Team Post Padding (Four-Is-More Challenge) (Page 34)

i just read something outrageously funny though, and if i can find it again (it's just one of those things that floats around on the internet, i have no idea if it's true or not, but i don't care, it's dang hilarious) i'll copy and paste it on here for ya.

  Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his 
  lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.          
                                                                            
  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked   
  my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for  
  a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a      
  100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were     
  supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your      
  assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??          
                                                                            
  'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. 
                                                                            
  I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.       
  Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the     
  button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get   
  the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.    
                                                                            
  AWESOME!!!                                                                
                                                                            
  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on   
  the face of her microwave.                                                
                                                                            
  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it   
  couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?         
                                                                            
  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting   
  little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I       
  really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.     
                                                                            
  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)  
  and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to 
  give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did     
  want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?         
                                                                            
  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading        
  glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one    
  hand, and taser in another.                                               
                                                                            
  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient     
  your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms    
  and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would            
  purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of     
  water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the           
  batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring   
  about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really    
  and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,  
  "no possible way!"                                                        
                                                                            
  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?  
  ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one  
  side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst  
  from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided   
  to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the      
  prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .                     
                                                                            
  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!                          
                                                                            
  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up 
  in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over  
  and over again.                                                           
                                                                            
  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears   
  in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to  
  be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,   
  and tingling in my legs?                                                  
                                                                            
  The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard      
  before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,   
  stupid, do it again!"                                                     
                                                                            
  Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note 
  of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap     
  yourself!                                                                 
                                                                            
  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by 
  a violent thrashing about on the floor.                                   
                                                                            
  A three-second burst would be considered conservative?                    
                                                                            
  SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be      
  sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits    
  (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent      
  reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up  
  there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.   
  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip    
  weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a        
  significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!