login
Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....?
-
No new posts
 2010-06-21 10:22 AM |
Master  2232    Des Moines, Iowa |  Subject: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....?Ok...obviously can't go into too much detail here. But, do you know someone who was kicked out of the house for using illegal drugs? OR, as a parent, have you put a teenager out of the house for using drugs. Yes, there is a lot more to the story. But I'm interested in the whole, "being kicked out thing." Just to clue you in a little more, here's the statement I'm dealing with, "I don't know anyone who has ever been kicked out of the house for using drugs!" You get the idea. Thanks for any input BT!!!! |
| 2010-06-21 10:25 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Pro 4824 Houston | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? Not a lot of information to go on but I'll give it a shot. Any person over the age of 18 would be kicked out of my home for doing drugs regularly. Now, if it was a one time deal and nothing habitual I probably wouldn't go to that extreme. If we are talking about a person under the age of 18 it would look more like strict grounding and rehab if that was necessary. |
| 2010-06-21 11:10 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Extreme Veteran 877 Pa | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? My sister got kicked out of my father's house around the age of 17. It wasn't ALL drugs but it was drugs, disobedience, general lethargic attitude, etc...She was just going through a tough time. She just went to live with my mother, so I'm not sure if he would have said "get out" unless he knew she had somewhere to go. |
| 2010-06-21 11:13 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Veteran 407 | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? Would have to know the age of the person involved. If under 18 I would have to take responsibility and see to it that the person is seen by a physician and possibly counseling and rehab. If the person is over 18 I would let them know that under no circumstances will drugs be allowed in my house, and yes I would kick them out if they refused to live under my rules. If they have enough money and the ways and means to get their hands on illegal drugs then they certainly can go out and live on their own. In my family I have seen first hand what comes out of being lenient when it comes to drug and alcohol choices and it's not pretty! Now I am not saying it will be easy, it takes a lot of strength to be able to kick out your child but in the big picture you will be doing he/she a world of good. Good Luck! |
| 2010-06-21 11:17 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
| Master 2083 Houston, TX | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? Since there are no ages, it's hard to say, but: Yes I've heard of it happening to a couple of kids when I was in high school. Don't know the exact circumstances surrounding it, but I do know that they lived with some friends of theirs for a period of time. They eventually moved back in. There was some rehab involved also. Also know kids that were forced into rehab. Don't know if you would consider that being kicked out or not. Don't know anyone kicked out for good. I wasn't "kicked out" but both my brother and I were told we had to move out at 18 (graduation) and that we were not welcome to live at home anymore because we were adults and expected to live on our own, make our own decisions and live with the consequences. So at that point we went and smoked, ate pizza and beer for breakfast and partied for days straight with questionable women making a lot of bad decisions. It was called college. None of that's a joke. We seriously were not allowed back home. |
| 2010-06-21 11:18 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Extreme Veteran 590 Sioux Falls, SD | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? I'm involved in a ministry whose primary focus is helping people with addictions of all types. Obviously, chemical addiction is one of the more common issues with which we help people. I can attest to many people who've had to make the difficult decision to not allow a son/daughter to remain at home due to their drug use. Often times it is the child of a parent who themselves are recovering from an addiction. Not only is the parent putting their foot down to the child using, they're also putting their foot down to the child exposing them to the temptations of relapse by having the drugs in their house and/or living the lifestyle of an addict. A close friend of mine who has now been clean for more than twenty years had to tell his son that he was no longer allowed to live at home. The reason being is my friend has numerous felony convictions in his past, and if drugs were found in his house he would probably be locked up for life. At the very least he would have a heck of a court battle to attempt to prove that the drugs weren't his own. My parents had to tell one of their sons that he was no longer allowed to live at home after he returned from treatment and continued to use. He lived in his car for a while but eventually got things straightened out and has been clean for about 10 years. Generally, there are three choices a parent can give their child (and this is a gross simplification that ignores things like the age of the child, amount of use, etc.) These are written with the thoughts that the child is of legal age. For younger teens the options will change slightly. 1. The child can voluntarily choose to no longer use illegal substances. Again, this is gross simplification and putting it into practice is a very difficult decision for the parent. If you are dealing with a situation where a child is using/abusing substances, then I strongly suggest you seek out some counseling at the very least for yourself. There are many resources available to parents who are dealing with this issue. |
| 2010-06-21 11:27 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Master 1795 Boynton Beach, FL | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? These situations can really differ case by case, but in general, I have seen the "tough love" reaction have a much greater success rate than the alternative. Much harder on the parents, but in the end, it has shown better results for those who were able to be there for their kids once THEY were ready for help. That need for help comes much later in life if given a roof over their head, clothes, food, etc and little motivation to change IMHO. Wish you the best of luck and support. |
| 2010-06-21 11:30 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Master 1903 Portland, Oregon | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? shawn barr - 2010-06-21 8:22 AM Ok...obviously can't go into too much detail here. But, do you know someone who was kicked out of the house for using illegal drugs? OR, as a parent, have you put a teenager out of the house for using drugs. Yes, there is a lot more to the story. But I'm interested in the whole, "being kicked out thing." Just to clue you in a little more, here's the statement I'm dealing with, "I don't know anyone who has ever been kicked out of the house for using drugs!" You get the idea. Thanks for any input BT!!!! That person lives a sheltered life. As a kid, had I ever been caught using drugs there would have been H to pay. My folks attitude was "here are the rules that need to be followed if you are to have free room and board here. If you don't like it you can find somewhere else to live." A previous co-worker told her son that if he was going to be a doper it wasn't going to be in her house and he could choose. He chose to live elsewhere. I don't know his exact age at that time, however, at age 24 he was still losing various jobs because of his dope smoking habit while whining and blaming others. I believe he went to go live with his dad. I know another person who also chose to leave the unreasonable demands of his parents' home to live elsewhere. The drugs came afterward for that person though. Everyone knows it's sooooooo unreasonable for a 19 yr old to have a 10:30 weeknight curfew because he showed himself completely unable to come in quietly so that the rest of the family could sleep to be ready for work the next morning. And to have to take out the trash once in a while. Especially when all he was getting out of the deal was free room and board, college tuition and books paid for, a car to drive, insurance paid for and free gas. It was totally unbearable for him. The couple of kids I knew who were "kicked out" for drugs just went to live with the other parent or another relative. |
| 2010-06-21 11:36 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Expert 1058 Cambridge | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? I have to say, ( i cannot speak from experience in kicking out per se) that it depends on a) your stance b) age c) drug d)frequency. When I was at University, my girlfriend at the time used to (and still does) smoke weed (cannabis) on nights out, and just generally. She would never dream of doing it at home, and was a top notch student, and was by no means addicted to it, just was one of many ways to relax. She knows its not good for her as such, but then you can argue the same with all sorts of things. Alcohol being the obvious example. Does that warrant a kicking out? Or would you say that a couple of times when I dabbled in (smoking) it with her, would you warrant that as a kicking out for me (I tried it, didn't enjoy it, didn't really mind)? A lot of people jump to conclusions, especially parents, so they think you probably smoking it all day long every day etc. Much more info needed, and you need to get the full story from the other side, rather than jumping to conclusions. |
| 2010-06-21 11:40 AM in reply to: #2933998 |
Master 2232 Des Moines, Iowa | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? I do have to share this.... My wife and I recently heard, "It's like living in a penitentiary around here!" So my wife's response over the next couple of days after she performed her normal, daily chores: * (makes him breakfast)...."In the penitentiary you would get this through a hole in the door" * (moves his internet cord)...."In the penitentary you don't get internet" * (after folding his clothes)..."In the penitentiary you get one set of clothes - and they don't have "American Eagle" across the front. * (hands him his mail)...."In the penitentiary these would be opened and read before you get them" I was pretty proud of her. She's quite a woman. She also told him she hopes he never has to find out what that would really be like. We'll see though....I hope he doesn't either. |
| 2010-06-21 11:44 AM in reply to: #2934288 |
Master 2232 Des Moines, Iowa | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? SteveyD... I hear you....but there are not too many felony charges involved with drinking alcohol. |
| 2010-06-21 12:12 PM in reply to: #2934312 |
Expert 3126 Boise, ID | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? I am not speaking from experience and I don't have children so this is merely an opinion, but... When I was a kid I had to make my own breakfast, I washed and folded my own clothes. Did I have it way too good? Of course, every kid does. But I do think it helps to make a kid participate in creating a working household. If they can see that a home doesn't just happen, that people work very hard to provide and maintain the standard of living the kid is accustomed to, then perhaps they will be more appreciative and better prepared once they do leave. So yes, in prison you don't get all the nice stuff. But at home it shouldn't be handed to you, you should be required to pitch in and take care of yourself and maybe even others a little here and there. shawn barr - 2010-06-21 10:40 AM I do have to share this.... My wife and I recently heard, "It's like living in a penitentiary around here!" So my wife's response over the next couple of days after she performed her normal, daily chores: * (makes him breakfast)...."In the penitentiary you would get this through a hole in the door" * (moves his internet cord)...."In the penitentary you don't get internet" * (after folding his clothes)..."In the penitentiary you get one set of clothes - and they don't have "American Eagle" across the front. * (hands him his mail)...."In the penitentiary these would be opened and read before you get them" I was pretty proud of her. She's quite a woman. She also told him she hopes he never has to find out what that would really be like. We'll see though....I hope he doesn't either. |
| 2010-06-21 12:15 PM in reply to: #2934312 |
Pro 5169 Burbs | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? shawn barr - 2010-06-21 12:40 PM I do have to share this.... My wife and I recently heard, "It's like living in a penitentiary around here!" So my wife's response over the next couple of days after she performed her normal, daily chores: * (makes him breakfast)...."In the penitentiary you would get this through a hole in the door" * (moves his internet cord)...."In the penitentary you don't get internet" * (after folding his clothes)..."In the penitentiary you get one set of clothes - and they don't have "American Eagle" across the front. * (hands him his mail)...."In the penitentiary these would be opened and read before you get them" I was pretty proud of her. She's quite a woman. She also told him she hopes he never has to find out what that would really be like. We'll see though....I hope he doesn't either. He sounds like he's living the good life. 18 and mom is folding his laundry and making his breakfast? I'm not criticizing, because I don't know what it's like to have an 18 year old, but the fact that he's really living well AND not apologizing for his behavior AND not following the rules of YOUR HOUSE (where he is, IMO, lucky to be living!) leads me to believe that he doesn't respect you or your wife. |
| 2010-06-21 12:26 PM in reply to: #2934312 |
Pro 4277 Parker, CO | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? shawn barr - 2010-06-21 10:40 AM I do have to share this.... My wife and I recently heard, "It's like living in a penitentiary around here!" So my wife's response over the next couple of days after she performed her normal, daily chores: * (makes him breakfast)...."In the penitentiary you would get this through a hole in the door" * (moves his internet cord)...."In the penitentary you don't get internet" * (after folding his clothes)..."In the penitentiary you get one set of clothes - and they don't have "American Eagle" across the front. * (hands him his mail)...."In the penitentiary these would be opened and read before you get them" I was pretty proud of her. She's quite a woman. She also told him she hopes he never has to find out what that would really be like. We'll see though....I hope he doesn't either. if the kid is 18 or older this is just too easy for him. he needs to be responsible. your wife does not need to be doing his laundry or cooking him meals. that is unless maybe he is contributing in some other way. be one thing if he was following the rules. but sounds like he is not and while my kids are not that age yet...when they are they will respect some basic rules, or there will be consequences. Edited by rayd 2010-06-21 12:28 PM |
| 2010-06-21 12:31 PM in reply to: #2934445 |
Pro 4824 Houston | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? trishie - 2010-06-21 12:15 PM shawn barr - 2010-06-21 12:40 PM I do have to share this.... My wife and I recently heard, "It's like living in a penitentiary around here!" So my wife's response over the next couple of days after she performed her normal, daily chores: * (makes him breakfast)...."In the penitentiary you would get this through a hole in the door" * (moves his internet cord)...."In the penitentary you don't get internet" * (after folding his clothes)..."In the penitentiary you get one set of clothes - and they don't have "American Eagle" across the front. * (hands him his mail)...."In the penitentiary these would be opened and read before you get them" I was pretty proud of her. She's quite a woman. She also told him she hopes he never has to find out what that would really be like. We'll see though....I hope he doesn't either. He sounds like he's living the good life. 18 and mom is folding his laundry and making his breakfast? I'm not criticizing, because I don't know what it's like to have an 18 year old, but the fact that he's really living well AND not apologizing for his behavior AND not following the rules of YOUR HOUSE (where he is, IMO, lucky to be living!) leads me to believe that he doesn't respect you or your wife. My 6 and 8 year old girls get their own breakfast and fold their own clothes and the 15 and 17 year old boys have been doing it since they were that age as well. At 18 your wife shouldn't be doing anything for him. Providing a place to stay as well as emotional and parental support is great. If he is not in school he should be working full time and paying rent and buying all his own AE clothes. In his defense words overheard by a teenager while having what they believe is a personal phone conversation should not be used against them. I am sure most of us said something similar when in the company of friends when we were kids. Maybe something like 'I couldn't help but over hear - is that how you really feel?' And then you could start explaining to him how easy his life is. Do you know for sure he is using drugs? You didn't reference that in your second post. If you have proof it needs to be addressed. If you are not sure test him, if he will not test then treat him as if he is guilty. Your house, your rules. |
| 2010-06-21 1:35 PM in reply to: #2933998 |
Master 2232 Des Moines, Iowa | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? Thanks for all the good input. A few answers to the questions above and a few comments: 1) DO WE KNOW FOR SURE? Yes, no question. 2) Having it too good (meals, laundry, etc)...Yes, you are probably right. My wife views it a couple of ways. She loves her kids (and me most of the time  , and she enjoys providing these things. The kids do pitch in for some things. Also, as far as meals, It's easier to make 1 meal for 6 instead of having 6 people fend for themselves. But upon, reading your comments it's time to have the rest of the household step up a little more (we have 3 teens and a 20 year old.) 3) Tough Love - Agree definitely. That is why I put him out last summer. In my professional career, I've seen too many families destroyed because parents wouldn't get tough....and show love at the same time. They bail them out, give in, shell out finances, put up with outrageous behavior, etc. And then the end result is the same....the kid moves out. Except the family is now a mess. I decided I wouldn't allow this to happen to our family. A little more info......He has moved back in and is sliding into unacceptable behavior and complaining about chores, curfews (12:00!), etc. He's also complaining that we were too harsh when we kicked him out last summer and that it's my fault he's facing some serious consequences because I kicked him out (not because of his poor choices...we've already had the discussion about shifting blame). SHOULD A KIDS WORDS BE HELD AGAINST HIM (OR HER) WHEN THEY THINK IT'S A PRIVATE CONVERSATION...I must disagree with you that they shouldn't. Especially when dealing with illegal, dangerous, or immoral activities. Yes, I would clarify the conversation and get the facts straight; but if I hear it from my child - we're talking about it. Thanks for all the encouragement and good input. |
| 2010-06-21 2:13 PM in reply to: #2933998 |
Pro 4824 Houston | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? I love taking care of my family too but doing everything for them is a detrement to them. I married a man that has no idea how to cook because his Mommy always did everything for him. When we met he lived off protein shakes and sandwiches. What is a huge issue here is all the other kids in the house know what is going on and are paying very close attention to how this is dealt with. All of this is having an impact on them. From what I've read it sounds like we are talking about pot here. I am actually one that thinks pot should be legal. However it is NOT right now and if it were legal it certainly wouldn't be for a teenager. It is important to stress any mind altering recreational drugs are illegal at his age including alcohol and that should be handled the same way IMO. I would let him know it doesn't matter if it's pot or booze it's illegal for him, period. It is a tough situation but I'll also share that my brother is a 46 year old drug addict/alcoholic and currently living with and mooching off our Mother. The time to address this and draw the line is right now. It is very important that you and your wife are on the same page. If you are not I'd bring in someone from the outside like a counselor or some kind of therapist. |
| 2010-06-21 2:15 PM in reply to: #2934312 |
Champion 6742 The Green Between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? shawn barr - 2010-06-21 12:40 PM I do have to share this.... My wife and I recently heard, "It's like living in a penitentiary around here!" So my wife's response over the next couple of days after she performed her normal, daily chores: * (makes him breakfast)...."In the penitentiary you would get this through a hole in the door" * (moves his internet cord)...."In the penitentary you don't get internet" * (after folding his clothes)..."In the penitentiary you get one set of clothes - and they don't have "American Eagle" across the front. * (hands him his mail)...."In the penitentiary these would be opened and read before you get them" I was pretty proud of her. She's quite a woman. She also told him she hopes he never has to find out what that would really be like. We'll see though....I hope he doesn't either. Barge in while he's taking a shower, "You know, in the penitentiary..." NOTE: Just trying to add a little levity. Hope it's taken as such. |
| 2010-06-21 3:54 PM in reply to: #2933998 |
Expert 1690 | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? I agree once pot is legal the argument changes alot, but right now he should be careful especially if he is 18 or older. Maybe sign him up for one of those prison walk throughs that they show on the daily talk shows. A day in the pen might help him out since your laws dont seem to matter much. Have you tried a non confrontational route in talking to him, why he wants to use it? why is he willing to give up so much for it? Putting people on the defensive doesnt work out well and makes you make harder decisions. Hard love does work yes but you might seriously damage your relationship beyond repair. My best friend was kicked out of his house for smoking pot (although never in the house) I was bad terms with my family because of my friendship with him (I'd known him for 3/4 of my life and wasnt interested in giving it up) he now lives in northern california and grows pot legally and happily and visits regularly but doesnt spend much time at all with his family. |
| 2010-06-21 4:02 PM in reply to: #2933998 |
Master 1457 MidWest | Subject: RE: Drugs (illegal)...so how do I ask this....? Shawn, Sounds like you were living in our house!!! Like you, we have a son that likes to imbibe in illegal, immoral activities. I tried the begging and pleading avenue and it never worked, just made thing very stressful at home. The younger siblings didn't enjoy being in the house when he was home and were uncomfortable bringing friends home. Finally had enough and told him to take his habits and go. He lived with a friend and that didn't end so well. Someone must have been looking out for him because he came across an apartment for a good price and another friend (my age, BTW) offered to move in wqith him. He still struggles to make ends meet and has borrowed money from us, but that train has left the station as well. Give me a call if you want to talk. |
|
|
|
View profile
Add to friends
Go to training log
Go to race log
Send a message
View album
CONNECT WITH FACEBOOK