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Cheating bf & vacation
OptionResults
Go with him, have the best time possible, and try to work things out w/us
Go with him, flirt with every guy I see and make the trip miserable for him
Go by myself and just give him all the money back that he paid
Let him go by himself and lose out on the money I paid (and on Costa Rica)
Ask my fellow BTers if anyone would like go in his place
Go with him, but be the bigger person & act maturely & drop him afterwards
Flip a coin. Winner goes (and takes a friend). Loser stays home.
Never use the bathroom again. Ever.
Drop him AND take a BTer.
Go on your own and let him do whatever he wants.
DUMP HIM. Don't tell him you're going to Costa Rica. Don't give him a penny
Don't go on trips with men you are not married to.
take me in celebration of the one thousandth post
Make up your own friggin mind, what do a bunch of strangers know?
This is a multiple choice poll.

2005-11-17 11:36 AM
in reply to: #286706

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

You asked for opinions and got them.

Keep your head up (don't take him back reguardless what happens on the trip). Good luck.



2005-11-17 11:39 AM
in reply to: #286706

Veteran
407
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Dallas, Texas
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Making certain choices in response to what someone else does does not mean they have "control over you." Everyone's life is governed to some extent by what others do or fail to do.

Your choices basically boil down to (1) stay home and (2) go on the trip. If you go on the trip and he doesn't, it should be a good time. If you go on the trip and he does too, it will be aweful. What are the odds that he'll go?

Don't go on the trip just because you've already spen the money and can't get a refund. The money is spent either way. No reason to have spent the money AND have a miserable 10 days.

What does your family think? While you may not like to hear it, they probably have a pretty good feel for what is best.

Bill

Edited by SMUJD 2005-11-17 11:40 AM
2005-11-17 11:40 AM
in reply to: #287091

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Giver
18426
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 11:33 AM (Please don't yell at me if you don't agree with me.)


The yelling is just us loving you loudly.
2005-11-17 11:49 AM
in reply to: #287107

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
run4yrlif - 2005-11-17 10:40 AM

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 11:33 AM (Please don't yell at me if you don't agree with me.)


The yelling is just us loving you loudly.


Yes Love... Vicious, Soul-wrenching, gut-churning, vomit-inducing love.

Oh and for an "other side of the coin" perspective that you can use... according to some guy I think I heard on a movie or something, I think it was Jesus that said: "You are allowed one hookup with an ex for every 6 months you were together"... which gives you 8. You could could just use them all up on the trip and be done with it.

Good luck either way. I'd love to go to Costa Rica with you, but my wife isn't too keen on the idea.

bts
2005-11-17 11:51 AM
in reply to: #287091

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Got Wahoo?
5423
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San Antonio
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 10:33 AM I know you guys are right. It's just hard to hear it, you know? There's a lot going on in my head right now. Unfortunately, there isn't something out there that can just make everything alright. So, I have to make these tough (hard, unwanted) decisions that I would never have been forced to make if it wasn't for him screwing up. So it sucks that it's not just cheating I have to deal with, but all this other stuff too. I didn't have control over what he did and allowing his actions to govern how I handle things in the weeks to come only means that he still has control. If I stay home and cancel the trip, it will be because of him. If I go on the trip and have a crappy time, it will be because of him. If I go on the trip, w/ or w/o him and have a good time, that would have been my doing and not his. In my opinion, I have three choices here, two of which will be bad (upsetting/disappointed/unwanted) and because of him, one of which will be good and because of me. Why not shoot for the good one and if it doesn't work I just get stuck with a crappy one, which is what I would have had anyway if I didn't try. (Please don't yell at me if you don't agree with me.)

You are kidding yourself: the "good" choice as you name it is in fact the least painful - at least in your tunnel vision mentality about giving up the trip. Least painful is not always the good=right decision. The control you "give up" by not going on the trip with him has already been stripped from you. If you go, you are only making another decision that further wittles away at your control, only now you lose respect and the high ground along with the control. If you think he will not effect your trip, you are crazy - two things can happen - you get along terribly, in which case the trip was worthless, or you get along great and forget/make excuses for his appaling behaivior and toss what is left of your respect at the alter of his infidelity and your insecure need.

p.s. I'm not yelling, I'm lazily speaking in my smoothest, slowest southern drawl.... 

p.s.s. He is using this trip as a lever to keep you and he knows it - and my guess is he knows you well enough to know it will work.



Edited by tmwelshy 2005-11-17 11:54 AM
2005-11-17 11:56 AM
in reply to: #286706

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Master
1558
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Pensacola, Fl
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Dr. Phil is that you????


2005-11-17 11:58 AM
in reply to: #287119

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Got Wahoo?
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San Antonio
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
I could kick Dr. Phils ass.... Seriously: I'd like to fight him.
2005-11-17 11:59 AM
in reply to: #287125

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

I'm sure you could and he can probably be found at your local steak or BBQ joint...

tmwelshy - 2005-11-17 12:58 PM I could kick Dr. Phils ass.... Seriously: I'd like to fight him.

2005-11-17 12:00 PM
in reply to: #287126

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Giver
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
I think you can find Dr. Phil dancing shirtless down at the Man Hole.

TriComet - 2005-11-17 11:59 AM

I'm sure you could and he can probably be found at your local steak or BBQ joint...

tmwelshy - 2005-11-17 12:58 PM I could kick Dr. Phils ass.... Seriously: I'd like to fight him.

2005-11-17 1:05 PM
in reply to: #286994

Elite Veteran
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Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 10:16 AM ...... If anyone was serious about "drop him and take a BTer," PM me. I will definitely think about it. The trip is Dec. 1 - 10, departing from Philly.

How would you get him to give up his share of the trip to the BT'er?  You can't just 'give' someone your non-refundable plane ticket,  so they'd have to buy their own ticket, and also, doesn't he want to go on the trip, especially now that he doesn't have the other girl?



Edited by Tania 2005-11-17 1:06 PM
2005-11-17 1:15 PM
in reply to: #286999

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Master
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Pensacola, Fl
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
TriComet - 2005-11-17 10:19 AM

There you go Lane.

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 11:16 AM  If anyone was serious about "drop him and take a BTer," PM me. I will definitely think about it. The trip is Dec. 1 - 10, departing from Philly.

Dammit...how'd I miss this one.  Unfortunately, that is not a good time for me!



2005-11-17 1:17 PM
in reply to: #286994

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Master
1558
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Pensacola, Fl
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 10:16 AM He said he needed to be w/ someone else before deciding if he was going to spend the rest of his life with me.

Of course, he said this...he's a guy!  Wait, that is even harsh for us pigs!

2005-11-17 1:23 PM
in reply to: #286706

Champion
8903
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Orange, Massachusetts
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Well, I wasn't going to post again, so shame on me for lying...but it cracks me up that you've got 41 posts as of this moment, and 7 of them are on this thread. So you're a relative newbie, showing up on a site and asking for serious advice from a bunch of strangers. Kind of weird when someone posts on a tri-site and dives right into off topic (as far as triathlon) threads right away.

Personally, I think your immaturity is showing through and you're just looking for attention. Well, you got it. Like Renee said, you're only filtering the advice that you want to hear. I guess the bottom line is for you to do whatever you want.

Well...time to go to work. This issue will be water over the dam by tomorrow.

2005-11-17 1:34 PM
in reply to: #286994

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Champion
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Fairport, NY
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 11:16 AM He said he needed to be w/ someone else before deciding if he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. I said, "If you really needed that, you should have broken up with me first...and, after dating me for 200+ weeks, you could have waited a few more weeks so you didn't ruin our vacation." He was hoping to have this all figured out by our trip and then tell me about what was happening either during our trip or right after. He's been seeing this girl for about 5-6 weeks, but only saw her like 3 or 4 times, which I sort of believe, because the two of us are together ALL THE TIME. But, 3 or 4, 30 or 40, it doesn't make a difference. Plus, I checked his phone records and the calls were far and few between.

His excuses for "why" are completely irrelavant. A guy that will cheat on you will tell you whatever lie he thinks you'll believe. Give him any credit for having consideration or compassion for you and you will be wrong. His position on the money is proof of that. If I understand correctly, here's the gist of his position:

"I cheated on you because I love you and wanted to make sure that our future lives together wouldn't be ruined by my not getting rid of my doubts. And if you can't understand that, then you are ruining this vacation for me and should reimburse me the money I've put towards it."

To spend any more time or attention on this shmuck would be to waste it.

2005-11-17 1:36 PM
in reply to: #287244

Elite Veteran
1817
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Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

If it were me, I'd tell him this:

"I am NOT going on this vacation with you.  Either I go or you go.  If I go, you will just consider the money you are losing to be the price you paid for being an asshole.  Assholes do not get refunds.  If you go, it is going to cost you $ XXX (whatever your share of the trip cost) to get your bus tickets and the rest of your trip itinerary information from me.  Or, you can just use your e-ticket to fly to Costa Rica and FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF". 

But not many people would be that harsh to someone who crapped all over their relationship, I know this.....I am in the rare minority.

You want to go on the trip whether he goes or not.  I of all people understand that because traveling to new places is my a-number one thing in life. You are going to do what you want to do, so just do it and if you are miserable, then that is a decision you have to live with and it has a starting point and an ending point.  Crappy trip over.  However, if you both go, and you don't tell him to stay the f**k way from you during the trip and forever, or worse yet, if you take him back - well then honey, you deserve whatever you get.  And you will get it and you'll keep getting for the rest of your life. 

2005-11-17 1:45 PM
in reply to: #287254

Champion
6539
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South Jersey
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
max - 2005-11-17 1:23 PM

Well, I wasn't going to post again, so shame on me for lying...but it cracks me up that you've got 41 posts as of this moment, and 7 of them are on this thread. So you're a relative newbie, showing up on a site and asking for serious advice from a bunch of strangers. Kind of weird when someone posts on a tri-site and dives right into off topic (as far as triathlon) threads right away.

Personally, I think your immaturity is showing through and you're just looking for attention. Well, you got it. Like Renee said, you're only filtering the advice that you want to hear. I guess the bottom line is for you to do whatever you want.

Well...time to go to work. This issue will be water over the dam by tomorrow.



Wow,Max, way to kick a girl when she's down. My posting of this doesn't show my immaturity. First, the advice that my friends and family give (the ones that know me, Aaron, and my relationship best) is the advice I will give the most consideration to. Second, there is nothing wrong with getting advice from people that are totally and completely objective (i.e., having NO knowledge of me, Aaron, or my relationship). And, third, because this was posted on COJ doesn't mean that you or anyone has to read the post and consequently respond. I left the poll open for people to add their own suggestions because I was fine with the crazy, silly, stupid, funny, crude suggestions that I knew people would post up there. It doesn't show my immaturity; it doesn't show that I am holding the advice from fellow BTers as the best advice I can get; and it doesn't show that I am looking for attention. And, it's not like I asked for relationship advice, emotional support, or even how to handle/cope with this; I merely threw a what-would-you-do-type question out there, in regards to my/our upcoming vacation. I read COJ, a lot of times I don't respond because I can't use it during the day at work (breaking the rules today) and the conversations are done and over with by the time I get on the computer at night, but when someone has an issue, sometimes serious sometimes not, I do respond if I feel I can make a contribution to the issue at hand. But, enough of that, I too must return to my work.

Edited by LaurenSU02 2005-11-17 2:11 PM


2005-11-17 1:50 PM
in reply to: #286706

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

Well, I think most of us are done with this, I am....just going to anxiously wait now... 

I hope you have the guts to come back and tell us how it goes. Have a good trip, whatever you decide to do.

2005-11-17 2:21 PM
in reply to: #286706

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
My greatest idea ever.

A deep sea fishing trip...

A roofie in the beer...

An accidental nudge into shark infested waters...

bts
2005-11-17 2:51 PM
in reply to: #286706

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Extreme Veteran
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
I agree with Jim.... Make his passpot disappear one just before the trip.... It is not your fault he is so disorganized.... LOL
Costa Rica is a nice place to go on vacation BUT going with him under those circumstances may be the worst thing you could ever do. You will probably have a misserable time with him, that is no vacation. Hard choice Right before my ex and I separated we had a trip planned to go to Indianapolis to watch the F1 race. A lifetime dream for me.... I canceled, no way I was going to spoil that dream, traveling under those circumstances.
Dump him, plan a girls trip (I went with 2 other friends) and you will have the time of your life in CR. BTW we went in July, (off season for them) we got incredible savings in nice hotels (Tabacon)
Good Luck....
2005-11-17 3:53 PM
in reply to: #286706

Pro
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Advice in this case is useless. I've been there. What did I do? Took her back, treated her like shite for 2 months and dumped her.

Was it good for me? Nope. Was it good for her? Maybe, I definitely lost the moral high ground when I treated her badly. Sure, for me treating her badly was about being a miserable shite who never let her forget about what she did, not about cheating on her, but still...

The head and the heart have to be in synch to make a decision like this, and I can tell that your heart is not ready to let him go.

You will do what you will do. You probably will take him back, and hopefully one of two things will happen:

1) He really learned his lesson and will never do it again and you will be able to forgive him for being a dirty, untrustworthy, take-advantage-of-the-trust-of-a-loved-one, weak-egoed, weak-willed, just plain weak, dickhead.

Or

2) When he cheats on you again (and usually it's a 'when' and not an 'if') you have learned that a dickhead can't change his spots (and make sure that your dickhead gets checked so he doesn't give you the gift that keeps on giving, *herpes* - or worse).
2005-11-17 5:23 PM
in reply to: #287374

Champion
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South Jersey
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
clflgrl - 2005-11-17 2:51 PM

I agree with Jim.... Make his passpot disappear one just before the trip.... It is not your fault he is so disorganized.... LOL
Costa Rica is a nice place to go on vacation BUT going with him under those circumstances may be the worst thing you could ever do. You will probably have a misserable time with him, that is no vacation. Hard choice Right before my ex and I separated we had a trip planned to go to Indianapolis to watch the F1 race. A lifetime dream for me.... I canceled, no way I was going to spoil that dream, traveling under those circumstances.
Dump him, plan a girls trip (I went with 2 other friends) and you will have the time of your life in CR. BTW we went in July, (off season for them) we got incredible savings in nice hotels (Tabacon)
Good Luck....


Awesome. I am glad you had a great time in CR. We are doing a 2-day rafting trip on the Pacuare River, then spending a few days at the Tabacon Hot Springs Resort, and then a few days at El Parador on the Pacific Beach. High Season doesn't technically begin until Dec. 12, so we are paying more than what you probably paid in July, but are paying much less than we would have if we had taken the trip two weeks later. I am glad to hear you enjoyed the off-season; I'll keep that in mind if I go again (or for the first time at a later time)


2005-11-17 5:24 PM
in reply to: #287510

Champion
6539
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South Jersey
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Hey, thanks everyone. I'll be sure to write a "vacation report."
2005-11-18 8:44 AM
in reply to: #287512

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Buttercup
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

Take lots of wet weather gear. Rainy season began in November.

Hey! My suggestion got the most votes!!! I totally rock.



Edited by Renee 2005-11-18 8:45 AM
2005-11-18 8:45 AM
in reply to: #287826

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

And Kleenex.

Renee - 2005-11-18 9:44 AM

Take lots of wet weather gear. Rainy season began in November.

Hey! My suggestion got the most votes!!! I totally rock.

2005-11-18 9:32 AM
in reply to: #287830

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Buttercup
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
TriComet - 2005-11-18 8:45 AM

And Kleenex.

Funny story. Last year, guy/kid I work with had booked a cruise with a chick he was seeing. They break up before the cruise, he doesn't want to go by himself so he invites his ex-girlfriend (whom he affectionately refers to as My Stalker). I give him the 'Are you stoopid?' look when he tells me his plans, he protests that it'll be a good time, he knows what he's doing.

When he gets back from his cruise he refuses to talk about his 'good times.' He's still getting text messages from his stalker ex-girlfriend and can't understand why she won't go away.



Edited by Renee 2005-11-18 9:32 AM
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