General Discussion Triathlon Talk » *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo Rss Feed  
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2015-02-14 1:48 PM
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North Augusta, South Carolina
Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by glfprncs

I may get a lot of flack for saying such a thing, but I honestly believe that in order to be a GOOD mom, wife, partner, whatever, you need to be selfish on occasion in order to take care of yourself. If that means you need to carve out 60 minutes of time to workout, meditate, watch sappy television, whatever, then I don't see that as a bad thing. I think one who does such a thing, and who continues to see his or her needs AS important as the needs of others understands that in order for you to do a good job doing for others, you also need to be a happy and healthy yourself.

When I first married my husband, I tried to be the best partner I could the detriment of my own happiness and health. I was absolutely MISERABLE, and it was because I put the needs of everyone else, especially him, ahead of mine. And yes, I resented how I felt.

When I started working out daily, I had to tell/discuss with my husband, "I will be working out from X:00 to X:00 tomorrow. I really need this time to better myself. Please understand." He was a little grumpy at first because I wasn't there for him all. the. time, but once he realized how much happier I was with myself, he saw how my 60 minutes of exercise each day improved my mood, my energy, and helped me not hate the person I looked at in the mirror each day. If I hadn't started being selfish, our marriage would not have lasted in the long run.

When I got into triathlon, new issues arose, particularly when I started training for half iron distances. Tri training involves a LOT of time, travel time (to the pool, to the lake, to where ever we 're going to bike (and of course, NO ONE can ever be on time) oftentimes more so than actual training. I had to do a better job carving "me time" out of our schedule so that it didn't impact our time together as much as I was allowing it to. I'm fortunate that he loves to golf on Saturdays and Sundays. It's perfect for long training blocks. He gets, "HIS" time, too.

OP--I'm glad you shared the information on your 2nd post. My husband wants nothing to do with swimming, biking, running or exercising the way I do it. He's a Tour caddie, so he gets plenty of exercise shlepping a 70 pound golf bag around for 5-6 hours per day, but he's made it crystal clear to me that he doesn't want to join in my triathlon fun. I do golf a bit, and we'll go together on occasion, but I generally only do so because it's a nice day and it's time together. Communication is key as well as finding joy in your own thing as long as the other person is on the same page with you.

Also, one of the biggest issues my husband has with triathlon is my safety. He has legitimate concerns (solo runs as a woman, bicycles and cars, etc.). If I say I'm going to be gone on my bike for 3 hours, and then we get a late start, I make it a point to check in with him when he expects to hear from me at hour 3 so he knows I'm not dead somewhere on the side of the road.

Didn't realize I hit "quote" instead of "edit." Sorry!

Edited by glfprncs 2015-02-14 1:49 PM

2015-02-16 1:46 PM
in reply to: glfprncs

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
+1 Right there is the way you do it. The family all needs to be on the same page. I think it's reasonable for my wife to expect me to do everything in my power to minimize my time away from home while at the same time achieving my athletic goals. She's flexible and supportive so I am more than happy to do the same. Thus all of the indoors training and training at ungodly hours in the AM so that I can minimize PM training. It's 100% worth it to have my wife have a say as to how (schedule-wise) my training is conducted. We're a team, and truth be told, she's MVP so I would be stupid to not involve her. Don't mess with the MVP.
2015-02-16 2:54 PM
in reply to: neuronet

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by neuronet

Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood.

But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous.

Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share.

Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions.

One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go...

"I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died."

"I have never had a broken leg"

"My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed."

"I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!"

"When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

I step away from this forum for months on end for precisely that reason. People can be very dismissive of problems that someone else has. There are certain, very vocal people on this forum who think that if they haven't encountered a problem, even if it is explicitly triathlon related and not personal, that it doesn't deserve consideration.

The OP is looking for advice, but pages of people piling on and basically calling her a bad mother are not going to help in any way. I almost said that I didn't have advice, but I actually do. Several years ago, my husband and I were fighting. A lot. Resentment was building, and I had one foot out the door. Then we found a good marriage counselor. Sometimes having a neutral third party (NOT his mother) can help sort things out and figure out what is important.
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