General Discussion Triathlon Talk » Training issues with significant other? Rss Feed  
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2008-09-12 8:13 PM

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Subject: Training issues with significant other?
I am 29yr male who just started training last year after getting divorced and am having issues with my girlfriend who does not work out and I have been really good about waking up early and not many after work gym times.  What do people do to help fix these issues?  Is it a take it leave it attitude or another way?   Or is look for triathlete significant other?  Not sure if this is the right place to post though, but must be issues for a ton of people though.


2008-09-12 8:52 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Well, if you're going to be a triathlete you definitely need a supportive partner. I started doing them and now my husband wants to do them. The season is over for us so he'll race next year.

If she doesn't work out, she doesn't work out. If you have an issue with it you need to talk to her about it.
2008-09-12 8:55 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Some spouses/SOs do not seem to like being second (go figure ) and this lifestyle can certainly make your SO feel that way.  My advice is to make sure that you are proactively doing a lot of the things together that she likes to do. That is, make sure to put her first a great deal of the time.  Although my wife is a triathlete, I have found this attitude to go a long way towards a good relationship.  Make it a habit and you'll have it made.
2008-09-12 9:03 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
I can't tell you what to do, but, as someone with a super-supportive wife, I can tell you what NOT to do: don't sign up for an IM, then get your wife pregnant a month later.

Trust me on this one.



In all seriousness though, my wife and I did survive me doing IMOO this year with a 7 week old baby at home. Yeah, it was tough. Yeah, we had to talk through some stuff. Yeah, I missed some (a LOT) of workouts I would have liked to have done, but, in the end, my wife and child are more important than a race (or races) and she damn well knows that.

Make sure your significant other knows that too.
2008-09-12 9:45 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
My 2 cents: you have been though a bad thing once.  Don't put yourself through that again.  If its not meant to be with your current SO, move on.  Better to learn sooner rather than later.  Sorry to be Machiavelian (misspelled) about it.  Good luck and sorry.
2008-09-12 9:45 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

jamiemutton1 - 2008-09-12 9:13 PM I am 29yr male who just started training last year after getting divorced and am having issues with my girlfriend who does not work out and I have been really good about waking up early and not many after work gym times.  What do people do to help fix these issues?  Is it a take it leave it attitude or another way?   Or is look for triathlete significant other?  Not sure if this is the right place to post though, but must be issues for a ton of people though.

break up with her.

Seriously, you're not even married to her and she already has a problem? She's not supportive? Whatever. My DBF doesn't understand the inner workings, but he supports me 100%. Not because he LOVES triathlons or always wanted to date a triathelte, but because he LOVES ME and knows it makes me happy.

 Seriously, she's got to be supportive of your new lifestyle. Otherwise it's just not fair.



2008-09-12 10:10 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
when i started training and such, it took a little while (well, over a year i'd say) for me and the SO to get this thing figured out. . it took me a while to realize its ok for her to not be that interested in my training, and stuff, as long as i got to do it and as long as i still made time for her.  i have gotten a little better about it, realizing that yes, training is important, but life is about balance and i think triathlon addiction can definitly unbalance some of the plates in life, so to speak.  . not that i have this balance thing completely figured out yet
2008-09-12 10:28 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

Hi,

I don't know anything about training because I just started but...

I think you need to express to your girlfriend that it is important to you to do your training and although you will make time for her, that you need time for yourself and your training.  

 Does she like to do anything active?  If so, maybe you could incorporate that into your cross training as well?  

 When I started dating my husband, he would do occasional workouts while I went to the gym regularly.  We both liked to hike, he did it more frequently though but then we started hiking together.  Our routines have evolved since then and a few years later, we just started biking together (sometimes) and swimming together (most times) and we do hike still but other workouts we do on our own. 



Edited by linanil 2008-09-12 10:29 PM
2008-09-12 11:26 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Do what I did!  Get decently overweight, then decide you wanna train for Tris!  Your spouse will be so pleased that you are being active and losing weight, they will love it!
2008-09-12 11:31 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Um is it me or is dating someone the time to see if you two mesh and get along and what not? I think you both need to decide if this is that big of a deal breaker and if so you need to move on if not figure it out. besides i'm sure she was attracted to that athlete body anyway lol....
2008-09-13 6:16 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
toader - 2008-09-12 11:26 PM

Do what I did!  Get decently overweight, then decide you wanna train for Tris!  Your spouse will be so pleased that you are being active and losing weight, they will love it!


+1

My wife REALLY likes the 6-1, 178 pound Ironman husband compared to the old 6-1, 220 pound guy she was with.



2008-09-13 7:05 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Is the problem that you want her to workout too, and she's not interested in it?
Or that she doesn't support you training and working out?

I had a similiar issue with an ex-girlfriend. She always said she wanted to loose weight and work out, but never would. It actually worked to get me to stop my working out (this was before I even got involved with tri's).
It didn't take long before that was a problem. But the problem was not that she didn't work out, but that she said one thing and did another.

If you can deal with the differences then fine. Relationships are made from compromise. But, since this is obviously something that bothers you, it may be best to find someone with more common interests. At least you have the benefit of age. I'm 36 and still looking!
2008-09-13 7:26 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

I think it's so important that your SO supports you, even if s/he doesn't want to be a triathlete (ever) or understand why you willingly put your body through so much hell

I'm very lucky -- my husband is not an athlete, but he wakes up at 5:00 with me, drives me to races, holds my stuff, takes pictures of me, cheers me on, and drives my tired beat up home.

What are her issues with you?  Time?  Attention?

2008-09-13 7:48 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

There are some great posts in this thread.

About the only thing I can think to add is what works for my wife & I.  I move my training schedule around to accommodate our schedule (social, family, son's sports, work, etc.), not the other way around.  I've found if I plan well, I rarely miss a training session.  Sometimes I train in the morning, sometimes in the evening, and sometimes I switch rest days with training days.

I think trying to maintain this balance helps my wife be extremely supportive.  She helps me with healthy meal planning (cooking is one of her favorite hobbies), walks/jogs on the half mile track at a park while I run, and is always at my races with cow bell in hand screaming at the top of her lungs.

If you're a little flexible, it's not unreasonable to expect your SO to be flexible too.

2008-09-13 8:14 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
My wife will never understand my driving force for triathlons.  Likewise I will never understand why she prefers the sedentary way of life, and would rather read 4 hours a day.  I see this as a blessing because we each have OUR OWN time for ourselves.  Most of my training is by myself and I really enjoy this.  Not sure how I would feel if my SO were doing it with me.  I've been married since 1991 and am comfortable that we each have our own individual time.  My wife loves to sleep in on the weekends which is awesome for my training.  She knows how grumpy I can get if I dont get my training time.
2008-09-13 8:16 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Go to the Girls of BT 2008 thread on COJ and browse the single girls?


2008-09-13 8:35 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

This has been a great thread.  My girlfriend jogs in the morning, but refuses to run with me do to her not wanting to slow me down.  She is a very active athletic person, but wants nothing to do with competition of any kind.  I am a very competitive person and wants to win.   My ex-wife is a professional horse person and we were around each other 24hrs a day with the horses and it was our downfall.    I have went from 183 to 160 pounds with 5% body fat since April and it is a major lifestyle change (food, exercise, daily living habits).   I love my life style, but I do realize it is hard for non-competitive people to be around it.  I am not crazy by any means   5:30am - hour run or bike,  5:15-6pm at the gym swimming. 

Thank you everyone for your insight, and never know maybe my next thread could be "any single tri girls looking for a training partner"

Thanks

2008-09-13 8:46 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

Great thread!  My DH has been training with me, but as my race approaches I've been cranking it up & he's just too busy (rightfully so!) to spend that much time training.

Now, he's having a difficult time keeping up. 

So far, we've loved doing this together, but with his busy schedule, I can see the disappointment on his face that I'm moving ahead.

I really don't want to hold back - he doesn't want me to hold back.  

These are complex issues in a relationship.  Ours is really strong & has been around for years & has weathered tough issues (much tougher than this).

I wish you wisdom!!

Love & Triathlon Training - Sounds like a great article topic!!!  Only problem - NO EXPERTS!!!!!

2008-09-13 9:45 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?


Edited by LaurenSU02 2008-09-13 9:56 AM
2008-09-13 10:34 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
Your girlfriend doesn't have to "want to compete." I am not sure what the issue is based on with what you have written. It sounds like your girlfriend is content with her level of activity and that you are content with your level of activity. The only disconnect I hear is that you want her to be competative, and she is not. You have not said that 1) she is not supportive of your workouts, 2) that she feels 2nd fiddle, 3) or any other negative statement, attitude or action on her part. All you have said is that you have a problem with her workout schedule. So unless we get a bit more detail.... you are the "high maintanance person" in this interaction not she.

The big question is, can you let it go or will it forever make you miserable that she is not competative? What if she were competative and were better than you, would that be an issue? What if her workout schedule made her rarely avaiable to you because she was doing 20 hours a week in a sport you had no interest in? What if her interest were not a sport, but art or some other random thing?

Are there other, more significant compatability issues that you are overlooking and focusing on this instead because it is easier to focus on? Anyway my 2 cents, but few details makes it hard to identify the actual problem.
2008-09-13 11:10 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?

jamiemutton1 - 2008-09-12 9:13 PM 

Is it a take it leave it attitude or another way? 

In my experience, there are very, very few things in relationships that merit the take-it-or-leave it approach. Tri-training certainly is not one of those.

 



2008-09-13 11:29 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
ScottoNM - 2008-09-13 12:10 PM

jamiemutton1 - 2008-09-12 9:13 PM 

Is it a take it leave it attitude or another way? 

In my experience, there are very, very few things in relationships that merit the take-it-or-leave it approach. Tri-training certainly is not one of those.

 

 I kind of disagree. If it's a new relationship there may be more leeway in whether or not this is a take-it or leave-it situation. If it's older, then I see your point.

I'm dating a football coach and have been for 5 years. So I'm fully engrossed in this lifestyle - I kinda have to be. BUT, I have decided tri's are what I want to do. And I expect the same support I give him for myself and my endevours. I NEED him to be supportive and interested in my life. I'd be furious if he wasn't considering the things I will have to give up to be a coach's wife and how involved I am now.

But that's an understanding between both of us so it's not an issue.

I guess it comes down  to what do you want in regards to this lifestyle from this significant other. Like someone else posted: do you want her to be competitive with you or just support you?? There is a difference and can illicit seperate responses. This may be especially important if you think this may be your 2nd wife.

2008-09-13 11:56 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
I'll weigh in on how my family and I deal with it. My family is very supportive of me and I think its because of the way we have managed to integrate tri training into our lives. Below are some things that have worked for us.

1. Saturday is family day no matter what. I schedule Saturday as a rest day and dedicate it to doing family things.

2. I limit the distances that I do to accomodate my familys schedule. Right now that means limiting myself to sprints and olys, maybe later things will change and I can do longer distances but for now this is it.

3. Some training time is family time. My 11 yealr old daughter comes on my long runs with me. I'm really slow and talking to her helps me run at the correct pace. We find it to be a very special time together. My son like to swim laps with me, and my youngest like to help me work on the bike with me. She also like to go to the LBS with me, but I think that has more to do with the shop dogs then anything else.

4. My wife knows my schedule. Friday evenings are often my long rides so she plans a fun evening with her and the kids, (movies and pizza) and Dad shows up when he is done.

2008-09-13 7:48 PM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
dump her and start dating a tri-hottie!
2008-09-14 6:08 AM
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Subject: RE: Training issues with significant other?
toader - 2008-09-13 12:26 AM

Do what I did!  Get decently overweight, then decide you wanna train for Tris!  Your spouse will be so pleased that you are being active and losing weight, they will love it!



your Doc, too.

kevin
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