friday funnies 22/04/2005

Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:
"That's what I need ... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know.?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see ... 9 1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman aid, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.
I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries.

"And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly.

And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot.

Can you see the balance?"
"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work.

Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth".
"There are beautiful mountains, rain forests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline.
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.

I'm also going to give them super-human, un-defeatable cricket, rugby, tennis and golf players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the whingeing, Sheep-rooting Kiwis I'm putting next to them."

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he
says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.
"What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but
excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

BLONDE JOKES



MOON VS FLORIDA: Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

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SPEEDING TICKET: A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take
away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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RIVER WALK: There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the
river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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KNITTING: A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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BLONDE ON THE SUN: A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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IN A VACUUM: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
off?"
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POWER OUTAGE: Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
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HAIL STORM: A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in
a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next
day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got
down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing
happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you
doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
roll up the windows first."
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HOT & COLD THERMOS: A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and
some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"
The blond replied,,,,,"Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

Looks like you got most of the good engineer jokes - but being and engineer myself, I noticed that you missed one...

Four (4) engineers are going to a multi-discipline engineering conference. They decide to carpool in order to maximize efficiency with regards to gasoline¹ and potty stops². Approximately 4.3 miles (6.9 km) from the conference venue, the car stalls out and the driver coasts to the side of the road.

All four (4) of them get out of the car and begin to diagnose the dead car. The electrical engineer pulls out his pocket multimeter and begins to ring out³ the spark plug wires and verify that their resistance is within specification. He then alerts his cohorts that the reason that the car died is that there is a problem with plug wires 2 and 5 and that the engine is misfiring.

In the meantime, the chemical engineer has syphoned a beaker full of gasoline and after checking the specific gravity and analysing it with his pocket spectrometer, he announced to the group that the formulation of the gasoline is bad and that is the reason why the car died.

While all of this is going on, the mechanical engineer has dropped the oil pans on the motor and the transmission⁴. He takes out a set of calipers and with a solemn voice alerts his co-travelers that both the cam and the pushrods have worn beyond specification and that is the reason why the car won't run.

The software engineer looks at the other three (3) engineers, who are now covered in grease and grime, and offers his suggestion. "Why don't we just get back in the car, get out, get back in again and then see if starts?"

1) Sometimes called Petrol in other parts of the world.
2) "pit stops" or "muchie stops" can also be substituted in place of "potty stops."
3) "check"
4) See figure 4.1a for more detail.

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In case you missed it, the joke is certainly "the joke," but the other part of it is all of the footnotes and the numbers that are written out numerically and gramatically...

-Frank

No problems there frank,

Got that one loud and very clear.

Not all kiwis are sheep-rooters :-) Not this one anyway!!!