Wednesday Funny

I know this has been out there for alittle while but not sure if its been posted here.  Brought some laughter to me today and hope it will to some of you.

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY
$HIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-...
That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh,
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still
looking for my testicles!!  I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,

Earl