BT Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, Part 2

Great.  Don't you love it when the moderators go off their medication?

I'm picturing Dick Cheney, hunting vest, shotgun, and a big poof of cotton dissipating into the air.  I'm not sure what else happens, but bye-bye Easter Bunny!

Shaquille O'Neal

Aaron Carter

Abraham Lincoln

Dick Cheney

The Easter Bunny

Mickey Rourke

Sarren Buffet

Jackie Chain

Loch Ness Monster

Dr. Evil

Taco Bell Chihuahua

The Easter Bunny vs. The Loch Ness Monster:

The Easter Bunny: "Do de do de doooo.  Hey, I need to take a dump right next to this lake."

[The Loch Ness Monster pokes it's head up above the water and stares at the bunny]

The Easter Bunny: "Hey there mighty creature!  I need to take a poop!  It comes out as small chocolate pellets, so it's nice and clean!" 

The Loch Ness Monster: "Well hello there Mr. Bunny!  I'm taking a poop as well right here on the shore!"

[The Easter Bunny poops and then looks around for some leaves or grass to wipe]

The Easter Bunny: "Tell me my large mythical friend, do you have trouble with poo sticking to your backside after a nice dump?"

The Loch Ness Monster : "Nope!"  [Nessie leans over and quickly grabs the Easter Bunny in her powerful jaws.  She wipes her butt with the Easter Bunny's snow white pelt. Then tosses the bunny aside].

The Easter Bunny: "ack!"

(Credit to Eddie Murphy for this one!)

The Loch Ness Monster wipes the Easter Bunny to death!

The Spirit of Honest Abe vs. Dick Cheney

Abe's spirit is quietly enjoying a night at the movies down here on earth.

Abraham Lincoln's Spirit: "Hmm this 'Blades of Glory' is a delightful romp.  What a lovely evening at the theater!"

[Dick Cheney sneaks into the curtains behind Honest Abe in his camo, shotgun in hand...]

Abraham Lincoln: "Darn Sour Patch Kids!" [Abe bends forward just as the shotgun goes off.

BLAMO!!!

Abraham Lincoln: "You dirty bastard!! I've been waiting for you to make the afterlife so I could give a a piece of my mind! But you gone and made a pact with Baalzebub!" [Abe takes off his black coat and rolls up his dress shirt sleeves] "It's about time a whup your undead lyin butt!"

Dick Cheney's skin turns white and his canines elongate.

Dick Cheney: "It was the only way I could live this long! Once I destroy your spirit, we'll forget all about your:'Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. '  We're created as equal as we can afford, Lincoln!  Now I'll send you back to the afterlife again!!!!!"

Abe Lincoln: "I said we were created equal! But you can go downhill from there!"  [Lincoln proceeds to bareknuckle the undead Cheney to a pulp.]

The Spirit of Abe Lincoln beats Undead Cheney to a pulp.

Dr. Evil vs. The Taco Bell Chihuahua

Dr. Evil: "Hello Number 2, Frau, Fat Bastard. I'd guess you're wondering why I brought you all here today?  Recently the splinter republic of Kervlakistahn has produced a superweapon in their efforts to control the Spanish speaking Communist regimes..... This weapon is a small robotic dog, a Chihuahua!"

Number Two: "But Dr.Evil, Taco Bell is a subsidiary of VirtuCon, perhaps we could influence the Chihuahua to do our own bidding, and even increase sales of Taco Bell Products..."

Dr. Evil: "SILENCE, Number Two!  I have set a trap for this Chihuahua, it is coming to our secret underground layer as we speak......."

[the Taco Bell Chihuahua enters the sliding metal door to the inner sanctum!]

Frau: "Vat is so scary! He's a eensie tiny little poopsie!"

[T.B.C. trots over to the Frau, turns around and cuts loose a deadly gas. pSSSFFFFFFTTT!]

T.B.C: "Yo quero Taco Bell?"

Dr. Evil: "Righhht. .......Fat Bastard!"

Fat Bastard: "Aww, you right wee little doogie!  I"M GONNA EAT YAH! I want my doggie back doggie back doggie back, ribs. I want my doggie back doggie back doggie back, ribs!"

[The dog takes a step back from Fat Bastard and is positioned over a trap door in the floor.  Dr. Evil pushes a button on his console]

Dr.  Evil: " And that is how it is done! We do not tolerate FAILURE!!!!"

***RING RING***

Dr. Evil: "Yes? Ah.  I see. Badly burned. Riiiiiight. Throw him in with the sea bass."

Number Two: "Ill-tempered sea bass."

Dr. Evil "Riiiight. MUAHAHA HA. MUA HA HA HA HA. MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  HA HA HA. ha ha. ha. Heh. heh. Whooo."

Dr. Evil Badly Burns and Feeds Taco Bell Chihuahua hua to Ill-Tempered Sea Bass.

Shaq vs. Aaron Carter vs. Sarah Buffet:

Shaq: "If you all surrender I won't force you to watch 'Kazaam!'"

Aaron Carter: "If you play 'Kazaam', I'll start singing!"

[Shaq brabs the puny carter and snaps his neck in one quick motion]

Sarah Buffet: "Works for me, Seeya"

Shaq breaks the neck of Aaron Carter and forces Buffet to retire or watch 'Kazaam'

Jackie Chan vs. Mickey Rourke

On the shoot of their newest buddy picture "Shanghai Harley"

Mickey Rourke: "Let's keep this real, I'm a method actor."

Chan: "OK."

[Jackie Chan pummels Rourke but only near to death.]

Jackie Chan pummels percieved gritty actor who is actually a wus method actor.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Nessie

 Nessie: "Yoo shure have a big heed, man!"

 Abraham Lincoln: "That's a stovepipe hat, Nessie"

Nessie "Yure like a big toothpick!"

Abraham Lincoln: "I'm a tall feller, that's for sure, Nessie.  And you are one hell of a sweet bonnie lass!"

Nessie: "!"........"?"

Abraham Lincoln, the great unifyer, subdues Nessie as his steed.

Dr. Evil vs. Shaq

Dr Evil: " I've taken the liberty of stealing your mojo, Mr. Shaq.  Now you are as cool as.....Kurt Rambis!!!!!!"

[Dramatic music plays!!!!]

Shaq: "Can you dig it????? CAN YOU DIG IT???????? well can you?  Where did my mojo go????!!!!"

Dr. Evil: "ZZZIPIT!  www.zipit.net.org!  I've taken your mojo with help from Dwayne Wade for fighting the rest of my opponents, Shaq!"

Dr. Evil Steals Shaq's Mojo!!! Shaq is less cool than Kurt Rambis and quits in shame.

Abraham Lincoln vs Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan: "Wha?"

CRUNCH!!!!

Abraham Lincoln watches Nessie bite the head off of Jackie Chan.

To the Next round: Dr. Evil and Abraham Lincoln!

Dick Cheney and Dr. Evil reunite as the evil twin brothers that they are.  Cheney shoots the Taco Bell Dog and the Easter Bunny while Dr. Evil taunts them.  “Yo quiero my head to be blown off!”  “Here comes Peter’s cottontail… because the rest of him was blown away!”

Warren Buffet buys Scotland, and as Nessie’s new owner commands her to eat the evil fraternal twin brothers.  Unfortunately for him, Nessie knows just enough English to think Buffet means buffet and eats him as well.

Shaq takes a swing at Jackie Chan, but Chan, using Aaron Carter as a weapon, takes down Shaq with a vicious blow to a vital….toe.  As usual, the big man is out until the playoffs.

Mickey Rourke is still trying to figure out why he wasn’t in Group 1 with Paris Hilton and Xena when Abe traps him under his giant stovepipe hat and rolls him down to where Nessie is snacking on the remains of Cheney and Dr. Evil.

Abe squares off against his remaining foes.  To his right is Jackie Chan twirling A.C. and to  his left is Nessie.  As they both begin to attack him he says to Nessie and A.C., “Neither of you has any substance.  You are both just images and packaging.  That is the truth.”  They both disappear, leaving Jackie Chan and Lincoln to advance.