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2006-02-03 8:15 AM

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COURT JESTER
12230
50005000200010010025
ROCKFORD, IL
Subject: FRIDAY FUNNIES

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

 

Thanks, Troubled User

 

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

 

This is a very common problem that men complain about.  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.  You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.  The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.  However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

Best of luck, Tech Support

 

----------------------------------------------------

Here are a few things to think about.......

 

 

 

  _____ 

 

 

Can you cry under water?

 

  _____ 

 

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"..  .       but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

  _____ 

 

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

  _____ 

 

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

  _____ 

 

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

  _____ 

 

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

  _____ 

 

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

 

  _____ 

 

 

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

  _____ 

 

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

  _____ 

 

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

  _____ 

 

 

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

 



2006-02-03 8:28 AM
in reply to: #337976

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Elite
2777
2000500100100252525
In my bunk with new shoes and purple sweats.
Subject: RE: FRIDAY FUNNIES
Puppy I'm beginning to look forward to your posts. Keep up the good work.
2006-02-03 8:31 AM
in reply to: #337991

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COURT JESTER
12230
50005000200010010025
ROCKFORD, IL
Subject: RE: FRIDAY FUNNIES

gullahcracker - 2006-02-03 7:28 AM Puppy I'm beginning to look forward to your posts. Keep up the good work.

Thank you.  And I'll thank my mom, sister and friends for keeping the funnies coming. 

2006-02-03 8:31 AM
in reply to: #337976

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Resident Curmudgeon
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The Road Back
Gold member
Subject: RE: FRIDAY FUNNIES




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2006-02-03 9:19 AM
in reply to: #337976

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Expert
1135
100010025
Delano, MN
Subject: RE: FRIDAY FUNNIES
Bear you just got a hearty laugh out of me at the end of a very very hard week! Good one!
2006-02-03 10:26 AM
in reply to: #337976

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Extreme Veteran
760
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Provo, UT (my heart is in Seattle)
Subject: RE: FRIDAY FUNNIES
Awesome! Keep the posts coming!


2006-02-03 10:28 AM
in reply to: #337976

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Pro
4612
20002000500100
MA
Subject: RE: FRIDAY FUNNIES

I was telling this at last night's chat....

A guy lost lots of money from the stock market.  Depressed, he went to church for advice.  The minister told him to take a bible, let the wind flip the pages, and follow the first words he sees.  Those words of wisdom are God's advice of what the man should do. 

A year later, the man returned to the church driving a Lamborghini, and handed a hugh check to the minister to be donated to the church.  The minister asked him what were the words he saw on the bible that had brought him such a furtune.  The man replied, "Chapter 11". 

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