Am I being unreasonable? (Page 4)

I haven't read this whole thread, but I've seen that you've gotten the full spectrum of advice. Here's a practical thing you could try.

1) preferably, have training partner with a gf or husband

2) invite them over for dinner, and let the guys bond.

My guess is that the problem may not be that he doens't trust you... might just be that he doesn't trust him.

You missed the part about the communication.  We discuss our concerns.  Not just the SO's.  And it should not matter if the person's TP is male or female.  If you have a problem with them training period, that's another matter.  If you have a problem with your insecurity, that needs to be discussed by both partners in the relationship. 

So it's ok to "spend a lot of time with the opposite sex" if you're solving world peace but not if you're building your body and being healthy while enjoying a pastime that will most likely make you a better person overall (mentally, spiritually, physically).  I would say one is more achievable than the other.

You make a FINE point!

So sorry you are having issues.  You should be able to train by yourself.  During a race, you need to be comfortable with your own abilities.

I'm lucky to be able to train with my husband most of the time.  Both of us do on occasion find other people to train with, however, it is usually with a group rather than with one person of the opposite sex.  That is just the polite thing to do for your partner.

What would you say if your husband had a female friend that he described himself as being "lost" without?  Sorry that the majority of people appall you. 

Okay, airing out some of my dirty laundry from my past ....... I'll come at this from a different angle that people mentioned .........

I WAS that "training partner" back in the mid 90's as a single guy working in a bike shop and training all the time.  I rode almost daily with a married mother of 4 and went back to her house (with the kids there) and would hang out before going to work.

It took almost no time at all before this training parntership turned into romantic interest.  And while she never cheated on her husband (much to my testosterone laden 24 year old's dismay) there was physical contact that could have easily led to divorce.  It was also a mutual thing and not one-sided.  So it does happen, and there is a high possibility that things can develop regardless of how much you trust your partner.

As for the initial post where you feel lost without the riding buddy?  Then you said it was only one or two shorter interval sessions?  I would think that would be easy to compensate for and as I offered before, not pushing yourself on a training session is a mental thing.  The other person is not riding the interval for you.

I wish you best of luck in this.  Hopefully it will all work out.

That's not what she said. She said there was an appalling amount of insecurity.

**Opus: Defender of nuance.**

My thoughts exactly.

Insecurity/fear is natural.  I know people who won't swim in the ocean because of sharks.  Meanwhile, I want sharks to be on every dive I go on.  One story or a couple of stories of shark attacks scared the persons I know from swimming.  Maybe one story or multiple stories of cheating have scared aquagirl's husband.  It is understandable.

As I get older, cheating scenarios don't surprise me anymore.  From the husband who slept with someone the day before his wife gave birth, to the grieving widow who slept with the married best friend of her dead husband, who's (the married man) 2 month old child is named after the deceased.  Given motive, opportunity, and the right set of circumstances, I firmly believe most people will cheat, no matter what they say publicly.  That's not being cynical; that's being a realist, unless I just happen to be uniquely surrounded with a bunch of sex-addicts.  If so, I'm upset no one is hitting on me.  *kidding*    My wife gave me the best line, when "looking elsewhere":  "You can always look at the menu, as long as you come home for dinner."

No, that's not my job. That's the job (currently vacant) of DoTC (Defender of Topical Continuity). There are also openings for the following roles:

- PoHF (Preventer of Hurt Feelings)

- AoAHA (Avoider of Ad Hominem Attacks)

- MOMiP (Minister of Misinterpreted Posts)

- DoDoOPI (Dean of the Department of Overly Personal Interpretations)

The role of OoCBSD (Officer of CryBaby SmackDowns) is currently being held by the Bear, although sometimes I think his role of moderator is preventing him from doing his real job.

I think we need to fill the role of DoDoOPI the fastest, because that role will reduce the workloads of all of the others.

Have they met?

Because the mind embellishes (probably why every blind date is bound to be a disappointment).  Once he sees that the guy is just another dude with flaws and gas who is probably (lets be honest) not exactly looking his best around you, it will probably change his perception. 

Okay, this is getting out of hand.

Just have sex with the guy, have your husband have sex with your training partner's wife/girlfriend (or both), and be done with it already...

Maybe I'm not getting it. Did this woman cheat on her husband with other men, her friends knew about it, and were assuming you were just another in a series of affairs? Did this woman make unwanted advances toward you?

I had a similar situation before I was married. I skied almost every weekend with a group and often with one woman in particular. We skied as friends for several years. We shared a room on several occasions. There was never any kind of romantic involvement. Other people may have assumed we were a couple, but we never were. We are still friends to this day but no longer ski together because she moved. She is now married as am I and neither of our spouses would have any problem if we spent a day together.

I've also remained friends with some of my ex-girlfriends. My wife knows about them and we have even done some activities together. I have absolutely no interest in being anything other than platonic friends with any of them - they are exes for a reason. If any of them have feelings for me that's beyond my control, but it's not anything I encourage. I also don't spend much time with any of them - maybe an email or call once every few months or so at the most and an in person visit every couple of years.

As a stay at home dad I also have friendships with some of our sons friend's mothers, mostly because they are the ones I see the most. Nothing going on with any of them either, nor will there ever be as far as I'm concerned.

If you can't trust yourself to be alone with another woman that says more about you than it does about the woman.

The OP doesn't really NEED to train with this guy, but her husband also doesn't seem to have any real reason for not letting her unless something has transpired that has not been mentioned.

I don't think you missed anything substantive in the 4 pages.  I agree with you on the idea of boundaries and balance.  I think there have definitely been times when someone in my family has needed to take an inordinate share of time (sometimes me, sometimes mrs gearboy), but in the end, it all seems to balance out.  I think the where your family is in the circle of life makes a difference, too.  Right now, my oldest is in colege, and my youngest drives (scary!), so if my wife said she wanted to train for an IM, I'd ask to join her.  Neither of us at this point needs to be around the house to care for the kids all the time, as the one remaining at home is pretty self-suffiencent and trustworthy (no wild parties). I think if we had a little one to monitor, it would be different.

Of course, if one partner announces a big goal event, like an IM, they might get to claim more time in exchange for a later trade off.  But that would absolutely need to be worked out ahead of time (and I think somewhat off the OP topic). Discussion between OP and SO is needed; and I still stand by the belief (until shown otherwise) that this is just the "lightning rod" issue about control and security within the relationship for both of them.