MONDAY FUNNIES

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2006-01-30 7:41 AM

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COURT JESTER
12230
50005000200010010025
ROCKFORD, IL
Subject: MONDAY FUNNIES
Hillbilly Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.  Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that!  Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after !  her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."

2006-01-30 7:41 AM
in reply to: #334577

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COURT JESTER
12230
50005000200010010025
ROCKFORD, IL
Subject: RE: MONDAY FUNNIES




(Fairy Tale.JPG)



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2006-01-30 7:42 AM
in reply to: #334577

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COURT JESTER
12230
50005000200010010025
ROCKFORD, IL
Subject: RE: MONDAY FUNNIES
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 [now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]



Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
[you think?!]


Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning:  Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Did I read that sign right?]

 

2006-01-30 7:46 AM
in reply to: #334577

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Queen BTich
12411
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Subject: RE: MONDAY FUNNIES
The fairy tale: good stuff.
2006-01-30 11:22 AM
in reply to: #334577

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Master
2033
200025
Subject: RE: MONDAY FUNNIES
Those were all awesome!
2006-01-30 1:09 PM
in reply to: #334577

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Expert
950
5001001001001002525
McKinney, TX
Subject: RE: MONDAY FUNNIES

I work in a nursing home, so this one hits home for me!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to  charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel,  and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.  Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the  other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat  wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you  got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable  erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again."

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