Is getting a massage the same as stretching?

I have nothing substantive to add, other than that I really, really want a massage now... and I don't often feel that passionate about stretching.

No.  Massage will not make you more flexible.  It will relieve tightness and can prevent injury and loss of the flexibility that you already have, but it won't increase flexibility.  Stretching after every workout is the smart thing to do to relieve some of the soreness you'd get the next day and to increase flexibility which makes you less prone to injury.

Is having sex the same as shaking hands?  :-)

~Mike