Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 2.0 (Page 61)

Over here I am not sure when is appropriate to have the "exclusive" conversation. I've (felt like I) forced it before on guys and always got the vibe they were reluctant to concede. So I'm not doing that this time around, but it's obvious that's the direction we're going.

I was on his phone Saturday night looking at some photos we'd taken when a girl texted him. I ended up seeing the string of texts trying to get out of the menu on his phone and it upset me, surprised me. He'd been dropping subtle questions week after week trying to see if I was dating anyone else and last week I told him I wasn't - and that I'd de-activated my dating profiles. Seems like a logical step. So I was surprised to see/hear he was still talking to not one, but two other women. 

After talking about it he made it clear he didn't want to see anyone but me (and was going to promptly tell the two women he wasn't going to talk anymore) - but didn't come out and say "exclusive" or anything. Like I said before, I've learned my lesson pressing that issue. So I'm not sure where we are. And that's okay, it's still new-ish.

Anyway, just re-capping since I haven't contributed much here lately.

Asking outright is great in theory.  Ufortunately, in practice, the fact is that some people do get freaked out if they think someone is getting too attached too quickly.  And kinda like "enhanced interrogation techniques," putting someone on the spot might not always get you an honest answer.  They may agree just because they want to keep getting to know you and are afraid you'll flee if they don't reciprocate.  That would give you a false indication of how they are feeling about the relationship.  And I know I've ended things because I thought the girl was getting more wrapped up than I was comfortable with and able to reciprocate...I'd rather end it sooner than hurt her more later.  Even if, at least in one case, I just needed more time.

Asking outright is great in theory.  Ufortunately, in practice, the fact is that some people do get freaked out if they think someone is getting too attached too quickly.  And kinda like "enhanced interrogation techniques," putting someone on the spot might not always get you an honest answer.  They may agree just because they want to keep getting to know you and are afraid you'll flee if they don't reciprocate.  That would give you a false indication of how they are feeling about the relationship.  And I know I've ended things because I thought the girl was getting more wrapped up than I was comfortable with and able to reciprocate...I'd rather end it sooner than hurt her more later.  Even if, at least in one case, I just needed more time.

Here's the scenario:

You've been dating someone for a couple of weeks and things are going well.  Say I do what you say, and the girl gets freaked out by it and leaves.  Now I've gone from a steady dating relationship to nothing.  How is that a win?

The thing that helped me the most was to not focus on putting a label on dating.  If the girl wants to call it a relationship, fine.  However, I'm not going to risk spoiling a good thing for the sake of calling us "exclusive" earlier than she wants us to.

DeannaS - 2013-04-02 8:51 AM ***Pounds head on wall****** Just _ask_ people! Seriously, if someone gets freaked out that you'd ask, you don't want to be with them anyway.

Communicating *NEVER* works in a relationship.

Big Appa - 2013-04-02 6:57 AM I think we are proving why a lot of us are single

Ha! True. I've made all the mistakes one could make.  Too much over thinking .. . not enough action or taking chances, too much fear of other's responses!  Or worse, waiting on the guy to make the decision of when he is ready for what I wanted instead of just saying what I wanted or walking away when they didn't want the same.

Dating should be fun!  Being in a relationship should make you feel wonderful never doubtful!  I am now of the camp to agree that having no relationship, or being single is a billion times better than being in "something" that is confusing or going nowhere and wondering if it's going to go somewhere. Or being with someone that is worried or scared to make a move or communicate their wants, wishes, feelings ... or gets freaked out if I do! 

Relax.  Enjoy.  Communicate.  Laugh.  Love!

Muskrat37 - 2013-04-02 8:23 AM

Teejaay - 2013-04-02 8:06 AM

Big Appa - 2013-04-02 6:57 AM I think we are proving why a lot of us are single

Ha! True. I've made all the mistakes one could make.  Too much over thinking .. . not enough action or taking chances, too much fear of other's responses!  Or worse, waiting on the guy to make the decision of when he is ready for what I wanted instead of just saying what I wanted or walking away when they didn't want the same.

Dating should be fun!  Being in a relationship should make you feel wonderful never doubtful!  I am now of the camp to agree that having no relationship, or being single is a billion times better than being in "something" that is confusing or going nowhere and wondering if it's going to go somewhere. Or being with someone that is worried or scared to make a move or communicate their wants, wishes, feelings ... or gets freaked out if I do! 

Relax.  Enjoy.  Communicate.  Laugh.  Love!

Love it... until the "Love" part... now you are getting waaaaayyyy to serious!  

Ahem ... the "love" part can mean something else ya know!  One can show "love" in many ways!

Here's the scenario:

You've been dating someone for a couple of weeks and things are going well.  Say I do what you say, and the girl gets freaked out by it and leaves.  Now I've gone from a steady dating relationship to nothing.  How is that a win?

The thing that helped me the most was to not focus on putting a label on dating.  If the girl wants to call it a relationship, fine.  However, I'm not going to risk spoiling a good thing for the sake of calling us "exclusive" earlier than she wants us to.

turtlegirl - 2013-04-01 2:34 PM Wow, lots of people off the market good job! Im giving a different guy a chave Thursday. He better tip well!

Good luck!  I dumped a chick after a couple weeks for being a bad tipper. 

Zero2Athlete - 2013-04-02 8:42 AM

turtlegirl - 2013-04-01 2:34 PM Wow, lots of people off the market good job! Im giving a different guy a chave Thursday. He better tip well!

Good luck!  I dumped a chick after a couple weeks for being a bad tipper. 

Same here!  I mean I understood her point about those girls smelling of baby oil and cigarette smoke but if she is going to grind your lap, give her a few bucks.  Oh.. and if your profile says you like a man to take charge and pick where we go, don't start complaining as soon as we park the car.

Girlfriend and I are taking things really slow, which is great.  We're talking a ton (about real things, not just superficial stuff) and for the first time I feel I can see clearly into the future, rather than just a few feet ahead..  We're both pretty churchy and it's good that our beliefs align...like to the letter....  We even decided to try a new church together and we liked it tons better than where we were before..

What's difficult is that it's hard to be in an adult relationship and really count on each other for feelings and stuff...  We both are so used to being our own autonomous selves that it's a bit of a struggle for both of us to really relinquish some control..  It doesn't help that we both have demanding jobs where we have to be in control most of the time.  I've caught myself being childish a few times when I don't get my way..  She's been childish sometimes too.  And while we haven't really gotten mad at each other (at least not that I know of and at this point), we've been talking through some areas where things are important to us and where compromises need to be made..  Most importantly, she challenges me, to continue to grow in many ways and to be the best man possible.  I think she feels challenged (in a good way) too...

I've gone through the relationship motions before (even lived with the wrong woman for almost 4 years)...  I've always held back a little bit of myself (sometimes a lot of myself) and never really fully allowed myself to be vulnerable with a woman before...  Always kind of looking for that "out," I guess..  But, this time I am vulnerable, which is kind of scary.  I am happy.  

And I'll be sure to let y'all know when it all comes crashing to the ground in pure craptastic form!

Girlfriend and I are taking things really slow, which is great.  We're talking a ton (about real things, not just superficial stuff) and for the first time I feel I can see clearly into the future, rather than just a few feet ahead..  We're both pretty churchy and it's good that our beliefs align...like to the letter....  We even decided to try a new church together and we liked it tons better than where we were before..

What's difficult is that it's hard to be in an adult relationship and really count on each other for feelings and stuff...  We both are so used to being our own autonomous selves that it's a bit of a struggle for both of us to really relinquish some control..  It doesn't help that we both have demanding jobs where we have to be in control most of the time.  I've caught myself being childish a few times when I don't get my way..  She's been childish sometimes too.  And while we haven't really gotten mad at each other (at least not that I know of and at this point), we've been talking through some areas where things are important to us and where compromises need to be made..  Most importantly, she challenges me, to continue to grow in many ways and to be the best man possible.  I think she feels challenged (in a good way) too...

I've gone through the relationship motions before (even lived with the wrong woman for almost 4 years)...  I've always held back a little bit of myself (sometimes a lot of myself) and never really fully allowed myself to be vulnerable with a woman before...  Always kind of looking for that "out," I guess..  But, this time I am vulnerable, which is kind of scary.  I am happy.  

And I'll be sure to let y'all know when it all comes crashing to the ground in pure craptastic form!