Can you teach competitiveness.?

Oh man, we just had three 10-page threads about this in tri talk. You can enjoy sports without being competitive.

That's all I'm gonna say about this.

ETA one brief note: my sis swam competitively for a long time. The kids whose parents were always on their case about "winning" and being the best, etc (aka the "swim parents), were the ones who burned out and quit...interesting...

Don't pressure the kids.  Show them what you can, ask questions, let them find the interest.  If they have the interest, it'll come to them.  Why put so much emphasis on it?

The same questions are asked when I coach, but I accept it.  You don't want to be a drill Sargeant, but you need to make it interesting, do short repetitions, and keep them moving.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, KEEP IT FUN!!

Sorry! Missed the tri talk threads...probably coz I dont go there that often!...:-)

I have 2-kids.  My 10-year old daughter is pretty competitive.  My 7-year old son not so much.  We're working on teaching my daughter that it's not about winning or being the best all of the time.  Especially in sports...it should be fun!

We have a neighbor with an 8-year old boy that hangs with my son.  He's involved in every sport.  It's not unusually for him to drop by our house after a game crying because his dad has jumped all over him for not doing his best at the game.  I really feel bad for the kid!

You are a lucky man!

I was not a great athlete in high school, although I did earn three letters my senior year (soccer, wrestling and track).  But I was never competitive.  However, I seemed to hit my stride in college.  I became much  more competitive. 

I don't know if it was about more confidence and what-not.  But I found I was able to push myself and found the internal urge for competition-- bettering myself.  I am a horrible triathlete.  I am slow.  I swim ok. I bike pathetically.  I run at the front of the back of the pack.  But I see myself as competing against a great deal within.

Was it taught?  Is it innate?  I don't know.  I just know I spend a great deal of time internally, since I am an introvert.  I compete mostly against myself and am happy with that.  

Just my $.02

I think this is where the line is drawn with the two scholls of thought.  - One side says your kid will be what they will be and just encourage them....on the other hand I think they need a little bump or exposure to the competitive side so that they know what they are either missing or avoiding....a lot of competition has been taken out of society in general...and thats not a good thing IMHO

I'm in the camp that says accept your children for who you are - isn't that the lesson of unconditional love? That you will accept and love them, even when their priorities and choices differ from yours. Give them that and they will believe in themselves and discover their potential. Tell or show them, however indirectly, that they are somehow lacking because they don't have the same fire for competition that you think they should, and you risk undermining their belief in themselves.

My personal anecdote about a father thinking he could shove a competitive drive down his kid's throat: I am one of 5 girls. We all were on a swim team (for me, since age 7). My father made me swim. I showed up to practice (had no choice), I participated, I did not compete when I race. I just swam to get the event over with. He could make me comply, but he couldn't make me commit. I never pushed myself, though I did enjoy being in the pool with my sisters and going to swim meets.  My oldest sister was state champ when she was sophomore in high school; she had a fire in her belly for it. I do have a competitive spirit. My spirit is such that if someone tries to force their priorities on me, I will find a way to subvert their wishes.  If I am in an unequal power situation (child to parent), then I'll do it indirectly. As an adult, I'll do it directly. No one gets to impose their priorities on me and, as an adult, I get to hold my boundaries. Children, unfortunately, are often not in a position to demand that an adult respect their boundaries.

As far as competition goes ... I think the real issue you are talking about is the desire to achieve. There are 4 personality temperaments and each of the 4 temperaments have a desire to achieve but for different reasons. 1) Just for the attention/notice it will bring (Madonna); 2) to be noticed for the accomplishment (Bill Gates, Margaret Thatcher); 3) to be noticed for their efficiency (Mr Spock); 4) to be noticed for how well liked they are (Michael Jordan, Mr Rogers).

So, if you want to promote a love of achievement in your children, then you need to learn who they are and what temperament they are. Learn their temperament then you will know what reward matters to them. Trying to tweak your kids' performance based upon your temperament/reward is not going to work, unless your kid has the same temperament.

All I know is I had to teach my 8 and 9 year olds on the soccer team I coached that it's actually okay to want to win.  And it's okay to be dissappointed when you lose.

And I'm pretty sure there were more than 4 personality types on the team.

Not 4 personality types.

4 personality temperaments.

There are 16 personality types. (4 within each temperament)

Renee - interesting stuff on the temperament approach...any books you recommend on that subject?

I've been using this site for years; has a nice overview on the 4 temperaments. Also, typelogic.com has pretty good explanations of all 16 types.  There is a ton of reading out there. Start clicking on the links and you will have hours and hours of reading.

Also, I read/used this book over 15 years ago. Really good reading. Personal Styles & Effective Performance by David W. Merrill and Roger H Reid

It might do you a bit of good to learn what your own temperament is. 

Umm, okay, I'm lost.  Explain to me where I said it WAS okay for the behaviors you mentioned?

You're attacking a point I didn't even appear to make.

I think runningwoof had some bad experiences with the overly competitive kids....I dont see anyone advocating the in your face approach..mark it down to a forum discussion misinterpretation!....

BUT - I will say Aikado was right - my kids are competitive with each other, and at board/video games etc..want to win...but NOT when they go to a sporting event.....why and can you develop it?

And you're sure there's not a 17th out there that got missed?

For the record - I firmly believe we should attempt to understand the personality difference between ourselve and those we work/live/interact with.  I just believe that DISC, Myers-Briggs, Keirsey, etc create categories that are themselves much too broad.

"Why and can you develop it?"

That is such a broad question; only the broadest of answers is possible.

I'll toss this idea out there. How your siblings interact with/compete with each other is not necessarily how they will interact with someone outside the family unit. Their behavior with their peers will be motivated based upon their priorities.

I found some better descriptors in my old training papers (I love this subject).

How each temperament measures their personal worth:

• The Relater - attention from others
• The Socializer - acknowledgment, recognition, applause
• The Thinker - precision, accuracy, and progress
• The Director - results, track record

If you are a Director, then you derive a sense of personal worth (the thing that fuels your desire to achieve) from showing results. You might have not a single friend on your team because of your focus on your results, to the exclusion of your interpersonal relationships. But you're a winner! And that satisfies the Director. (See Dick Cheney as an archetype)

On the other hand, if you are a Relater, then your relationships with others is paramount. You derive a sense of personal worth by the quality of your friendships and associations. You may not be the fastest runner on your track team, but you are the most well-regarded for your friendliness and loyalty. Bear in mind, Relaters can be very well accomplished (see Michael Jordan).

Directors often make Relaters uncomfortable, and vice-versa, because when they don't understand or accept each others' priorities. 

Your temperament alone may be acting at cross-purposes to your desired outcome, simply because your temperament is clashing with your kid's temperament. What gives you a sense of personal worth is not necessarily what will give your kid a sense of personal worth.

By withholding your approval of them (not saying you are doing this), you can adversely affect their sense of personal worth.