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2012-05-31 9:05 PM

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Subject: I need some wisdom...

My father is 62 years old and has been over weight most of his life.  Thankfully he stays pretty active with projects around the house, but I fear the poor eating is going to start to catch up with him internally (arteries, valves, plaque, etc.).  He eats horribly, and my siblings and I have never been able to sway him from that behavior.  To top it off, he has a 6 year old son, my little brother.  If he doesn't change his eating habits, I doubt he'll be around to see him graduate high school.  

 

I've tried talking with him about it but I get no where.  I realize he's a grown man and has the right to make his own decisions, but he's also my dad and I want him around as long as possible.  I've thought about writing him a letter to express how serious I am and how serious the situation is.  Can anyone provide any guidance/wisdom/suggestions on how I can get him to eat healthier?  I'm at a loss.



2012-05-31 9:11 PM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...

As the father of an adult son,
I know it is hard to take advice from someone who's diaper I once changed.

So my 2 cents.

Acknowledge first that he is the father and you are the son.
Tell him about your concern for your brother.
(I also am an older father with young children,
so I'd guess your Dad and I probably share similar anxiety about mortality and fatherhood)

Offer to help him with the changes he needs to make.
Be patient and be willing to follow his timeline for change
as long as it's in the right direction.

Your Dad is lucky to have a caring son like you.

 

2012-05-31 9:14 PM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...

I have the same problem.  My father is 63, morbidly obese, diabetic, and just all around not mobile.  He is an ex marine who used to be in great shape, and just decided that retirement means sitting on your A@@ all day.  

Now, I have had to go back to the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink."  I have learned there is nothing I can do to change his mind, but be a leader by example for him. I will cook them healthy meals that taste great, and it has led to a few changes.  He sees he doesn't have to add excess amounts of salt or sugar to things for them to taste good.  I also find asking him to do things with me and the kids, i.e. the zoo, will get him up and walking and active.  

I am hoping by starting off slowly, he will begin to see the benefits of it, and start to make some progress.  All I can do is hope that by not pushing too hard, and keep trying I might get somewhere with him.  

2012-05-31 9:25 PM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...

If I were you, I'd write that letter.  Be as open as you were in this post, and you might get somewhere with him.  The odds are against him changing, but by writing that letter, you'll know you gave it your all.

Good luck.

2012-06-01 1:37 PM
in reply to: #4238329

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...
ecozenmama - 2012-05-31 10:14 PM

I have the same problem.  My father is 63, morbidly obese, diabetic, and just all around not mobile.  He is an ex marine who used to be in great shape, and just decided that retirement means sitting on your A@@ all day.  

Now, I have had to go back to the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink."  I have learned there is nothing I can do to change his mind, but be a leader by example for him. I will cook them healthy meals that taste great, and it has led to a few changes.  He sees he doesn't have to add excess amounts of salt or sugar to things for them to taste good.  I also find asking him to do things with me and the kids, i.e. the zoo, will get him up and walking and active.  

I am hoping by starting off slowly, he will begin to see the benefits of it, and start to make some progress.  All I can do is hope that by not pushing too hard, and keep trying I might get somewhere with him.  

My father is an ex-marine as well.  I think it's a combination of that and his age that makes him so stubborn and resistant to change.

Thanks for the responses everyone.

2012-06-01 2:07 PM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...
Do you have any fit triathlete friends around his age? When people actually see someone their age who is fit and doesn't look their age, they're more open to change. Has he had a doctor's visit recently? Bad news from the doctor is unfortunately also a good motivator for some people.



2012-06-01 2:15 PM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...

 

I would have to disagree with the letter writing IMO. 

If he already knows everyone disapproves of his eating choices and has made the choice not to change, the only thing a letter is going to do is make you feel better about yourself, you can rest easy knowing you tried.

I have a parent in the same boat only 10 years younger, she knows what to do, but if history is a good predictor nothing will ever change. The only way she will get healthy is if she decides to on her own, outside involvement is not going to change anything.

Also it is possible that a letter or "nagging" might cause a rift on the subject so if he ever does get his own motivation it will be harder for you to be involved at that point.

Just my opinion, but I would leave it alone.

2012-06-01 7:18 PM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...
As someone who was once 75 pounds overweight and who now works on helping people lose weight and keep it off I will tell you that until HE is ready to change it won't happen. It can't hurt to write the letter - unless it hurts the relationship which it might. But if you go from the "I'm concerned for you" approach vs this is what I think you should do it may at least drive the point home
2012-06-05 8:16 AM
in reply to: #4240163

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...
wwlani - 2012-06-01 8:18 PMAs someone who was once 75 pounds overweight and who now works on helping people lose weight and keep it off I will tell you that until HE is ready to change it won't happen. It can't hurt to write the letter - unless it hurts the relationship which it might. But if you go from the "I'm concerned for you" approach vs this is what I think you should do it may at least drive the point home
X2. My parents have not been very healthy for a long time and are now motivated by my wedding this fall to get in shape. It took my mom a little longer to get on board, but now she's really got motivation. The best thing you can do is praise him for each positive decision, not matter how small. Knowing he has your support will help keep him on a positive track.
2012-06-05 10:52 AM
in reply to: #4238319

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Subject: RE: I need some wisdom...
Honestly, he won't make the changes unless HE wants them.  My mom had stage 5 bladder cancer 2 years ago caused by smoking and had her entire bladder removed.  She has to pee through a cath in her abdomen the rest of her life yet she refuses to stop smoking.  I have pleaded, cried, begged, ignored it, etc. and she won't stop.  She will likely not see my kids graduate high school  let alone see them get married or have kids.  It really sucks to see your parents screw with ther health knowing it is going to kill them.
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