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2015-02-06 6:02 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Momma, you totally missed my point and overlooked my first comment. My issue is with the comment of having the life sucked out of her by her family. To me that's a sign of problems elsewhere.....her workouts are just an effect of the underlying cause that she hasn't figured out. I wished her well on finishing that cause.


2015-02-06 8:25 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by MuscleMomma Sorry, but I respect a woman who is honest about how hard mothering can be.

Amen to that. I honestly hope the responses here haven't scared the OP off.

Here's the deal. YES, you probably have some things that need dealing with. Family shouldn't be a chore, or a thing you resent, and that's probably where you need to start. Communicate with your husband - TELL HIM you're feeling this way and why. Try to work it out before it becomes a fight.

I have two kids and I love the heck out of being a mom, but let's be honest - there are moments when being a mom is HARD. My second kid was colicky, and spent hours crying every day while I juggled trying to soothe him while trying to be a good interactive mom to his older sister. Coming from a corporate career and the freedom to train whenever I wanted, suddenly switching to a situation where I couldn't make things better (poor kid - I just wanted him to feel better!) was really difficult. I had a LOT of bad days. I gained weight. I stopped training. I resented my family at times, mostly because I was sleep-deprived and feeling awful for my kid.

To all the guys here who are all roses and sunshine, I think it's great that you're obviously fantastic dads (because I know you are, and I love that!), but admitting difficulty does not a bad parent make.

I accept 100% responsibility for my kids. They are the most rewarding thing I have done in my life. I am committed to doing what is best for them all the time. But all of that comes with some sacrifices in my personal life. And quite honestly, there are moments (especially when they are very young) that dealing with that reality is difficult.

In the end, I learned to communicate about it with my husband, and he met me halfway. There were a lot of days when I said, "Honey, it's been really rough day with the kids. I think it would do me a lot of good to go for a bike ride when you get home - is that ok?" And he is an awesome husband and figured out that saying "Sure thing!!" made for a much happier and productive wife and mom. So have that conversation with your husband, and if you can't do it without things escalating, do it in the presence of a therapist.

We're at a point now where I tell him in January what races I'm thinking of doing, what the time commitment is per week and each weekend, and we discuss if it's possible with the family schedule and how we can work it out. I'm choosing to skip a 50 mile mountain bike race this summer because I couldn't figure out where to fit in 6 hr training rides, and I respect that it would affect time with the family. We're compromising so I can do some 30 mile races (3-4 hr training rides).

I don't know how old your kids are or if you work full-time or if training for long distance triathlons fits into your schedule. That's all for you and your husband (and NOT your MIL) to figure out. But make sure it's a conversation. Not just resentment boiling over on both sides due to things never said until it turns into a fight.

*Hugs*

I know it's hard.

 

 



Edited by Stacers 2015-02-06 8:27 PM
2015-02-06 8:38 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Well.....fair enough......I defer to the moms. 

2015-02-06 11:31 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Hey everyone,

Thanks for the support and advice. I am still catching up on your replies, but I ended up talking with the husband.

Sorry for being vague, previously. I wanted to vent but not go crazy ranting on here. Lol. But yes, the MIL was attacking me with the "you're selfish" card. What she thinks of me, I could care less... I only tolerate her for my children because she loves the kids and is a great grandma. I was shocked and angry at how little she thinks I do... (My husband fails to tell her) That being said, on a daily basis I'm always as giving as possible. I'm up first, make everyone breakfast, I do all laundry, clean the house, get groceries, cook.... I mean... A lot. Constantly. So I always felt that I *earned* training time.

Apparently after the talk I learned that the free time I did have, I wasn't choosing to spend time with my husband. I have been caring for him *laundry, cooking etc* but not actually hanging out with him. I felt bad because didn't realize that. But I also explained to him that he shouldn't take it personal when I do want to go off on a lonely long run. It's my only time from my busy life to actually honestly recoup. I work in an office all day, in meetings all day, I'm home with kids all week night... Like, I just get burnt out on being around people constantly. He didn't realize that but I also failed to communicate that. I'd just be frustrated and then storm off on a run or swim when the kids would go down for a nap on the weekends. Lol.

I learned a lot and we have talked before but it's been awhile. That being said, I'm making an effort to hangout with him more. Tomorrow night we're doing a dinner date and I'm gonna do my best not to 1.) Fall asleep 2.) Talk about triathlon.

Hahaha.

Oh, and my MIL can still eat a flaming cock. >_>
2015-02-06 11:38 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Oh yeah, sorry, we both work full time. But I get the kids every day after work. He comes home when they go to bed, so I cook, feed em, bathe them, all that fun stuff

He has just been upset seeing me invest in kids, job, myself and have nothing left for him.

If that makes sense.
2015-02-07 12:08 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
You are on the right path in communicating with your husband. Relatives outside of the core family can talk to the hand.

I understand your last comment of working and then taking care of home and hearth. What struck me is that he feels left out that you: 1. work 2. take care of household 3. take care of kids 4. take care of husband (who apparently whined to MIL how neglected he is)

Before your husband gets a double barrel blast of rock salt in the face please objectively let us know what he does and how he contributes to the family, your last post indicates that it is not a 50/50 split of responsibility.

IMHO:
If he is pulling his weight with laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, chasing events and other family issues then continue the conversation. Your "me" time is well used in pursuit of a healthy active lifestyle manifested in triathlon.

If he has not done his share. I would say to him HTFU. here is a list the store is that way, the washer and dryer are downstairs, and make sure our kid gets to his friend's birthday party on time and you also need go to the store to get a gift for him. Oh yeah the vet called, the dog/cat are due their exam and shots schedule that and don't miss the appointment. etc. etc. etc. No he does not get to relax with the guys watching a game. He can push a f'n vacuum around the house.

P.S. when was the last time he took you out for a DATE? Next Friday does not count!

Edited by tcarlson78 2015-02-07 12:10 AM


2015-02-07 12:34 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
So, I made my original post hot headed. After I ranted on here I went off and reflected on everything. EVERYTHING. Why am I so angry? Am I being selfish? All that crap. Since we had kids, in the beginning, he did nothing but go work. I was at home with our boys, extremely fat, greasy, underslept, just gross. I never made time for myself and was so embarrassed about how unkempt I became I never wanted to go out. Well, maternity leave ended and back to the office I went. 9-5 job, then get the kids after. Then I found triathlon! A co-worker got me interested in this *triathloning* Haha. I lost 75+ lbs, started winning some races, I loved it! My kids are 4 and 2. They don't really know what races are but they get really excited when mommy comes home with medals! I had a high! I feel great, I'm happy, I was making time for myself finally. But at some point my husband started complaining... A LOT. He'd get home late and not even notice the clean house, or laundry, he'd just complain that I'm tired and want to go to bed rather than stay up with him. I mean, that was our life all last year... The more he complained the less I wanted to be around him. And I kinda hate confrontation. I just buckle up and go on a walk to just recover. If I don't I blow up. I'm Italian so I got a temper problem. Haha.

Anyway, we both lost a connection. We stopped hanging out and talking. We just became roommates almost. I started training more just to avoid him. I feel bad admitting that, but after being at work all day, then getting the kids, then him complaining about not hanging out... I just wanted to runaway. It was very draining on me. We both had resentment But neither of us talked about it. Well his MIL did, finally and even though its not her business, it really opened the communication door open for us. Her telling me I'm selfish, really pissed me off and she's wrong. But that really stuck in my head and destroyed my training mojo.

My husband is not a bad guy. Albeit pretty lazy... and whiney, but even though he bitches, he still gets up for my 5am races... He still watches the kids when I go off for 3 hours on the weekends to train and he did just buy me a watch to track my workouts. He's reluctantly supportive. Haha.

After talking with him about it, just explaining how I felt and why, it's already helped. We haven't made efforts to really go on dates. So I've been setting those up.

I've also been thinking about getting him a cheapy road bike for Valentines Day and try to encorporate him on some of my long rides (kids stay with babysitter til we can get a bike trailer) but he's fairly anti-recreational. I gotta be outside, moving often. I still have a lot to think about and I do a LOT more with my kids, mostly because of my husband's demanding job. Do I hold that against him? No. But did I get upset with his complaining and neediness, yeah, because in my eyes I thought "gee, I'm taking care of everyone and the house, how are you still not happy?" Not realizing, he doesn't care about clean laundry or a full fridge, he just wanted to hangout with me more. Face time.

I get it now. But originally, at the start of this massive internet rant, I just wanted to set my house on fire. Hahaha
2015-02-07 9:22 AM
in reply to: rizztalah

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Rizz, your open honesty in sharing with us is very much appreciated. Believe it or not, it is helpful (at least for me) whether you realize it or not. I am so happy that the lines of communication have begun to improve in your relationship. Though I am new to tri and still in 3rd year of marriage, these issues of time management, energy and attention to others etc. creeps up. Being as CANDID as you have been about the rawness of the emotions and the effects on self and family are what I hope get to be discussed more often on this forum (and without judgement). Thank you, and here's to a great 2015 of personal and familial success.
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2015-02-08 9:44 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
^^ This

I've got to say, having read your follow up posts, I saw a lot that reflected my own situation. My wife and I both work full time, have long commutes, we've got young kids that need a lot of attention, and it takes a lot of effort. In our house, I'm usually the one who wakes up early and packs lunches, takes out the dog, and preps breakfast; I do most of the shopping and the cooking in the evening. I do my best to train during my lunch break, but some nights my plan still says it's time to jump on the trainer rather than relax with my wife, but I feel like I've earned it and that it's my way to unwind solo. And on those nights when I've had a stressful day, the wife is working late or traveling, the 4 year old is throwing an epic bedtime tantrum and the 5 month old is screaming hungry, I feel like the kids are sucking the life out of me too. They're one of the best things going on in my life, but man are they hard work sometimes.

Anyway, your post prompted me to sit down and talk it over with my wife. She's been vocal in the past about asking me to cut back on training when she felt it was encroaching on family time, so I wasn't expecting her to voice any concerns and she didn't (if anything, she was jealous my work schedule allowed for lunch training). But it was good to clear the air, and I doubt I would have done so if not for reading your post.

Edited by Fourteenkittens 2015-02-08 9:46 PM
2015-02-09 7:32 AM
in reply to: rizztalah

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by rizztalah

So, I made my original post hot headed. After I ranted on here I went off and reflected on everything. EVERYTHING. Why am I so angry? Am I being selfish? All that crap. Since we had kids, in the beginning, he did nothing but go work. I was at home with our boys, extremely fat, greasy, underslept, just gross. I never made time for myself and was so embarrassed about how unkempt I became I never wanted to go out. Well, maternity leave ended and back to the office I went. 9-5 job, then get the kids after. Then I found triathlon! A co-worker got me interested in this *triathloning* Haha. I lost 75+ lbs, started winning some races, I loved it! My kids are 4 and 2. They don't really know what races are but they get really excited when mommy comes home with medals! I had a high! I feel great, I'm happy, I was making time for myself finally. But at some point my husband started complaining... A LOT. He'd get home late and not even notice the clean house, or laundry, he'd just complain that I'm tired and want to go to bed rather than stay up with him. I mean, that was our life all last year... The more he complained the less I wanted to be around him. And I kinda hate confrontation. I just buckle up and go on a walk to just recover. If I don't I blow up. I'm Italian so I got a temper problem. Haha.

Anyway, we both lost a connection. We stopped hanging out and talking. We just became roommates almost. I started training more just to avoid him. I feel bad admitting that, but after being at work all day, then getting the kids, then him complaining about not hanging out... I just wanted to runaway. It was very draining on me. We both had resentment But neither of us talked about it. Well his MIL did, finally and even though its not her business, it really opened the communication door open for us. Her telling me I'm selfish, really pissed me off and she's wrong. But that really stuck in my head and destroyed my training mojo.

My husband is not a bad guy. Albeit pretty lazy... and whiney, but even though he , he still gets up for my 5am races... He still watches the kids when I go off for 3 hours on the weekends to train and he did just buy me a watch to track my workouts. He's reluctantly supportive. Haha.

After talking with him about it, just explaining how I felt and why, it's already helped. We haven't made efforts to really go on dates. So I've been setting those up.

I've also been thinking about getting him a cheapy road bike for Valentines Day and try to encorporate him on some of my long rides (kids stay with babysitter til we can get a bike trailer) but he's fairly anti-recreational. I gotta be outside, moving often. I still have a lot to think about and I do a LOT more with my kids, mostly because of my husband's demanding job. Do I hold that against him? No. But did I get upset with his complaining and neediness, yeah, because in my eyes I thought "gee, I'm taking care of everyone and the house, how are you still not happy?" Not realizing, he doesn't care about clean laundry or a full fridge, he just wanted to hangout with me more. Face time.

I get it now. But originally, at the start of this massive internet rant, I just wanted to set my house on fire. Hahaha


Good to hear you were able to work it out. My wife thinks I am crazy to go for a 2 hour run or bike ride and wants no part of it. To each his own. I have found that if I workout early in the AM while she is still sleeping, it doesnt interfere with our time together. She is at every race and supports me, which is awesome. You can make it work, mostly through communication and planning. Good luck.
2015-02-09 12:54 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
To OP, glad to hear you are communicating.

Didn't mean to jump on you guys, actually appreciate how family focused many of the guys on BT are. Probably reflects being young (under 40) and socio-economic status (if you can afford this sport).

I'm just having a rough time myself. My 15 year old daughter is acting out and now just yelled at me how she can't wait to get away from us. She thinks it totally unreasonable that we won't let her go down to Virginia by herself to spend a week with a girl she meet at a religious youth group convention. Sorry we put that overly expensive week on our credit card! We don't know her, her family or friends. My daughter thinks she should be able to go cause she wants to go hang out on the beach!
Mind you I gave up a career to stay home with my kids. I nursed them and carried them around in a sling. We've spent a fortune on music, singing lessons, gymnastics, cheer (family trips up and down the coast for competitions) and that doesn't count what we've done for my son who's a year older. Though he's very sweet and kind, though my hubbie says he plays me. Don't get me wrong, we always gave in supportive ways, driving them everywhere because we supported their interests and wanted to give them all we could.

Sorry that I'm blowing off steam - it will probably pass, but it hurts to get kicked in the face after sacrificing so much. Sorry if this sounds bad, but it has been a sacrifice of time and money. We're saving nothing and we'll be putting them through college into our 60's.

Edited by MuscleMomma 2015-02-09 1:01 PM


2015-02-09 4:36 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Sorry that I'm blowing off steam - it will probably pass, but it hurts to get kicked in the face after sacrificing so much. Sorry if this sounds bad, but it has been a sacrifice of time and money. We're saving nothing and we'll be putting them through college into our 60's.

Sounds like you're harboring a lot of resentment. Remember your kids are teenagers and what they are going through is completely normal. Teenagers will often look for ways to assert their independence. You sound like nurturing parents, and you can explain to your daughter about how things cost money -- can she save up to go on her own trips when she is 16 or 17? I also suggest you read a bit about child development and the teenage brain to understand a bit about what they are doing.

Also remember that university education does not have to put YOU in debt-- they can share some of the cost through jobs and loans. I'm glad I live in Canada where this is expected rather than the opposite. (my kids are now 18 and 15)

Edited by jennifer_runs 2015-02-09 4:37 PM
2015-02-09 6:22 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

rizztalah - in order to show good faith in my responses I am willing to trade identical twin 14 year old girls for one of your children who is aggravating you the most.  I can send clothing, some food (they eat more in a day than I can ship), and at least one boyfriend that I would like to hang (yes, you can save a life).  If you have one, I would prefer a child under 10.  I may be willing to trade back when the twins are 18, but you will have to show proof that they are no longer fighting with each other, crying over every little thing, yelling demands, or hating their parents.

PM me for shipping information.

2015-02-09 7:43 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
I think I'm glad I have a boy. No drama (mostly)
2015-02-09 7:57 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by hessma I think I'm glad I have a boy. No drama (mostly)

I have one of those.....but he's outnumbered by 4....so we mostly lay low.

2015-02-09 9:12 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
We have one of each and I can firmly say the girl has been easier- but they both are great.


2015-02-10 4:49 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
I just went through something related.

Have done an Ironman, two Half Ironmen, tons of Olys and Sprints, two standalone marathons, 5 half marathons, tons of 10Ks and 5K. September of last year I met my soulmate. Engaged, moved in, going to be married in December. Stopped working out, started eating out, gained 28 lbs. I used to go to the gym 2-4 hours a day when I wasn't training (i.e. either tri train or either just keep fit with the gym...because I love it, not to lose weight). Then my priorities changed. I work nights and he works days so when I get home from work we spend time together and when I leave for work after he gets home we spend time together. There is no kind of exercise that is important enough to give up that time together. So the classes were not convenient anymore. And I don't want to train because I don't want to take the time to train. So I set up my life to have it all. Set up the trainer and got Sufferfest and Spinervals and learned a bunch of dumbbell only full body exercises and now I get home from work, we spend time together, I work out at home, do errands, sleep, wake up, spend time together, go to work, repeat. Going back down in weight. It's all about priorities and figuring out new ways to do things.
2015-02-10 9:17 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Left Brain - thanks, you made me laugh out loud.
2015-02-11 10:45 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by Left Brain

rizztalah - in order to show good faith in my responses I am willing to trade identical twin 14 year old girls for one of your children who is aggravating you the most.  I can send clothing, some food (they eat more in a day than I can ship), and at least one boyfriend that I would like to hang (yes, you can save a life).  If you have one, I would prefer a child under 10.  I may be willing to trade back when the twins are 18, but you will have to show proof that they are no longer fighting with each other, crying over every little thing, yelling demands, or hating their parents.

PM me for shipping information.




LMAO. That is awesome. I guess with my one 4 year old daughter I should realize I have it relatively easy right now.

I am thankful the original poster came back to post, people here have a lot of insight. Too bad the MIL doesn't use that energy for helping around the house instead of being a nag






Edited by neuronet 2015-02-11 10:45 AM
2015-02-11 10:50 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by Left Brain

rizztalah - in order to show good faith in my responses I am willing to trade identical twin 14 year old girls for one of your children who is aggravating you the most.  I can send clothing, some food (they eat more in a day than I can ship), and at least one boyfriend that I would like to hang (yes, you can save a life).  If you have one, I would prefer a child under 10.  I may be willing to trade back when the twins are 18, but you will have to show proof that they are no longer fighting with each other, crying over every little thing, yelling demands, or hating their parents.

PM me for shipping information.




LOL. I have Girl, Boy, Girl. The oldest girl is now out of the house and on her own and she should feel lucky to have survived (she actually turned out great). My youngest girl 14 is about to get drop kicked. "Breathe in, brathe out Daniel Son..."

The boy in the middle (17) has his challenges too but he is, for the most part, a drama-free individual.

Women are truly the best thing in the lives of men but the drama!!! Aaaagghhh... Women and drama. This thread is the perfect example of the hand-in-hand relationship of women and drama. I read about "blowing up on the MIL" and I thought "Nuclear: avoid at all costs".
2015-02-13 8:46 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
I have no right to complain, when I really think about it my kids are great. Do well in school, spend time with us, do sports. I should see that they are in H.S. and will be pushing limits. Came down so hard on them for drinking I'm worried that we'll make them too compliant.
My problem is expectations. I thought that if we focused on them, gave them everything we could, not material things but time, support, encouragement in interests etc. that they'd always be happy and we'd be frolicking in meadows surrounded by rainbows and unicorns...

Mitzi


2015-02-13 11:07 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by MuscleMomma Left Brain - thanks, you made me laugh out loud.

x2 - Funny! Some levity in the frustration of raising teenagers.

2015-02-13 12:39 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

I think one of the tricks of being really happy raising teenagers is being able to recognize those great moments that come from the years you put in raising your kids.  Most of them are small, and probably mean very little in the big picture, but if you can find a way to share in those moments with your kids then it becomes part of the family fabric.  But, you have to be there.....those moments don't come looking for you.  These pics are from a swim meet last night, when my daughter (black cap) and the girl racing next to her realized they swam together when they were 8-9 years old.....and hadn't seen each other since.  The joy on their faces makes some of those "discussions" about going to swim practice (the ones where you really aren't sure why you are putting yourself through it if it is such a pain in the arse) worth their weight in gold.  Neither of them swam a great race, but it's pretty obvious that neither of them cared once they found an "old" friend.  Catch those small moments and life always looks pretty damn good.

 

 

 





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2015-02-13 1:23 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by hessma I think I'm glad I have a boy cat. No drama (mostly)

 

FTFY

2015-02-14 1:38 PM
in reply to: MuscleMomma

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
I may get a lot of flack for saying such a thing, but I honestly believe that in order to be a GOOD mom, wife, partner, whatever, you need to be selfish on occasion in order to take care of yourself. If that means you need to carve out 60 minutes of time to workout, meditate, watch sappy television, whatever, then I don't see that as a bad thing. I think one who does such a thing, and who continues to see his or her needs AS important as the needs of others understands that in order for you to do a good job doing for others, you also need to be a happy and healthy yourself.

When I first married my husband, I tried to be the best partner I could be...at the detriment of my own happiness and health. I was absolutely MISERABLE, and it was because I put the needs of everyone else, especially him, ahead of mine. And yes, I resented how I felt.

When I started working out daily, I had to tell/discuss with my husband, "I will be working out from X:00 to X:00 tomorrow. I really need this time to better myself. Please understand." He was a little grumpy at first because I wasn't there for him all. the. time, but once he realized how much happier I was with myself, he saw how my 60 minutes of exercise each day improved my mood, my energy, and helped me not hate the person I looked at in the mirror each day. If I hadn't started being selfish, our marriage would not have lasted in the long run.

When I got into triathlon, new issues arose, particularly when I started training for half iron distances. Tri training involves a LOT of time, travel time (to the pool, to the lake, to where ever we 're going to bike (and of course, NO ONE can ever be on time) oftentimes more so than actual training. I had to do a better job carving "me time" out of our schedule so that it didn't impact our time together as much as I was allowing it to. I'm fortunate that he loves to golf on Saturdays and Sundays. It's perfect for long training blocks. He gets, "HIS" time, too.



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