Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

Elite

3770

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

lisac957 - 2013-05-14 10:15 AM

julio26pt2 - 2013-05-14 9:15 AM Also, RBesecke, Have you ever heard of David DeAngelo? He wrote a book called Attraction Isn't a Choice which was very eye-opening (a quick Google search will return a .pdf version of the book, but I won't link the book directly here, but here's the Google Search link). It goes into a lot of detail on how women think vs men and the different parts of the brain we use. How confidence is key, as well as making one aware of the signals they're putting out. Where the fears come from that drive us to behave as we do in specific circumstances and how that behavior is perceived by women. How women say over an over they want the "nice guy" but what triggers the emotional response is someone who makes them feel a primal attraction by being challenged, being hit with unexpected behavior and confidence. Nothing that means that one has to be a jerk or mean to accomplish.... Strong in your convictions, humorous, ability to make a decision, etc... What I like about it is that it's not a "pick up" or "seduction" book and doesn't teach out to manipulate. Rather, it's an honest look at what traits are attractive to the opposite sex and how to be mindful of body language, wording, and other signals that women are picking up on (and putting out there) in order to show them who you really are in an honest way. Worth a read for both men and women, IMO.

I haven't read this book but what you wrote is eye-openingly true. Just thinking back on my past relationships and non-relationships, 100% yes.

Confidence is so so soooo sexy - I honestly feel bad for some of my single guy friends who are shy introverts. They are really struggling with dating and this is probably a lot of the reason why.

But here's a question - how do those guys flip the confidence switch? I don't really think someone should change their natural/instinctual behavior to try and pick up women since that's just not who they are. Or maybe they should? I dunno.

And what do men find attractive, if women tend to like the confident, will fight for their honor, challenge, etc? Seems like it would be the same thing.

My Race Log

Veteran

513

Chicago (Old Town)

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

lisac957 - 2013-05-14 10:15 AM

julio26pt2 - 2013-05-14 9:15 AM Also, RBesecke, Have you ever heard of David DeAngelo? He wrote a book called Attraction Isn't a Choice which was very eye-opening (a quick Google search will return a .pdf version of the book, but I won't link the book directly here, but here's the Google Search link). It goes into a lot of detail on how women think vs men and the different parts of the brain we use. How confidence is key, as well as making one aware of the signals they're putting out. Where the fears come from that drive us to behave as we do in specific circumstances and how that behavior is perceived by women. How women say over an over they want the "nice guy" but what triggers the emotional response is someone who makes them feel a primal attraction by being challenged, being hit with unexpected behavior and confidence. Nothing that means that one has to be a jerk or mean to accomplish.... Strong in your convictions, humorous, ability to make a decision, etc... What I like about it is that it's not a "pick up" or "seduction" book and doesn't teach out to manipulate. Rather, it's an honest look at what traits are attractive to the opposite sex and how to be mindful of body language, wording, and other signals that women are picking up on (and putting out there) in order to show them who you really are in an honest way. Worth a read for both men and women, IMO.

I haven't read this book but what you wrote is eye-openingly true. Just thinking back on my past relationships and non-relationships, 100% yes.

Confidence is so so soooo sexy - I honestly feel bad for some of my single guy friends who are shy introverts. They are really struggling with dating and this is probably a lot of the reason why.

But here's a question - how do those guys flip the confidence switch? I don't really think someone should change their natural/instinctual behavior to try and pick up women since that's just not who they are. Or maybe they should? I dunno.

That's a good question, Lisa. I don't think there's an easy answer. For me, it came when I started taking a good look at myself and focused on the good I've done in this world. Another thing that guys tend to do is to hold women on a pedestal where they're seeking some kind of approval and validation of self-worth based on her response.

My moment of clarity came while I (as an adult male) was literally crying to a female friend of mine about how this girl I was dating was so mean to me and I was pretty angry at the world. She explained that she'd never seen a more unattractive man in her life (but she qualified the answer with an explanation of physical vs total attractiveness or something like that). What I'd done is put my wants/desires aside and tried to be a total pleaser. This girl was strong-willed and I backed-down to avoid conflict in false hopes of making her like me. So naturally, she began to walk all over me and I began to resent her for it. Then I was somehow surprised when she finally ended things because I didn't do anything for her.

I'm not saying I'm who I want to be yet, but it's a process I'm working on. I recently dated someone and realized too late that I'd begun to fall into old habits. So, what I'm doing (or trying to do) is to learn from this new experience to be stronger going-forward. I feel pretty good about myself and my situation in life, but when I rely on outsiders for affirmation, then I'm on the road to being needy and insecure (neither of which are attractive to anyone).

So, I don't really have a good answer. I think it's just about becoming more and more secure with the person I am and sharing a positive (and truthful) attitude that is true to my convictions. Not compromising what I want in this world in order to fit someone else's expectations which never ends well. And mostly, to realize that there's someone out there who I will match well with exactly who I am and with who they are. If we internalize and make assumptions about what the other person wants and convey a false-representation of ourselves, we're denying both ourselves of happiness and possibly robbing this potential partner of the person they really want to be with who is who I was all along.

/end ramble....

My Race Log

Veteran

513

Chicago (Old Town)

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

turtlegirl - 2013-05-14 10:20 AM

lisac957 - 2013-05-14 10:15 AM

julio26pt2 - 2013-05-14 9:15 AM Also, RBesecke, Have you ever heard of David DeAngelo? He wrote a book called Attraction Isn't a Choice which was very eye-opening (a quick Google search will return a .pdf version of the book, but I won't link the book directly here, but here's the Google Search link). It goes into a lot of detail on how women think vs men and the different parts of the brain we use. How confidence is key, as well as making one aware of the signals they're putting out. Where the fears come from that drive us to behave as we do in specific circumstances and how that behavior is perceived by women. How women say over an over they want the "nice guy" but what triggers the emotional response is someone who makes them feel a primal attraction by being challenged, being hit with unexpected behavior and confidence. Nothing that means that one has to be a jerk or mean to accomplish.... Strong in your convictions, humorous, ability to make a decision, etc... What I like about it is that it's not a "pick up" or "seduction" book and doesn't teach out to manipulate. Rather, it's an honest look at what traits are attractive to the opposite sex and how to be mindful of body language, wording, and other signals that women are picking up on (and putting out there) in order to show them who you really are in an honest way. Worth a read for both men and women, IMO.

I haven't read this book but what you wrote is eye-openingly true. Just thinking back on my past relationships and non-relationships, 100% yes.

Confidence is so so soooo sexy - I honestly feel bad for some of my single guy friends who are shy introverts. They are really struggling with dating and this is probably a lot of the reason why.

But here's a question - how do those guys flip the confidence switch? I don't really think someone should change their natural/instinctual behavior to try and pick up women since that's just not who they are. Or maybe they should? I dunno.

And what do men find attractive, if women tend to like the confident, will fight for their honor, challenge, etc? Seems like it would be the same thing.

I'll summarize a little clearer what I wrote below to answer your point. What I find attractive is a woman who is true to her beliefs and has an opinion. And it's okay to believe differently or have an opinion that is different from mine. That's fun and gives a fresh view of the world. Challenging in a positive way. But what's important is to be respectful of each others opinion, even if we will never agree. But I expect that if I'm honest with a belief that the response will be respectful, even if it means admitting that we're a bad match. This is high above physical attractiveness (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't important, too). But this can go too far where someone is appears strong in their convictions, but need to prove others wrong who believe differently. This shows a lack of real confidence. Also, I'm also pretty churchie, so I also have additional things I find attractive that has to do with my faith, which I won't really get into here.

Edit: So, to summarize the summary, I don't want an agreeable doormat or puppy dog, but want someone who challenges me in a positive way and who I do the same to.

Edited by julio26pt2 2013-05-14 11:02 AM

My Race Log

Expert

1028

Detroit, MI. Kinda.

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

I've never read the D'angelo book, but I've read some of his articles - good stuff, but never read his book because most of the other stuff was on pickup web site that focused on mind games and manipulation...not cool. I assumed the book was more of the same. Nonetheless, it's valuable to know what makes us tick.

I think the confidence switch gets flipped with practice and positive experiences. At first you fake it. But don't worry if you don't nail it...it will come. Learn little lesson with every interaction. Also, realize that it's not a game where women are your opponent...they are equally nervous/frustrated/trying to find the right companionship too. They WANT to give you a chance and WANT you to be "the one" they've been looking for.

Veteran

513

Chicago (Old Town)

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

Zero2Athlete - 2013-05-14 11:02 AM

I've never read the D'angelo book, but I've read some of his articles - good stuff, but never read his book because most of the other stuff was on pickup web site that focused on mind games and manipulation...not cool. I assumed the book was more of the same. Nonetheless, it's valuable to know what makes us tick.

I think the confidence switch gets flipped with practice and positive experiences. At first you fake it. But don't worry if you don't nail it...it will come. Learn little lesson with every interaction. Also, realize that it's not a game where women are your opponent...they are equally nervous/frustrated/trying to find the right companionship too. They WANT to give you a chance and WANT you to be "the one" they've been looking for.

I agree that some of his stuff falls into the "pick up" category, which I steer clear of. I've read Strauss's The Game and was kind of turned off. But what D'angelo says in the book I mentioned above (and totally agree with) is that manipulation is being someone we're not in order to please another person (being overly agreeable, buying gifts/presents to win affection, compromising our core principles/beliefs to avoid conflict). That there's no trickery involved. Just be confident in who you are, be unafraid of rejection, and don't compromise your beliefs to please someone else. Once I wrapped my head around this idea, the results were really positive. And once I realized that women would like me for exactly who I am, so long as I was honest about who that person was, my confidence went through the roof. Again, I fall back into old habits sometimes and even was insecure with a woman I recently dated. Oops and oh well... Now I'm aware of this and will continue working to be mindful of when this happens so I don't repeat my mistakes.

My Race Log

Expert

1028

Detroit, MI. Kinda.

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

julio26pt2 - 2013-05-14 11:49 AM

turtlegirl - 2013-05-14 10:20 AM

lisac957 - 2013-05-14 10:15 AM

julio26pt2 - 2013-05-14 9:15 AM Also, RBesecke, Have you ever heard of David DeAngelo? He wrote a book called Attraction Isn't a Choice which was very eye-opening (a quick Google search will return a .pdf version of the book, but I won't link the book directly here, but here's the Google Search link). It goes into a lot of detail on how women think vs men and the different parts of the brain we use. How confidence is key, as well as making one aware of the signals they're putting out. Where the fears come from that drive us to behave as we do in specific circumstances and how that behavior is perceived by women. How women say over an over they want the "nice guy" but what triggers the emotional response is someone who makes them feel a primal attraction by being challenged, being hit with unexpected behavior and confidence. Nothing that means that one has to be a jerk or mean to accomplish.... Strong in your convictions, humorous, ability to make a decision, etc... What I like about it is that it's not a "pick up" or "seduction" book and doesn't teach out to manipulate. Rather, it's an honest look at what traits are attractive to the opposite sex and how to be mindful of body language, wording, and other signals that women are picking up on (and putting out there) in order to show them who you really are in an honest way. Worth a read for both men and women, IMO.

I haven't read this book but what you wrote is eye-openingly true. Just thinking back on my past relationships and non-relationships, 100% yes.

Confidence is so so soooo sexy - I honestly feel bad for some of my single guy friends who are shy introverts. They are really struggling with dating and this is probably a lot of the reason why.

But here's a question - how do those guys flip the confidence switch? I don't really think someone should change their natural/instinctual behavior to try and pick up women since that's just not who they are. Or maybe they should? I dunno.

And what do men find attractive, if women tend to like the confident, will fight for their honor, challenge, etc? Seems like it would be the same thing.

I'll summarize a little clearer what I wrote below to answer your point. What I find attractive is a woman who is true to her beliefs and has an opinion. And it's okay to believe differently or have an opinion that is different from mine. That's fun and gives a fresh view of the world. Challenging in a positive way. But what's important is to be respectful of each others opinion, even if we will never agree. But I expect that if I'm honest with a belief that the response will be respectful, even if it means admitting that we're a bad match. This is high above physical attractiveness (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't important, too). But this can go too far where someone is appears strong in their convictions, but need to prove others wrong who believe differently. This shows a lack of real confidence. Also, I'm also pretty churchie, so I also have additional things I find attractive that has to do with my faith, which I won't really get into here.

Edit: So, to summarize the summary, I don't want an agreeable doormat or puppy dog, but want someone who challenges me in a positive way and who I do the same to.

Similar here. First, I'm looking for a playmate. If I don't have to give up my hobbies to spend time with somebody because we have the same interests - that's super-valuable. Granted, it's not something someone can control...they either like to lift and tri and climb or they don't. Not all of them are required, but the more the merrier.

Confidence. Intelligence. Independence. Funny and relaxed. I personally think a girl that's tough but still feminine is really hot. If she can dig through a tough interval workout or a lifting session or whatever...hot.

Subject: ...

This user's post has been ignored.

Subject: ...

This user's post has been ignored.

Pro

4277

Parker, CO

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

turtlegirl - 2013-05-14 9:20 AM

lisac957 - 2013-05-14 10:15 AM

julio26pt2 - 2013-05-14 9:15 AM Also, RBesecke, Have you ever heard of David DeAngelo? He wrote a book called Attraction Isn't a Choice which was very eye-opening (a quick Google search will return a .pdf version of the book, but I won't link the book directly here, but here's the Google Search link). It goes into a lot of detail on how women think vs men and the different parts of the brain we use. How confidence is key, as well as making one aware of the signals they're putting out. Where the fears come from that drive us to behave as we do in specific circumstances and how that behavior is perceived by women. How women say over an over they want the "nice guy" but what triggers the emotional response is someone who makes them feel a primal attraction by being challenged, being hit with unexpected behavior and confidence. Nothing that means that one has to be a jerk or mean to accomplish.... Strong in your convictions, humorous, ability to make a decision, etc... What I like about it is that it's not a "pick up" or "seduction" book and doesn't teach out to manipulate. Rather, it's an honest look at what traits are attractive to the opposite sex and how to be mindful of body language, wording, and other signals that women are picking up on (and putting out there) in order to show them who you really are in an honest way. Worth a read for both men and women, IMO.

I haven't read this book but what you wrote is eye-openingly true. Just thinking back on my past relationships and non-relationships, 100% yes.

Confidence is so so soooo sexy - I honestly feel bad for some of my single guy friends who are shy introverts. They are really struggling with dating and this is probably a lot of the reason why.

But here's a question - how do those guys flip the confidence switch? I don't really think someone should change their natural/instinctual behavior to try and pick up women since that's just not who they are. Or maybe they should? I dunno.

And what do men find attractive, if women tend to like the confident, will fight for their honor, challenge, etc? Seems like it would be the same thing.

Introvert Alert! Need to chime in here. Why is being introverted seen by many as a lack of confidence? Really, I would like to know. A person needs confidence to be successful and there are many successful introverts! I'm definately introverted but don't lack confidence. We're born that way. We're not like that because of low self esteem or don't believe in ourselves. I have many introverted friends...probably because runner's tend to be introverted and I use to be a runner. Anyway, the introverts seem to be as sure of themselves as the extroverts. Often moreso.

OK...off my soapbox. Carry on.

My Race Log

Champion

5376

PA

Subject: RE: Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 3.0

Teejaay - 2013-05-14 12:55 PM

Zero2Athlete - 2013-05-14 9:25 AM