Bad Bar Jokes

Walked into a bar jokes are my wheelhouse.

A sandwich walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "we don't serve food here."

2 hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.  One says, "I think I lost an electron.  The other says, "are you sure?"  The first one says, "I'm positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

2 peanuts walk into a bar.  One is assaulted.

A man with a slab of ashpalt under his arm walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a belt, and one for the road.

2 guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

my bonus - what do you call a zen hot dog?  one with everything.

A string walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.  Barkeep says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."  The string leaves and comesback the next day, sits down, and orders a beer.  Barkeep says, "I told you we don't serve strings here!"  The string leaves and comes back the next day, but before he walks in he kinda wiggles and wriggles and bends and twists, and then he kidna tussles the one end on top, then he walks in, sits down, and orders a beer.  By now the barkeep is getting pretty mad and says, "For the last time, we don't serve strings in here."  String says, "Well that's good, 'cuz I'm not a string."  "You're not?" the barkeep says puzzled.  "Nope, I'm afraid not!"

Bonus:  An oldie, but a goodie - Did you hear about the horse that walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink?  Bartender handed it to him and asked, "Hey, Pal, what's with the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll take a beer and a mop."

An accountant, a rabbi & a priest walk into a bar.  Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" 

A nuetron walks in to a bar and orders a beer. After the bartender serves him, the nuetron inquires as to how much he owes. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

*wishes she had a trap set*

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw"

Not exactly a bar joke, but its one I couldn't let go by.

Two bass players with the Philharmonic were bored during Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, which does not rely too much on the bass. So they decide to go to a bar for a few drinks while waiting for their parts to come along. However, it is a bit windy in the outdoor stadium, so they decide to tie the sheet music to the stand with string so that it does not fly away while they are gone.

They have one too many and when it comes time for them to play they attempt to stagger back. So.......here's the situation.... it's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded.

Not a bar joke, but in keeping with my last Irish one:

An Irish woman was at home one day awaiting the arrival of her husband from work at the Guinness brewery, when she hears a knock at the door.  When she opens the door, she sees one of her husband's co-workers with a very solemn look on his face.  "I'm sorry ma'am, but there was a terrible accident at the brewery today.  Your husband, well, he fell into one of the vats and drowned."  After a good deal of crying and disbelief at the loss of her husband, she composed herself enough to ask, "Did he suffer?"  "Not exactly," the co-worker replied, "He got out three times to pee"

A baby seal walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "What can I get ya?"  Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

ba dum dum.

Jeng (or was it misscullen) will like this one.

An American, an Austrailian, and a Canadian walk into a bar in Windsor. They all order a round. After about two thirds of the glass is finished, the american chugs the rest of the brew tosses his glass into the air, takes out a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He turns to the other two and proclaims "In America, we are so rich, that we never have to drink out of the same glass twice". Upon seeing this, the Austrailian does the same, throwing up the glass, taking the American's gun and firing at the glass. He turns to the other to and says "in Austrailia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, therefore we never have to drink out of the same glass twice". The Canadian, now feeling the peer pressure, finishes his, tosses the glass takes the gun and shoots the American. The aussie is completly floored by this and the Canuck says "In Canada, we have so many Americans, that we never have to drink  with the same one twice."

Thank you thank you. I'm here'till thursday, try the veal.

(I hope that I didn't end all future BT Canada-US relations)

A blonde woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a 15, will ya?"  The bartender stands there for a bit with a confused look on his face, until a gentleman at the bar speaks up and says, "The young lady would like a Seven & Seven."

A guy goes home with a duck under his arm. He walks in the kitchen, looks at his wife and says, "here's the pig I've been screwing."

His wife says, " That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, " I wasn't talking to you."

I don't get it 

Let me know if this helps... http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3618901.stm

Who am I?

"Seals on  the run...Seals on the run...SAVE THE SEALS!!"