I miss my kids...

This happened to me 6 years ago when my kids were also 12 and 14.  I won't go into details because it's a long sordid story, but suffice it to say they were criminally manipulated by their father and I was painted to be just short of the Anti-Christ.  I knew from years of experience that you cannot fight an enemy who has no limits, and these were my children and I would NOT use them as pawns, I would not pull them in the opposite direction, and I would NOT say bad things about their father, no matter what.  I just made sure they knew I loved them, I did not stop trying to communicate  with them, I made sure that what they saw and knew of me was contradictory to what they were hearing about me.  I did my grieving on my own time, and in the therapists office.  Long story short, they came back to me eventually, and voluntarily.  They are now 18 and 20, and as time has gone on, even though we don't talk about it, they have shown me in many ways that they are sorry that I was so hurt, that they know they were manipulated, and that they love and respect me for how I behaved.  I have never and would never discourage them from communicating with their father, but suffice it to say, I now get the lion's share.

My advice, always always always put the kids first and whatever your dealings are with your ex, you make sure your motives are pure towards the feelings of those children.  Take what you have to so they don't suffer, keep the communications open, make sure they know you love them.  It's OK for them to know you miss them, but don't make them think you are in constant pain, that will cause them feeling of guilt and stress.  It's a hard balance but you must find it for their sake. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but this will end in time. You need to remember that someday they will be adults and you're shaping your future relationship right now.

Best of luck to you, believe me, I know how you feel.  Be strong, keep your life full when they are not with you. It really helps.

My best friend went through this.  Her youngest just turned 18 this year. 

She mentioned a 'non-custodial mom' group- I think it was a yahoo group.  You might wanna check it out for support. 

Thanks for saying that....that means a great deal. I wish there was something more I could do to help people in this situation.  I don't even want people I don't know to feel the way I felt.  Six years later I can still call up that feeling of walking around 24x7 feeling like someone kicked you in the stomach, and waking up in the morning and your first thought is that the world just feels wrong, then you remember why, and you still have to get out of bed and function.  Sometimes I wonder how I made it.  The only good thing to come out of this (besides my good relationship with my kids), is my ability to say to myself that I honestly and truly always put the kids first, that I took the blows as they came, with strength and dignity and never gave into the almost overwhelming urge to lash out, in pain and anger.  I behaved honorably, and I'm pretty proud of that.  If you can say the same, it will make it easier to live with yourself, both during and after this dark time is over.

Stay strong. 

You guys are great.

I just needed a place to express how I was feeling.  I have a great relationship w/ my kids (in some ways, better than when they lived with me) and most of the time I can just enjoy my time with them, be their mom, let them know I love them, etc.  I tell them I miss them, but not in a "OMG, I can't live w/out you" way, but in a "I missed you, I love you, give me a hug" kinda way.  It was just that they'd been with me for a whole month, and we had a great time - and then they left.  Just made me feel very lonely and sad.

They are WAY more appreciative of stuff I do with/for them than they were before.  Anything I do, they say, "Thanks, mom" where before it was like "Whatever, mom."  What's interesting is that last year some of the stuff that we've had as a tradition to do together, they didn't care about, but this year - they were very insistent that some things happened the way they always had.  Christmas, family vacation, and a couple of other events come to mind. 

Anyway, your words of support and sympathy made me feel a lot better, so thanks.

Hugs to you, words cannot do what I want them to do.  Just know that I am thinking of you and  hoping you have brighter days ahead, and I a wishing you comfort in these immediate days.