Letter To Princeton Women (CNN)

I read the letter yesterday and I believe I understand what she is trying to say. Though you do not have to get married to be happy most of us will wind up married at some point. In that sense yes our future happiness will be linked to who we marry for good or ill. Additionally yes it is more likely that men can/will marry "down" in intellect, social status, accomplishment etc. women cannot/will not. It has been the social norm that women marry "up" for a very long time. Because of that societal norm it tends to be an ingrained into our mate seeking behavior. I don't believe she is saying that Princton is the only pool per se. What she is saying is that the whatever school you are in the concentration of "acceptable" males is higher than when you leave school. If only 30% of the population goes to college and if you consider college students to be, on the whole the brightest of the population then she is correct in theory. Before I get flamed unmercifully, not all the bright people go to college and not all the people in college are the brightest of the bunch, however, the concentration is higher in college than out in "The World". Therefore she is also functionally correct. Given the premis her argument follows logically, however I think the message/argument will get lost in the emotion of the original statement about marriage and happiness.

So she is saying the odds are good at Princeton.  Reminds me of a girl's quote about the guys at Carnegie-Mellon, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."  I imagine the quote has used to describe the guys at many schools.  I don't know where it originally came from.  I heard it first at CMU.

TW

I saw that on tv the other day...I agree with her.  It wasn't like she was telling the women in the audience to give up their careers...I thought she was being quite realistic.  Good for her!

Very astute Kate. The only part of the original statement I would disagree with is the find the mate while on campus bit. I don't think we're the same people we are 2-5 years after graduating that we are while still in school. Given that potential for larger than normal change plus the probability that those 2-5 years post graduation could be some of the most fun, exciting, discovery, defining years of ones life, I would probably encourge my daughters (only to the extent that they would listen to me) to take their chances and wait.

* In my case I am one of the fortunate males to marry up in everything- intelligence, class, looks.

1) Since the author of that letter is recently divorced, I'm sure there's a lot of baggage driving her words. So I take them with a grain of salt.

2) NO ONE can have it all. (not even ivy leaguers)

3) I feel bad for her 2 boys. They were the fruit of her.. regretful marriage? Sometimes parents say/do/write really dumb things. 

Point one could be true to some extent.

Point two is incorrect...I know because I do believe I have it all.  

I was fortunate enough to meet the love of my life at college over 20 years ago.  We married over 15 years ago.  I would put forth circumstances may change, but people don't.  I don't think the speaker was advocating these Ivy Leaguers all drop everything and elope...she was just reminding ladies in the audience there's nothing wrong with recognizing the amazing opportunities that surround them at this time. 

People change all the time. Sickness, depression, job loss, addiction. I can understand your sentiments and agree in the sense that I've been married almost 17year to a wonderful caring man that I love very much..

But it hasn't always been all hearts and roses.

If you've been able to carry a 20 year marriage of all hearts and roses.. wonderful. 

I certainly wasn't ready for marriage when I graduated from college. I didn't even know where I wanted to live, much less was I ready to commit to a lifetime of matrimony. 

I was lucky in that I too did not know where I wanted to live or what job I wanted to take, but I also knew who I wanted by my side helping me figure it all out!

I do not think the idea is that Princeton is the only place to find them except that that is where the talk was being given.  Had the talk been at UCLA it would have been "find a man at UCLA". 

At no point did she say you needed a husband to get through life but the reality is most of us will marry at some point.  As such, a large part of our future happiness will be linked to the person we marry.

~Fixed by her ex-husband~....because probably neither one of them has a clue.  I've been happily married for 20 years, mostly because I understand that my wife is NOT responsible for my happiness, nor I hers.  It's life.  It's up and down and sideways.....but being happy is a state of mind......and you own it.

Agreed and along with gr33n's point - those years after school without a SO let me do what really made sense for me.  To stretch and grow - i was not mature enough to really be thinking about marriage and all that goes along with it.

And the BF's i did have in university were NOT better than the man I married.  In fact, I shake my head at some of the things I put up with.  But then, I didn't go to Princeton. :P I have to say that my husband now is WAY better than any of the guys I met in university! I don't feel as though any 'got away'. I think 'good riddance'  - though, geography has something to do with it. I moved to a city where there were lots of young professional people.  If my career had taken me to a smaller city where there was less opportunity in general I might agree more but own experience and friends give me examples of successful relationships both that started in school and those that started after.

Everyone has their valid points - the idea isn't 'wholly bad' or even completely off-base but let's remember individual circumstance.  I came into my marriage more mature, more financially independent and stable which put our whole relationship on more steady footing - even though we didn't meet at school.  (we met at a running clinic - even better!)

Linked does not mean dependent on it means just that, linked.  Note you said happily married and because my wife understands, seems to me your happiness has been linked to your wife.

Sure, that's valid.......but whether or not I am happy (or she is) has nothing to do with whether or not I am married.  I'm happy with my wife, I'd be happy if I wasn't married.  I can't imagine she wouldn't be either. We're happy people.......our marriage is a happy one because each of us are.

The quote DOESN'T say anything about a happy marriage.....it says "your happiness will be...linked to the man you marry."  No wonder she isn't married anymore.

Again that is not sayin that you must be married to be happy but that most people will be married at some point in their lives and so our future happiness will be linked to the person we marry.

Not mine.

I would be willing to bet you spouse could make your life utterly miserable if she so chose. 

Patton’s words from her letter: “As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?”

LMFAO!!!!!! Yeah Princeton girls!! Get with the system biatches!

HA!!  My first wife tried.....she failed miserably. 

I'm not going to allow anyone the power to make my life miserable.....not then, not now, not ever.  Yes, I'm very fortunate to be married to a woman who is also a happy person....but if she wasn't.....buh-bye.

But that is the point she tried, you left, but there was a time in there where things were less than stellar or you would not have left.  Like it or not intertwining your life with someonelses means that you are subject to the ups and downs of their life as well as your own.  It does not mean your entire life will be predicated or dependant on the other person but just that you will share in their joys and sorrows.

The second time you chose more wisely, that is sort of the point.  You need to choose wisely as that person will have an impact on your life.

I see what you are saying but I think it is more a matter of concentration than exclusivity.  If you are in the top 10 % of schools academically in the country then the likelyhood is that you are within say the top 20% of intellectis in the country.  Where else are you going to get a significant concentration of males of like intellect except in one of the top 10% of the schools in the country.  Those males exist elsewhere but they are more spread out in the "elsewhere"

I would agree that fundamentally, we are responsible for our own happiness.  But in reality?  The people and events around us have a huge impact and somewhat determine our happiness.

If your spouse cheated on you and took your kids and half the belongings?  Sure, you are responsible for your own happiness and can choose to not be sad.  But is that realistic?  He/she is walking away with everything that's important to you so laugh and smile because you simply choose to be happy?  I guess they didn't MAKE you be sad, but sure made it difficult to not be.

A drunk driver kills your family.  Yeah, you are responsible for your happiness and can laugh it off if you want.  I guess the drunk drive didn't MAKE you be sad by killing your family.  That was your choice.

Your son becomes a drug addict and steals and uses you.  Yes, again, you can choose to be happy.  They didn't MAKE you be sad, disapointed, angry or hurt.

If your life is better and filled with more joy by finding someone wonderful to be with?  Yeah, maybe you can choose to be happy with that or not.  But do they give you the ability to be more happy?  I can't imagine being happier without my wife.  I would be happy, because that's up to me, but perhaps she provide the opportunity for more happiness?

We are responsible for our lives and happiness and can choose to surround ourselves with the people and things that give us joy...  But do they really give us joy if we can simply choose to take joy?

So when someone says their spouse or children or job makes them happy, I know what they mean and don't get on them for not being responsible for their happiness.  They mean that they are happy, and possibly sad, because of the people/events in their life.