Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... (Page 3)

KeriKadi - 2010-10-01 11:13 AM  

My guess is something is missing and triathlon is the scapegoat.

Goosedog - 2010-10-01 2:14 PM

. . . or she could have just had a bad day.

tracyhmcd - 2010-10-01 2:10 PM

Now, we're 28 & 29 yrs old, no kids, and both work between 60-70 hours a week. 

There are companies that do not make you work 60-70 hours and actually encourage a 40 hour week.  In the long run there are other career options - lotsa companies in Houston would love your skills and not make you go away for 2+ months.  That might go a long way toward helping.  If I worked that much I wouldn't have the energy to train for anything...

AndrewMT - 2010-10-01 1:57 PM

Once again, thanks for the comments.  I've got another meeting in a few, but a few quick responses:

- Of course triathlon isn't the root of the issue here.  The root of the problem stems from busy lives and associated free time.  This is something everybody faces to one degree or another. 

- We do need to work on quality time together, there's no doubt about that.  I just dont' see the time I/we spend working out as an impediment to that. 

- For those who asked, my work situation is unchanged.  I'm back from Japan(after 2 months) and shouldn't be traveling anytime for the next month or two.  I interviewed with another company and was offered a very good job for the same pay, but she wasn't comfortable with making the change, so I turned it down.  FWIW, her work hours have been much worse than mine, so she's stressed.

- Put me in the category of most guys who cringe at the thought of counseling.  Honestly I don't think our marriage is having problems that require counseling, I just think we're frustrated with the rut that our lives/schedules are in, not so much with our relationship with each other.  (then again, I could be the stereotypical blind man...)  To reiterate, unless I'm completely missing everything, our marriage is not in trouble. 

- We both work for the same employer, so unfortunately even when we're home, work tends to creep into conversation. 

- Vacation planning is in the works! 

- I'm frustrated because my training has been coming along well, my motivation is high and I think I'm set for some great PRs in the upcoming events.  Of course, none of this is nearly as important as my marriage.

- Finally, we're both incredibly fatigued and just don't seem to have the energy to do much else outside of work despite sleeping ~8hrs a night.  The working out just seems to exacerbate that.

(Honestly, I hate airing these types of things with public forums, but I like having a sounding board.  Thanks for the comments)

AndrewMT - 2010-10-01 2:09 PM

I'm keeping my eyes open.  The (sort of) good news is that Calgary is one of the possibilites for location that we might move to for a few years.  It's certainly higher on my list than Tokyo!

NXS - 2010-10-01 5:21 PM

You would do better having this conversation with your wife than with those of us on COJ.  I imagine she would be disappointed to know that you aired this (a private ?) matter on an internet forum. 

tracyhmcd - 2010-10-01 6:22 PM

Where I work, no one goes to Japan; sometimes there are short visits to Houston.  40 hour weeks are fairly standard.  I'll keep my eyes open!!

PS - after the coldest summer ever, it is actually quite warm here right now!

jdwright56 - 2010-10-01 5:38 PM Andrew - I don't know much about your job situation (I must have missed those threads) but you said that you were offered a different job with the same pay and your wife didn't want you to take it.  Why?

Did it involve a relocation that she was not up for?

Is it becasue she would still be working the same hours?  Would there be a reduction in your hours? 

I mean, if you have a reduced workload and she does not, then you could get your workouts in while she was not yet home and by the time she got home, you could be ready to apply that time to spending quality moments together. 

My wife and I have a rule.  30 minutes to talk about work.  That's it.  Me talking about my work or her talking about hers is not a way to enjoy each others company.  It is most likely a rant session, which is what your friends are for (or your CoJ). 

My wife is also a member of the Board of Directors for our charity.  We reserve one hour per week to discuss foundation business outside of Board meetings.  Otherwise it would dominate our time. 

Anyway - I agree with the others that it is time for a sit down and a discussion about issues and expectations from the marriage. 

I am very confused as to why she didn't want you to take a different job, however. 

AndrewMT - 2010-10-01 10:50 PM

Unofficially, I think it was because the new job, which technically a promotion and have better hours, would leave her in the current company by herself.  Why should I escape when she's stuck working 70hr weeks?

AndrewMT - 2010-10-02 12:41 PM Well, we found a good solution at least for today.  She went off and spent the morning at the spa/salon while I went out for a quick 40 mile ride!

AndrewMT - 2010-10-02 12:41 PM Well, we found a good solution at least for today.  She went off and spent the morning at the spa/salon while I went out for a quick 40 mile ride!

wildred - 2010-10-02 7:16 PM

But that's not time spent together???

TriToy - 2010-10-02 7:46 PM ok maybe I am missing something, but why is it you who has to do all the giving?  Turning down a job opportunity and now giving up the sport she got you into.

Especially since you do not have kids, I would NOT give up triathlon if that is keeping you sane.  If she wants to that is her issue but a relationship is not about giving up the things you love. 

So I disagree with all those who say relationship first.  You do not have children.  If the person you are with, and have been with ergo they know this is your thing is now saying you or the sport personally I would choose sport -

SWIM2LIVE - 2010-10-02 9:14 PM Wife and I have  been married for 26 years last July, and we have been thru the proverbial "good times and bad times". 

We were married in our early 30's which meant that we were independent adults and married because we wanted to, not needed to.

One of the things that attracted me to her was her ability to be independent.  We go to the gym and work out together, but she doesn't swim, run, or bike.  I bought a tandem so we could bike together, but it hurts her back, so I bought her a little 3 wheel recumbent (she is only 4' 11"), but she still is a little jealous of my traing and racing time.

She has her special things to do, I have mine, and we have some together,  but for her to tell me to stop my fun interests would not happen.

In our house I wear the pants !!! (and she said I could)

Renee - 2010-10-02 1:19 AM

Because you can. Why should BOTH of you have to suffer?

And because it means you won't have to be out of the country/isolated from your wife for long periods of time.

If your wife has some idea that we should all suck it up and deal with ridiculous work hours, that's fine. She can knock herself out working the hours. Why, though, does she get to impose her work ethic on you? Are you not entitled to your own work ethic?

AndrewMT - 2010-10-02 10:37 PM

My rational side agrees with you, but neither marriage nor women are rational.  If she's overly stressed, I don't mind sacrifcing in order to alleviate some of that stress.  If at some point the situation is reversed, I would hope she's understanding and patient with me.