I wish you were dead (Page 2)

Agreed. Get to counseling together and separate if possible. At the very least you should go. There are kids involved so this isn't so cut and dry for me. Saying something and doing it are completely different. Not saying you shouldn't be on your guard but try to get help from a professional.

Nope.  As someone who has been in a relationship where those types of things were said, and having other relationships where they were never said, and now a 20 year relationship where it would never even be considered to say......there is no way I wait around to see what happens next, or even try to fix it.  I can say with 100% certainty, if my wife starts acting this way, I'm gone.  She will be the same towards me.  You just don't treat people that way in a relationship that means something to you.  Once you do, the relationship is never the same. I can say with 100% certainty that I'd never get over behavior like that from my wife/partner.

So, IF she said that to you after getting drunk this weekend.  With no questions asked, you draft up the divorce papers?  Not even question where the hell it came from or why it was said or what?  Suggest talking to a professional about it?  I guess if that works for you.

My can't imagine my wife ever saying that to me...  But I never thought she would say "F-you" either, but once when we were REALLY angry, it slipped out.  And she felt terrible about it later.  If she said she wished I was dead, I would be so shocked, I would be more confused than worried.  I would want to have a long conversation to understand and see if we can get help.  Not immedietely picking up the phone to my lawyer.

I think communication is ALWAYS warrented.  If they refuse to talk or brush it off, then action is required.  But I need to understand the situation first.  I guess that's how I'm wired.  Not a shoot now, ask questions later kind of guy.

ETA:  BTW, my ex suffered from depressioin and said/did some pretty awefull things.  But I also know it was the disease, not her.  I tried to work through it, but when she refused to get help, I had to walk.  I'm glad she came around and solved it on her own...  But there could be valid reasons someone might say things.  We don't know the whole story.  So without knowing it, suggesting to just leave is rash to me.

But what do you expect when you ask strangers on the internet I guess.

We don't say "F-you" to each other either....and I would expect that if I ever did, our relationship would be changed forever. In my world, words mean things. Your comments are interesting though......and as you said, to each their own.

I'd be interested hear how women feel if the shoe is on the other foot.......you are in bed, your husband/partner is in the bathroom, drunk as hell, muttering that he wished you were dead. 

Happened once in 10 years and we realized it doesn't help.  But you get passed it.  Like other mistakes.  I'm glad to say that it didn't change my relationship forever.  Or if it did, we realized a mistake and our communication and relationship is even better.  I'm not going to let one phrase ruin an othewise wonderful relationship.

Yes, words mean things.  And can be hurtful and damaging.  But they are just WORDS as well.  I'm not going to let words set the path of my relationships and life.  I would thing the actions behind the words (or lack of actions) would have a greater bearing.  I would end it for not getting an appology, or lack of trying to make it better, or getting help, or talking about it.  Not for the words themselves.

I thought of another example.  What if your 18yr old daughter/son get SOOO mad you didn't let them have the car to go out with her friends and said F-you or I wish you were dead...  Do we talk about it or do we just end it/get rid of them?

Perhaps you should go back and read the OP. Nobody suggested a divorce over a sentence. Niether respects the other. They have tried counciling before. There has been an escalation. They are both fed up with each other. Plenty others have offered other suggestions of help. I think you are getting hung up on one pixel of the picture. The OP has never heard that sentence before, but he knows exactly why it was siad. It isn't mystery. And she is a grown adult with kids, not some immature teenage child of yours.

See...Powerman is better than me at getting my point across.....so let me say again, in light of Powerman's post......

Move on!

WOW... I managed to get a point across with less than a 100 words.... that's never happened before. Just ask my wife.

He's a guy so an easier target to hit. 

Fair enough.  I guess I just interpreted "exit", "it's over", "get out" and "move on" as ending it...  My mistake...

And I KNOW there is more to it than just the one sentence...  I'm not suggesting there is.

At the same time, I will always feel that I would never just say get out and move on WITHOUT talking about it or trying to work on it, if they want a relationship to work.

If they don't want it to work?  Sure get out.  OR, if there is emotional or physical abuse or cheating.  Then those or deal breakers to me - no talk is needed, just get out.

Short of that, I would encourage communication if they want it to work (I figure if the OP wanted to leave, they would just leave.  The fact the question was asked "what do I do" shows there is some interest to keep it).  If there is interest, I would suggest professional help (as I said in my FIRST post), and not just bail.

I guess that's how I interpreted the OP.  We was probably asking more how to work through it because if he wanted to just leave, why ask?  Just leave.

I think the easy thing to do and say is just get out.  Easy for people to do it, and even easier for people to offer it up as a suggestion - they have nothing to lose.  The hard part is working on it IF you want it to last.

I'm not even going to try... I'll just bow to your greatness.

Agreed. If it means anything at all then you work on it, fight for it. The OP is the only one that knows if that has happened. I'm not going to draw imaginary lines in internet sand and say if this ever happened this is what I would do... except cheating. That's not imaginary, we have discussed it. Deals off for both my wife and I in that event.... but ya, not that simple. we don't know if it is that simple for the OP. A question is asked, we answer based on information given. In the big picture, it does not really mean much.

Heh Heh Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. 

Can I share some experience... The wife and I were having some issues. Not the end of the world stuff, and we both have some very good support. We decided to go see a councilor I really liked. She was really good. It got us talking about stuff. We really didn't do the stuff she wanted us to. We managed to get things worked out "on our own" so to speak... but again, we both have some really good support and the issues were not "major".

My advice is the pros are very good at what they do, and they can give you a lot of help... but they are only as good as the effort you guys are willing to put forward. Make the decision, jump in with both feet. Follow direction and work on what they tell you to work on. If I was to ever get a divorce from my wife, I would never be able to sleep at night not knowing I had done the best I possibly could to do my part on making it work.

What ever happens, let's hope this event gets your family moving in the right direction.

I know it's petty, but it's counselor.

A councilor sits on a council - legislator.

Thanks. I knew it didn't look right.

To me - if you have been to two different counselors, and been working on it for 2 years...it MIGHT be time to pull the plug.  Again - TO ME - Good relationships shouldn't take that much work.  Sure there is compromise and relationships take some work - but they should take a ton of work.  

It sucks to end a marriage - especially with kids, but staying together for the kids is not a good idea. The stress of a bad marriage (fighting, bickering, not doing stuff together) is way worse on the kids than a divorce.  

If it doesn't workout, just remember to put the kids first....I recently shared this on my Facebook page - and I love it.  http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151245689398438&set=a.428464543437.216550.135370908437&type=1&theaterfbid=10151245689398438&set=a.428464543437.216550.135370908437&type=1&theater

Keep it in mind if it doesn't work out - and share it with the "ex".  

Whether you try to save it or move on, I wish you luck and hope everything is better in the long run - especially for the kids.  

A number of years ago my wife and I were having some problems. we went through a Program called Retrovaille. It is a peer mentoring group that helps couples improve their communication skills.

It is not for every one and it takes a lot of work, but they do have a very high success ratio.

If you would like more information PM me.