Mad Manatee Mentors 2013: CLOSED (exc/ Pop Tart bribes) (Page 88)

I have a little rant, mostly about myself. I am mad at me.

I am trying, honest I am, really trying to turn this whole trainer thing into a positive.  I still feel humiliated and like it was my fault.  I keep telling myself that I am the customer and part of me wants to be really mad.  I have looked back at all of the things that he did not do for me. He would only correct my form if I would ask.  He would only give me heavier weights if I asked.  He never talked to me about my goals of training.  He would talk to me about what his plan was for the day, if I asked,  but never a goal, never a focus, never a measure of progress.  There were so many things that I should have demanded.  I liked him as a person.  I had fun and never felt like I had to push myself or work hard around him.  Now I am kicking myself for wasting all that money. 

I should've had a clear goal for myself.  I should've demanded that he push me.  There are so many should have's.  What I shouldn't have done is been a friend to this a$$hole.  I shouldn't have listened to his stories about his boyfriend, or his kitchen remodel, or his reasons for dropping out of his triathlon training group (he was mad at another trainer).  I should've seen what kind of person he was.  I should've demanded a trainer that could be professional.   This has been such a learning lesson but I am more mad at myself than I am at him.  I should've thought more about myself and my goals.   I have to learn how to be selfish about my goals.  I never think I am good enough and by not working hard, I can keep coming up with an excuse as to why I don't progress.  This trainer was a total enabler and fed my low self esteem.  He enabled me to pretend I was working without really working.  I am totally mad at myself. 

No MORE!!  I am worth more.   I am worth hard work and someone who supports that, starting with myself.  Every day I am going to tell my self that I am worth this run, this bike, this swim.  I deserve it.  I deserve to give myself the gift of a goal and work towards it.  I am worthy of a goal. I am worthy of giving 100% to myself. 

I am going to start setting weekly goals in my log.  I will accomplish these goals.  I will measure progress.  I will demand more of me.  

I have let this get in my head all weekend.  Enough is enough.  Time to move on, learn and grow.   

Thank you for listening.  Head is clearer.  So happy I have a pod to help me process through this.  {{{MELONPRESSES}}}, and they are big melons, to everyone!!!   Thank you all!!!   I am making a promise to myself and you all to set goals and put the work in.  Enough whining.  Relentless forward progress!

I am this person!  If a relationship - professional or personal fails for whatever reason, I will feel like this.  It's tough to deal with I know and I empathise.

Talking it through with yourself each day helps, logically you know it's not you.

Think of the positives you did get out of the relationship and the training.  I'm sure it wasn't wasted at all.

Us Manatees are certainly here for you albeit virtually.

Keep your chin up, self esteem is a tricky thing to manage - we all have those days where we don't feel worth much.  I go through that at least daily!

Anyway - you are not in the wrong, but you're right to analyse and work through what happened because if there are things you wish you'd done differently it's good to identify them and not make the same 'mistakes' again.

my 0.02

No race report to report.  I didn't run.     I introduced Sarah to sailing this weekend and she took to it like a duck to water.  She wanted to go again today and the forecast was for wind.    I will only have Sarah with me for a year, two at most.     It was a no-brainer.  Will continue to train but but will not race any until October.  Time with my niece will supersede racing.  There will always be races to do in the future.  My quality time with my niece is most likely finite.    

Just sayin'.   

Oh, yeah. One example: My dissertation director was late getting feedback to me on something I'd written. I was so upset. I took it personally. We didn't have a completely appropriate relationship (ahem), so I fell apart in his office, berating myself and how he didn't really care about me after all, blah, blah, blah. And he looked at me and said, "Did it ever occur to you that I was just being incompetent." OMG It was like he slapped me. I just sat there stunned and said, "No. That would never occur to me." It was a revelation. It had never occurred to me, in my whole life, that when someone didn't fulfill a promise or obligation that the problem wasn't somehow my fault. I don't know where we pick that up, but it is really hard to get rid of it, that way of thinking, that is.

Such a great day! My son turned six and we let him choose what to do....sooooo, we rented a pontoon boat for a couple of hours and played at the water park. Ended with him choosing "sushi" for bday dinner...cucumber rolls. LOL

I'm still getting to my jogo...eeeek!

I don't sew...anything.

I don't sew...anything.

I have a little rant, mostly about myself. I am mad at me.

I am trying, honest I am, really trying to turn this whole trainer thing into a positive.  I still feel humiliated and like it was my fault.  I keep telling myself that I am the customer and part of me wants to be really mad.  I have looked back at all of the things that he did not do for me. He would only correct my form if I would ask.  He would only give me heavier weights if I asked.  He never talked to me about my goals of training.  He would talk to me about what his plan was for the day, if I asked,  but never a goal, never a focus, never a measure of progress.  There were so many things that I should have demanded.  I liked him as a person.  I had fun and never felt like I had to push myself or work hard around him.  Now I am kicking myself for wasting all that money. 

I should've had a clear goal for myself.  I should've demanded that he push me.  There are so many should have's.  What I shouldn't have done is been a friend to this a$$hole.  I shouldn't have listened to his stories about his boyfriend, or his kitchen remodel, or his reasons for dropping out of his triathlon training group (he was mad at another trainer).  I should've seen what kind of person he was.  I should've demanded a trainer that could be professional.   This has been such a learning lesson but I am more mad at myself than I am at him.  I should've thought more about myself and my goals.   I have to learn how to be selfish about my goals.  I never think I am good enough and by not working hard, I can keep coming up with an excuse as to why I don't progress.  This trainer was a total enabler and fed my low self esteem.  He enabled me to pretend I was working without really working.  I am totally mad at myself. 

No MORE!!  I am worth more.   I am worth hard work and someone who supports that, starting with myself.  Every day I am going to tell my self that I am worth this run, this bike, this swim.  I deserve it.  I deserve to give myself the gift of a goal and work towards it.  I am worthy of a goal. I am worthy of giving 100% to myself. 

I am going to start setting weekly goals in my log.  I will accomplish these goals.  I will measure progress.  I will demand more of me.  

I have let this get in my head all weekend.  Enough is enough.  Time to move on, learn and grow.   

Thank you for listening.  Head is clearer.  So happy I have a pod to help me process through this.  {{{MELONPRESSES}}}, and they are big melons, to everyone!!!   Thank you all!!!   I am making a promise to myself and you all to set goals and put the work in.  Enough whining.  Relentless forward progress!

We had such a fun day. Perfect weather...90s with a breeze. I think it might be on account of their parents' morbid sense of humor that both my kids found the dead fish most intriguing and funny 

Hmmmm....should I look at that Manatee bday list Janyne has stashed somewhere?

Originally posted by Richardsdrr Stick me on the DL, I can't walk

Is this your way of getting out of jogo'ing today?  What happened?