definitely liked him when I met him, but there are just some things that are upsetting me, and I really don't know why, but they are."

of course, kido knows best what his wife will respond to and what will upset her.  you have to very very carefully plan your words and practice them to make it a calm(ish) discussion.

mehaner - 2012-09-14 10:05 AM

i go to bed really early, so late night calls are inappropriate no matter who they are from unless they are emergencies so i hear ya!  but to her, and him, midnight is not really that late.  it's their drive home from work, no?