Dads and Daughters...Help! (Page 2)

A quick story, from before I had my two girls, actually.

I was the Sports Director at a YMCA when I was younger. I was in charge of the Bitty Ball Program, which is basketball for preschoolers. There was one girl in the program, Lauren, who was HORRIBLE...and I mean horrible at basketball. She tried so hard, but she just didn't have the skills. I spent every single practice telling her how awesome she was doing, how great she was, how hard she tried.  I encouraged her like crazy.

On the last day, her mother came to me to thank me for all I did for Lauren. I guess Lauren had gone home after the last practice and told her mom, "Mom, that lady thinks I'm the best one there!"  

That was worth more than any basket, or skill she learned...that she began to believe that she WAS the best one.  Keep telling your daughter how beautiful she is. Tell her why she's beautiful and special. Give her specific examples of why...such as, "You were so smart the other day when you figured out how to do that puzzle." Or I think you are beautiful because of how your smile lights up your face and shows me how happy your heart is", or "Your glasses make your eyes twinkle...it makes others wonder what wonderful things are running through your head." or "I just love your hair, it reminds me of your mommy's".  Give her REASONS why she's amazing, and she'll start to believe it!

 Your a good daddy, RGRBILL!

Melanie 

Your dad and mine sound similar. Green-beret turned Border Patrol agent with two daughters. I think he wanted a son, but struck out, so he just raised his girls (me especially, since after me it was apparent that two girls was all he was getting) like boys. Being tough was accentuated quite often. I'm all the better for it.

blackbettybambalam - 2006-02-22 9:10 AM RGRBILL you did the right thing. I have always thought that the fact that my dad, a war-veteran he-man like yourself, having three daughters was PROOF that god has a sense of humor. It's like he looked down from his silver cloud and said, "Hey He-man, deal with this!" My dad raised my sisters and I like boys; we all played sports, he even took us hunting with him. I wish my dad had been able to say to me all the nice things he could say to others about his girls-I do remember his frustration when we were all teenagers and he just couldn't deal. The best thing he ever said to me was when I was 12 and had a fight with my friends at school. He told me not to follow my friends if I didn't agree with them, that I was smart and a leader and I could do anything I set my mind to. His encouragement was the first step to me believing in myself at that young age. You can't escape the pressures you daughter will feel about her appearance. But you can be the guy that reminds her that she has brains and skills too-total package

I agree. I tell my nieces and nephews all the time that they are SPECIAL. Regardless of looks or brains, feeling Special is where it's at.

As long as you're not talking short bus special... 

The "smart" girl thing is actually something you will have to face probably more in middle school than elementary.  One of the things that took me by surprise was that, even today in post-feminism America, that smart girls have a hard time fitting in and being comfortable with their ability.   Some of them even shut it down in middle school.  You need to be ahead of the curve on this one.   Taking notice of what they accomplished is so important.  Let them know you are proud of the work they did.  Tell them that reading is cool.  Read to them and read yourself.  Make sure your daughters know some women doctors and ministers and especially women engineers.   Make sure they know that there is a payoff for developing their "smarts".  Make sure they know you like talking about their ideas.   This is not something you can approach head on, with Yay All A's cause what if they don't get all A's.  It's like curling.  You have to sweep in front of them to keep them going through this part of their lives. 

 Yes, I think smart daughters are just about the coolest thing ever.  

TW

My parenting experience is only with girls but smart boys face obstacles too. 

But there is a difference somehow in the way girls are boys deal with the fitting in thing in middle school.  "Smart" seems a special stigma for girls to overcome at that crucial stage of development, particularly with their female classmates.  My wife taught middle school and high school.  Smart girls really had it rough.

The smart female types here may be able to elucidate the differences even more.

TW

Growing up, going to school, I did not feel any stigmatism attached to being intelligent or getting good grades in school. I come from a family of smarts-elitists (not bragging about it) and getting good grades was a competitive matter. The worst thing you could call a sibling or classmate was stupid. College was never an option - it was pre-ordained that we were going. My father constantly stressed the importance of education. Being smart was a source of pride (I now recognize it as a matter of birth luck).

My father told us we could participate in any sport but never never never cheerleading. He didn't consider it a sport and wanted us to be cheered on, not to cheer for others.

This story illustrates just how BIG - IMPORTANT - CRITICAL a father's approval is to his daughter.

My niece was about 3 years old, eating an ice cream cone. The ice cream fell off the cone and fell onto the couch. Her father chastised her. In tears, she turned to her MOTHER and hit her MOTHER. She was disappointed in herself for disappointing her father, so she hit her MOTHER, not wanting to upset her father who had upset her.

Fathers, the love and approval you give your daughters will stay with them FOREVER. They will measure every man they meet against you. What you teach them of love is what they will look for in a mate. Teach them well. (No pressure.)

Yeah. No pressure. There is one thing I'm really happy about. As much as I love training, the best thing about it is she's already got an interest in staying fit and healthy. She's dying to be 7 so she can race! At dinner Monday night she rattled off a whole list of foods you should only eat in moderation because they aren't good for you. It's like she has a little tape recorder in her head and she repeats things I've said in the past.  She doesn't miss much. That's one of the reasons I'm so conscious of what I say and how I say it. As much as she remembers, she also takes everything to heart.

On our drives home from school, Lauren and I have had quite a few conversations about dating. Just before Valentines day she asked how old she has to be before she can date. I told her 33. She thought about it for a while then suggested 25. I relunctantly agreed to 25. The rest of the car ride home she couldn't wipe that silly grin off of her face as she KNEW she had negotiated a good deal.

On Valentine's day she asked what qualities she should look for in her future husband. She got out a little pad of paper and a pen and was waiting for a reply.

(Me) "# 1. He needs a job"
(Lauren) scribble, scribble, scribble "OK"
(Me) "# 2. He needs to make you happy"
(Lauren) scribble, scribble, scribble "OK"
(Me) "That's it"
(Lauren) "That's it?"....silence..."How about, at least 13 years old?"
(Me) "Well, if you are 25 before you start dating, then 13 is a bit young don't you think?"
(Lauren) Giggle

My coworkers wonder why I have a head full of grey hairs

If she thinks it bothers you, it will bother her.  Tell her "I'm your dad, I love you and I'm the toughest guy you know....so if I say you're beautiful...you are."  And she is....I saw your album. 

My Sophie is having a hard time academically...yeah, she's 5.  Big pressure in KG these days....but I have convinced her that she is the best artist, the best singer and the most giving child on the planet....and she is. She would give her last M&M to her worst enemy.  Just remember, you are more of an influence to her at this age than her peers.....that comes later.  But as of today, she believes YOU. Good luck, it's a jungle out there.

That memory is a "keeper"!