Depression and Moods- Check in! (Page 17)

Boy I am in a funk today, need to get to the gym and workout to release some endorfins.  I hope this doesn't last long.  I have been taking my meds, but they don't feel like they are working today.  I have a nervous stomach too.  We got a warm wind blowing through town I forgot how nice they were.   The sky is clear and lots of sunshine. How is everyone else?

Hey there!  Come back and let us know whats goin on!  Kinda nutty where running will take you, isnt it?

Welcome.  Hope things are going well for you with the running and tri's.

Most of us at least check in here regularly and this is a "Judgement Free Zone".

Look forward to hearing about your situation  and feel free to chime in when you think you can be of help to someone....we all care and we all need the support of the others.

Steve

Hi everyone.  I am not new here, but most of the time I am in lurking mode, but def reading all your posts and Tri als and tribulations.

I thank goodness for the endorphines from training, as I also stopped all chemical meds about 3 years ago.  Xanax and Wellburtrin worked well, but they interfered with my flying, and it was hard to remember to take them, especially when you are supposed to do so with meals.  I rarely eat at regular times.

Anyway Tri training has now almost become obsessive, even though I am not OCD, and is almost the only time I feel good, (or can at least forget that I don't feel good).

The biggest problem I have is my inability to control my lack of patience and being quick to anger.  Anxiety is always just below the surface, but I have learned the "fake smile" very well.

The "fake smile" is something I have mastered as well but it is something I have learned has greatly contributed to my dark days and mood swings.  If you can find some way...counselling, talking to friends, journaling, etc. it may help.  At least that gives you a place to take the emotions that are now being buried behind the fake pearly whites.

Glad you are doing great without the meds and good luck in the upcoming tri season.

Steve

Hi. I stopped meds awhile back, too. Tri training helps a lot, but its easy to let it become your med of choice. I have a horrible temper, too. I'm babbling a little, but basically just trying to say I feel you, come back and keep us posted.

It's great to see new people chiming in and all the "regulars," too. Please keep coming and sharing your journeys--we are not alone! There's safety in numbers!

Ever not chime in because you can't quite put it into words? So much of this stuff isn't concrete and seems illogical ...

I started back on meds a few days ago because the depression was rolling in like a Mack truck and the anxiety wasn't getting any better. The good thing is, I recognized it a lot faster and didn't stay in denial about it. The bad thing is, I don't like getting through the "side effects" period (especially when you're still feeling really funky 'cause the therapeutic effects haven't kicked in yet), and here in Indonesia the medication choices are so limited. However, my quality of life and functioning was already suffering so I'm definitely no worse off than before and the future looks significantly better!

I am still able to train, so that's great. I've started on a HIM training plan and I really hope to do one in May.

ASIDE from the fact that I do have major depressive episodes from time to time, I really just crashed, too. When I moved overseas to take care of my folks and run a business, I was in a truly traumatic, untenable situation for almost six months. Then moving out and to the next island over was great, but it was very scary starting all over again--financially and otherwise. Exciting but still very stressful to establish myself here and then find a place to live, etc. So I think my mind and body finally just caved in and said, "YO. We are enforcing a break!"

All the time!!!  But, I have taken on this thread to be one of the places where I can put it out regardless!  We of this place understand one another.  We know what it means to be in the shadow of some demon we cant see or explain or cant tell you why its on our a$$.  

You did the cool thing, to let it out here!  Feels better and who cares how concrete or logical it is.  No worries!!!!  If I understood half the crap I said, I would be dangerous! 

Meds will definitely help , its a no lose thing youre absolutely right.  Youre wise for listening and recognizing the "crash" especially with all the stuff it sounds like youve been thru.  This may be the top of the hill, you know?  Coast and catch your breath.

Keep us posted and just let it out.  One of us will get it!

Here I am ready to ramble about the past few days.

On Friday I started the day off really well with a 45min session on the bike trainer.  I had a swim planned for later in the day, but when I got home and checked my mail I got a bill from my lawyer for the divorce.  It wasn't expensive at only $53 but I was the fact that my $3K retainer fee had been used up already and I'm not even divorced yet!  I have to wait until April 1st for some hearing so POSSIBLY get a judgment that day. 

So then I started feeling this emotional soup.  I went online to a list of emotions and picked out 23 I was feeling right then.  I called a good friend of mine and he told me just skip the swim and go do something fun like window shopping.  I went to the mall but it was only open for another hour by the time I got there and I didn't see anything at all that I liked so I went home.  I did feel slightly better and was getting ready to just go to bed when another friend of mine from work called and asked if I wanted to go out.  I kind of felt like it was just what I needed, and it was a lot of fun but now the consequences are ruining a few days.

I don't normally drink and when I do I don't usually do shots because it can get to the point I just get emotional and then I'm "that emotional drunk girl".  All my lonliness, sadness, depression, grief, and fears came up and ran the rest of the night for me.  Thanks alot!  The people I went out with probably think I'm totally nutso now.  That just makes my feelings worse.  Along with the two day hangover of which I still sort of have a headache, I haven't been able to train since Friday morning because I feel tired, worn out, and depressed!!!  Evil evil circle.  My training was going SO well before I decided to go out on Friday, why did I have to sabotage it?

I lifted some weights this afternoon and was planning on doing a long run that I missed last week but all I want to do is go back to sleep. 

Sarah ...

Stop bludgeoning yourself. You're an extraordinary human being who tri's, who helps so many people on this thread, and who's been through a lot and come out the other side.

Getting drunk and emotional isn't a moral failure. It was a coping mechanism that didn't work, and the aftereffects suck.

Good on you for getting through it and getting back to working out. And if you don't get to the long run? There is always tomorrow.

I sincerely believe that if we've made it to this point in one piece and alive, that in some sense, we've done it perfectly.

A week back on meds and there's already a good crack of light in my life again.

I'm still really struggling with not being able to sleep, though. I'll get a wonderful night in there now and again, for no apparent reason. Unfortunately, they don't have non-habit-forming sleep medications here--it's the valium group or nothing--so I'm on my own there.

The good news is that I am not waking up in panic anymore. It's mere dread. Not even utter dread.

I still can't eat very much either, and am just forcing food down whenever I can. I'm very hungry--my stomach's in knots--but absolutely no appetite. I'm hoping as the training increases that will act as a natural appetite stimulant. Ha! I really hope I'm reporting back soon that I have the opposite problem!

You've improved lightyears from a week ago, it's entirely evident!  Funny that mere dread can be pleasant, but I totally know what you mean.  Like you're off the bungee jump platform finally and are riding the Tea Cups. AWESOME!

It's La Bamba!!!!  KEEP DANCIN! 

Having spent all of my life in a "macho" world...only child of a tight fisted ex-military man and then 30 years working in a fire station where the testosterone was so rampant that the Fire House Dalmatian had 4 testicles ...anyway, when I have depressive episodes like I have had in the past it has really helped me to write it out as in journaling.  I am not one to talk to people about this, especially people in my family and CERTAINLY not people from the fire station. 

That is why I was so glad to have found this thread and be able to write here knowing that not only was I among friends but I could receive input and do so without being judged.....and that is so important.

I've been lucky that I have not been  on any meds for several years (maybe I should have but I made it through) and I have not had a real bad depressive episode for several months now.  Recently it has been more anxiety and trying to get through some relationship issues with my soon to be Ex. and also coming to grips with the fact that I was waist deep in a co-dependant relationship....that was mostly of my own making....that's an eye-opener.

We are fortunate to have this place here on BT and I applaud all of those that can come here and help each other and can come here to receive that same help.

Never thought even 10 years ago that I would have to deal with this and certainly never thought I would be a "regular" on a message board about depression....but here I am, warts and all and I am proud to call all that are here my friends and to be there if I can help them.

Steve

I can tell you're feeling a bit better already, and I'm so glad. I just wish you had an answer for your sleeping woes.

Thank you for your helpful reply.  It almost made me cry.  I'm glad you're feeling better too.  I know what you mean about "mere" dread.  It almost made me laugh because I remember the days I didn't cry and actually got out of bed were good days. 

Oh my god was that funny.  Having been married to a firefighter and working with not only men, but pilots every day I know exactly what you mean.  I had such a funny visual when you put that in there. LOL

I'm struggling.

Keep looking at the positives, even though my gut feels like a churning black hole that I'm imploding into.

I won't feel this way forever. I may feel differently as early as tomorrow.

I know recovery isn't linear. I was feeling that "crack of light" better after a week, only to feel like I'm plunged in darkness again now, but admittedly, this darkness is not nearly as bad as the one at the outset was.
 
I ate two pieces of French toast today, a few bites of rice and a few squares of tofu. Oh! And a yogurt. And coffee with some milk in it.

I should probably take a multivitamin. I'm hoping that by posting, I'll get the courage to take my medications tonight. I have this stupid idea in my head that I've been taking them, I feel badly right now, ergo, they are what has been making me feel bad. I'm scared. There. I've put it out there.

Hey Thanks for checkin in with us nutbags.  It helps all of us.  Struggling?  look at that smile on your new pic!  That's not struggling, that's friggin happy!  Sometimes there is only one thing to hang on to but it definitely beats the abyss.  I am continually surprised at how strong a hold that one thing--stupid or little as it may be--can keep you from going in. Kind of like a climbing rope.  There were times when the one thing was as stupid as thinking of my dog leaping to catch a frisbee.  But it works.....

Take the meds, take the meds, take the meds!!!!  A junkie wants to get clean, but the monkey on his back keeps sayin "shoot up dammit! shoot up!"  With us there are times when the depression gorilla gets on our backs and says the opposite--"pills bad, no take..."  If the junkie listens to the monkey, he likely gets nowhere but dead.  We can't listen to the gorilla.

Hang in there Yanti, stay the course and it WILL get lighter.  Keep coming here too!!!

Okay, you got me thinking about gorillas and monkeys jumping around, and that's twice you've made me laugh today. I am holding you personally responsible!!!

There's a big famous (sacred) monkey forest here in Bali, and I'll be in the vicinity on Thursday. I think it would be great fun to visit and watch the monkeys literally jump on people's backs. This is generally tourists who ignored the big DO NOT WEAR HATS OR JEWELRY signs and verbal warnings in a gazillion languages.

Take the meds, Yanti! It can always seem so dark after you saw the light, but remember, it isn't really as dark now as it was before. You were momentarily blinded by the light, but now you can climb back up.

Want another mental image to help you laugh? My dog has a Barbie raincoat. She's a 5 pound papillon, and she's ensconced in a bright pink vinyl raincoat with a bit Barbie 'B' on it. And she's pissed.

Pissed 5-Pound Papillon in a Bright-pink Barbie B coat! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!

If you put me in a raincoat like that, I'd be pissed too.

What you said first was incredibly beautiful and so true, too. Thank you.

I am really torn here.  Laughing hysterically at the picture of this dog.  But I feel I have a duty to call the Humane Society, or PETA or Animal Planet to film it all.

Its so sad, I wish I had a camera to take pictures. This client brought it in, thought Vivaldi would love it. I have a coat for her, its pink, but she wears it during snowstorms and such. I guess the client thought I needed a raincoat for her. Or maybe she secretly hates Vivaldi and I, and this is her way of torturing us.

Hi everyone,

I decided it's probably time for me to say hi in this thread and share my story.

I was first diagnosed with depression my freshman year of college 10(!) years ago.  I was on anti-depressants for awhile and was doing a lot better.  I also found out I was having panic attacks and got treatment for that. I was off meds for the year after college and doing quite well.  Then, I got married, moved across the country, and started grad school all within a month of each other.  Unsurprisingly, depression decided to make an appearance again and I went back on the medication.  This time was for about 18 months. 

That was about three years ago.  I've been managing grad school ok - I'm in my 4th year of a PhD after finishing a Master's - and I have some great friends now.  But, I've noticed over the past 6 months or so that I'm kind of miserable.  I randomly start crying or getting angry at my husband for tiny things.  I've kind of resisted treatment because I've always been concerned that I'm bipolar.  I don't know if that's actually true as I tend to just have the really bad without the really good, but there's family history and I worry.  I have no energy or motivation and I really just want to sit on the couch all day watching trashy TV.  I'm sleeping a ton, although I have nights where I can't sleep at all.  It's not a good situation and it's definitely putting a strain on my relationship with my husband.

I finally went to my doctor today and I have a prescription for Sarafem (it's worst during my period).  I'm not thrilled to be back on drugs, but I owe it to my husband and, more importantly, myself to do something about this. 

Ain't that the truth! You do deserve to be happy . Nobody deserves to be unhappy. I'm glad you have seen the Doc; hopefully they're someone who cares about your health and will help you to feel better. You didn't mention if you are bi-polar, but for what it's worth I know a fellow who does, who is active promoting mental health in Canada, is a really good guy with a family, and just happens to be President of a large business with several hundred employees. He's proof that that one can be beaten with some help- that's a motivator for me when I see folks able to manage it well. Good on ya for posting!

    Blair