Uninterested Spouse (Page 2)

I'm not that serious of a racer I guess. My first year racing they came for all 5 triathlons. And after each race I was exhausted and tired and dealing with whining kids who wanted to eat my pizza, drink my soda and have Mommy carry them around. I kindly let my hubby off the hook and told him he didn't need to fuss with watching me the next year . At that time my children were home with me all day long  so race day was a Mommy break for me! Then a few years ago I completed a HIM and the family came for that one. But recently I have not put blood sweat or tears in for a particular race. If it works with my calendar, my feet don't hurt and the weather is good - then I will jump in a local race. No need for the family to get up at 6:30 on a Sunday for that!

I don't know.  Of all the things we've shared in 20+ years,  triathlon is pretty far down the list of "special", at least as it applies to our relationship.  We don't share our recreation......it's not more complicated than that.

Seriously.  Enjoy the stuff you guys like to do together, and enjoy the stuff you don't.  In a lot of ways I think you've got a dream scenario!  I can hardly wait to see your race list;)

Originally posted by Comet

Originally posted by switch

Originally posted by EV3110 You're all so sweet. Thanks for the responses and helping me realize that I am not the only one. That's all I really need to hear because sometimes it seems like I am one in a million with this issue (mostly on race day). I did mean it sincerely when I said "it is what it is". I don't hold a grudge. Yes, it sucks and it's really something that I will never quite understand but we don't have marital problems over the issue. I don't expect him to go to every race or ask about training all the time. So it is what it is and that is ok. Lately I've been thinking about doing more destination races. Not just a drive away but heading to another state or country for a HIM. These destination races/family vacation is still not of interest to him! Trust me, we've discussed it, he's not a traveler and I'm not going to beg. So I wonder sometimes do I sign up for a destination race that's on my bucket-list and GO FOR IT solo.. or continue with the local tri's and and have regrets later (I am getting old and may not have the body to do this in a few years! ) about not doing the races that I REALLY want to do because the family wont be there? Thanks all!

This!!!

Make a list of the races you want to do anywhere you want to do them and DO THEM!  I can't imagine regretting that

 

THIS. now, I will start off saying my situation is nothing like yours, but due to other circumstances I travel alone. Often. My mother instilled this in me when I was young: "If I had to wait for your father whenever I wanted to go see my family and your grandmother, we'd only go once a year." So, we went without him, had a great time, and he worked or did his thing. I don't think twice about meeting some friends for races near and far! It's so fun! Meet some people, find some friends, and the ball will get rolling! Just this weekend at a race, I had two "race friends" ask my schedule for the year so we could coordinate where to meet up for races. Excellent time, people that enjoy and care, and then I go home feeling great! (I sometimes feel 'guilty' or wish my spouse could have attended, but he often can't.) So stay home and miss out, or go? GO. Also, I agree that the flip side isn't always better. There seem to be far more spouses that hate the tri/active lifestyle. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Count your blessings!

I would separate the two.  Just because my wife doesn't give a rip about triathlon doesn't mean she's not into a very active lifestyle....she is.  I would venture a guess that it's the same for a lot of couples.  My wife works out every day and has for the entire time we've been together.  BUT....she doesn't care much for the triathlon "scene" and doesn't have much in common with people who are part of it, as far as working out goes.  It's not a problem and never has been......but I'd put her resting HR up against anyone on this board. There's quite a bit of life out there that doesn't have anything to do with triathlon.

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy

Originally posted by switch

Originally posted by EV3110

Originally posted by switch

Originally posted by EV3110 You're all so sweet. Thanks for the responses and helping me realize that I am not the only one. That's all I really need to hear because sometimes it seems like I am one in a million with this issue (mostly on race day). I did mean it sincerely when I said "it is what it is". I don't hold a grudge. Yes, it sucks and it's really something that I will never quite understand but we don't have marital problems over the issue. I don't expect him to go to every race or ask about training all the time. So it is what it is and that is ok. Lately I've been thinking about doing more destination races. Not just a drive away but heading to another state or country for a HIM. These destination races/family vacation is still not of interest to him! Trust me, we've discussed it, he's not a traveler and I'm not going to beg. So I wonder sometimes do I sign up for a destination race that's on my bucket-list and GO FOR IT solo.. or continue with the local tri's and and have regrets later (I am getting old and may not have the body to do this in a few years! ) about not doing the races that I REALLY want to do because the family wont be there? Thanks all!

This!!!

Make a list of the races you want to do anywhere you want to do them and DO THEM!  I can't imagine regretting that

 

Have to right?!!

Seriously.  Enjoy the stuff you guys like to do together, and enjoy the stuff you don't.  In a lot of ways I think you've got a dream scenario!  I can hardly wait to see your race list

  I'm seeing Guns N' Roses for the 7th time in May...and my wife just isn't a concert-goer (and we don't use baby-sitters) so she's not going. Is that a special outing for me? Hell yeah! So yes, I understand the "do your own thing" mentality...but...a triathlon requires a lot of training. My concert doesn't.

LOL  I was at a Guns N' Roses concert in St. Louis many years ago when Axel dove into the crowd to get a camera and touched off a full blown riot.  Granted, I was part of about 200 cops who formed a riot squad and fought to get control of the complex back......but yeah, it was a hell of a time!!!

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy

Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy

Originally posted by switch

Originally posted by EV3110

Originally posted by switch

Originally posted by EV3110 You're all so sweet. Thanks for the responses and helping me realize that I am not the only one. That's all I really need to hear because sometimes it seems like I am one in a million with this issue (mostly on race day). I did mean it sincerely when I said "it is what it is". I don't hold a grudge. Yes, it sucks and it's really something that I will never quite understand but we don't have marital problems over the issue. I don't expect him to go to every race or ask about training all the time. So it is what it is and that is ok. Lately I've been thinking about doing more destination races. Not just a drive away but heading to another state or country for a HIM. These destination races/family vacation is still not of interest to him! Trust me, we've discussed it, he's not a traveler and I'm not going to beg. So I wonder sometimes do I sign up for a destination race that's on my bucket-list and GO FOR IT solo.. or continue with the local tri's and and have regrets later (I am getting old and may not have the body to do this in a few years! ) about not doing the races that I REALLY want to do because the family wont be there? Thanks all!

This!!!

Make a list of the races you want to do anywhere you want to do them and DO THEM!  I can't imagine regretting that

 

Have to right?!!

Seriously.  Enjoy the stuff you guys like to do together, and enjoy the stuff you don't.  In a lot of ways I think you've got a dream scenario!  I can hardly wait to see your race list

  I'm seeing Guns N' Roses for the 7th time in May...and my wife just isn't a concert-goer (and we don't use baby-sitters) so she's not going. Is that a special outing for me? Hell yeah! So yes, I understand the "do your own thing" mentality...but...a triathlon requires a lot of training. My concert doesn't.

LOL  I was at a Guns N' Roses concert in St. Louis many years ago when Axel dove into the crowd to get a camera and touched off a full blown riot.  Granted, I was part of about 200 cops who formed a riot squad and fought to get control of the complex back......but yeah, it was a hell of a time!!!

You lucky dog! That was an epic riot. Quite a memorable moment in GNR history. "Well, thanks to the lame a$$ security, I'm goin' home." (throws mic down on stage and exits stage right...of course this was after he stage dove onto some guy in the crowd and punched him in the face)

It was crazy.  I was one of the first 50 or so to respond and we took some pretty good licks from that drunken mob....a couple of broken bones, quite a few stiches, etc......but once we got enough guys and some k-9 teams and tear gas, we made up ground pretty quick.  I can tell you this, when the smoke cleared after a 2-3 hour fight, the only folks left on the parking lot were us......and the beer flowed pretty good.  

I don't know much about GNR lore, but for those of us who were there on the other side, it's "quite a memorable moment" as well. LOL

Eh...I know you're not, sorry if I came off too pizzy....not intended.  I think I was channeling my wife, who rains hell on anyone who thinks triathlon is "all that".

For some reason I was expecting a tie-in to the Steak and BJ Day thread...

I hope it's at least 18.

Okay I will jump in with CD and say that it does sound at least somewhat important to the OP for her spouse to care about tri. If it is important for OP for their spouse to be at least a little involved then it should be important to the OP's spouse as well.

No I don't think a spouse should be obligated to attend every 5k and sprint tri, especially if someone does a lot of racing. But for a big A race, I don't think it is completely unreasonable for someone to wish their spouse cared a little. 

I have my first IM this year and my wife is very involved, from the decision to sign up for the race to asking me how my long ride was, to making dinner on the nights I get home late from the pool, she has been very supportive. I tell her all the time that she does not need to worry about me and my race, that I know an IM try is inherently selfish and that I appreciate her patience, she still chooses to be involved. 

I plan on getting into some bike racing later in the season, I do not expect her to attend those and it is possible she may not (will be her choice), I'll just go with my riding buddies and have fun. But those are small, unimportant races that I have not put a ton of effort, time and work into. 

Would I be offended if she was not interested in my IM? No, I know it is boring as he*l. Am I happy that she chooses to be involved and asks me about it? Heck yeah! 

My wife is into bikini body building, I hate it. I hate lifting weights, I hate the meatheads at the gym, I hate going to the shows and watching starved people prance around in thongs covered in spray tan. But she enjoys it so I took a year off to lift with her to get her started, we put money into the things she needed to get started and I attended her show and was enthusiastic as possible. I know she appreciated it so I did it.

Anyway, everyone is different, but it sounds like OP would really appreciate a little more involvement from her spouse, he should recognize that and put in a bit of effort IMO.

I did mean it sincerely when I said "it is what it is". I don't hold a grudge. Yes, it sucks and it's really something that I will never quite understand but we don't have marital problems over the issue.

She can't control his feelings or actions, she can only control her own.  You can't make somebody be interested in your stuff.  You can't make them ask about your training.  Well, I suppose you could try, but then it's kind of an obligatory thing and I don't ever see how that's satisfying.  When I have been in relationships/friendships like that, I'll try to have a discussion about it and express that it doesn't feel good or point out once or twice when I feel like it's really one-sided, but after that, you either accept that it "is what it is" and compartmentalize that part of your friendship/relationship, or you say: Screw it.  This person doesn't care enough to ask about me and my stuff and you bail.  It sounds like Elana's marriage is good-to-go for her and the only person she can control is her.

Very much agree. Definitely can't control how other people act and if you try you are bound to be unhappy with the results. Just wanted to throw the OP a little empathy in that I understand where she is coming from, it makes sense. Likely nothing can be done about it, but I would guess that was not the intent of the OP anyway, more of a little vent session with people who would understand. 

It may be worth one discussion between the OP and spouse, just so he knows exactly how she feels about it and can make the conscious choice on how he is going to react going forward. OP may even discover a reason behind the seeming lack of interest. There have been more than a couple threads here where a spouse feels threatened by the triathlete spouse being successful, feeling good and looking good. 

Anyway, good luck OP. And yeah, do the destination races. Have a frank discussion about your desire to do the races, invite your spouse to be involved, then do it regardless. Hope you find a group to hang with too. I have just recently become involved with some local cycling buddies and it makes this whole dumb tri thing a lot more fun!

Better that way than eating triathletes if the economy goes south.  There's much more meat on horses.