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2012-10-12 8:31 PM

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Subject: WWCOJD?
Yes, What Would Cup Of Joe Do? Can't ask this one on Facebook - besides they are my "friends" but COJ feels like family...

I am a very happily married woman of 21 years
I'm 44 years old - average weight and height
I'm no Heidi Klum or Demi Moore (far cry from it) but I'd like to think I'm not unattractive either
We've lived in our house for 14 years and had the same neighbors for 13 (they moved in the year after us - new construction)
We get along great with ALL the neighbors in the area
The next store neighbor's wife and I both lost almost 75 pounds about 10 years ago
I've kept my weight off and she's been gaining hers back recently (see 3rd comment - I'd describe her the same)
Over the summer neighbor commented to me on multiple occassions about wife going through menopause and not very interested in "bedroom" activities and then told me that she'd read 50 Shades of Gray (as did both his adult daughters) and I would like it (not interested in reading it btw)
Anytime he saw me out running over the summer would slow down and comment on how "great" I looked or how "hot" I was (ok, he's a flirt?) Thanks but weird....
Yesterday got a text from the neighbor asking if I was home (I wasn't) and then could I come over when I got home (sure - is everything ok?) yes.
Got to the house to find him babysitting his 10 month old grandson - cute as a button little guy sound asleep on the couch. I hadn't seen him since the summer when mom went back to work.
Appropriate ooh and aahing over cute baby, who then wakes up - so I go to leave and then

he kissed me

no not the baby - my neighbor.

As I went to leave (he was holding the baby) I said goodbye - and leaned over to kiss baby on the head (as I've done many times before) - neighbor says "I don't get a kiss?" HUH? um, ok, go to give nice neighborly peck on the cheek and he turns and smacks me right on the lips. I lean back, say "see you soon" and leave - he comments that he misses "flirting" with me (I've tried to not run when I know he'd be coming home/going to work) I make a comment about the weather changing being inside more....and go home.

Is this weird or am I overreacting? I didn't mention anything to my husband, which is also bothering me - I don't keep secrets from him, not that this is a secret but how on earth do you tell your husband that your neighbor kissed you - and make no mistake this wasn't a you lean left, I'll lean right and we bump, it was intentional. Other than keeping my distance what do you do?



2012-10-12 8:42 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Him-------------------line-------------OK

Way over. As much as you may not want it to; it just got weird.

As you may or may not know, I'll make innuendos and jokes about sexual behavior, but never would I ever do something inappropriate like that. Besides; i'm not that kind of person

They likely are in a huge mariital rut, but that's totally independent of how he acted towards you. If their marriage isn't meeting his needs, deal with that. But don't be a coward and cheat or try to thereby selling everyone short.

What do you do? Tell the neighbor directly? Tough to do, but maybe hearing it from you directly, he knows what a jerk he is.

Edited by pitt83 2012-10-12 8:43 PM
2012-10-12 8:48 PM
in reply to: #4452182

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Exactly - I was ok with the flirting - not my thing - but it is some people's and who doesn't like a compliment?

Was too shocked in the moment (and the day since) to even consider what to say to him - but it probably is the best approach...still weird not telling my hubby though....
2012-10-12 8:57 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Yep...he crossed the line. You need to do the best to avoid him but he is your neighbor and he probably looks to see when you are out. Take it as a compliment but let him know that you are not the least bit interested. Hopefully that will put an end to it.
2012-10-12 9:01 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

He's way over the line and you're not over reacting.  If I did that to another woman my wife would be doing a "Bobbit".

I think I'd be resentful of even being put in this position.  I'd really hate to do it but he needs to know his actions were not appreciated. 

Good luck.

2012-10-12 9:18 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Master
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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Yes it is weird. No you are not over reacting. Guy has some brass ones.


2012-10-12 9:20 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

I agree with everyone else - WAY over the line. 

My reaction to it though would be to definitely say something to him and sooner rather than later so he doesn't get the idea that it was somehow okay, or worse... that you welcomed it. 

This is definitely NOT something that you want to escalate, so best to have the conversation of, "you know when I was leaving your house the other day and you kissed me? Though I'm flattered, I really wasn't okay with that, and it's not going to happen again" 

Best of luck! 

2012-10-12 9:42 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

This reminds me a bit of the Modern Family episode guest starring Greg Kinnear...but in this case, the guy sounds like a real creep.

It is weird, you are not overreacting.

Hindsight's always 20-20, but a good kick to his jewels would have been well-deserving.  I would not acknowledge the jerk again, period.  (my wife disagrees with me on that) but I guess I'm too spiteful!    Actually, as usual, I think my wife's right...she recommends confronting this dope the next time he's outside (stay outside) make it crystal clear what he did was extremely wrong, I'm telling my spouse because we have a strong marriage, one in which we don't keep secrets, (and of course tell your spouse).  

...oh, one more thing, my wife and I both agree "neighborly pecks on the cheek..." not a good idea...even with non-creepy neighbors.

2012-10-12 9:44 PM
in reply to: #4452222

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
I don't and have never kissed (even on the cheek) any of my neighbors before and don't plan to make it a practice - just in the moment seemed like the only way to handle the akward situation.
2012-10-13 12:26 AM
in reply to: #4452223

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

wwlani - 2012-10-12 9:44 PM I don't and have never kissed (even on the cheek) any of my neighbors before and don't plan to make it a practice - just in the moment seemed like the only way to handle the akward situation.

It's weird, and you're going to have to tell him it's out of line.

You just are.

You may have to tell your husband as well.....unless you want that between you.  That's your business but, weird being weird, you're going to want to be in front of it if he decides to make some stupid comment (weirdness follows weirdness) to your husband.

You've got to live next to the goofball....might as well deal with it.

 



Edited by Left Brain 2012-10-13 12:44 AM
2012-10-13 6:06 AM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Just my opinion, but I think you should 1. Tell your husband 2.  Tell the neighbor in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in pursuing any type of relationship.  Be clear, not wishy washy, or he won't think you're  serious.  Plus, if he knows that your husband is aware of his activities, that will help enforce the message.


2012-10-13 6:30 AM
in reply to: #4452190

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

Flirt = me

Looking to get some = your neighbor

a) I would never comment on my "bedroom life" about my wife in a negative way, but then again, I have little reason to.

b) I would never kiss a neighbor on the lips.

Send your husband over to kick his !

 

2012-10-13 8:38 AM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

He either wants to do you or he wants a good looking girl like yourself to make him feel good about himself. Based on what you said I think more the former and not very smart on his part you being his neighbor.

IMO I think saying something about the situation to your husband would be the right thing to do, there is no need to cover for the neighbor who didn't just cross a line but but clearly jumped over it.

I would definately say something to the neighbor. Something to the affect that you value the friendship but him compliments on your hotness and him trying to kiss you makes you feel uncomfortable. I personally wouldn't change my schedule due to him but would probably come off a bit cold for a while as well. If he makes any issue of you being distant/cold just say it's a time thing,,,,,, which isn't a lie if you don't have time for an affair with him.

Good luck, these situations suck when people put you in them.

2012-10-13 8:47 AM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
WOW. It is weird. And you are NOT overacting at all.

First off, tell your husband. Just tell him like you told us. It will make you feel better, not keeping that secret, and you did nothing wrong.

I would stay far away from that neighbor. He's obviously wanting to try to "get some" from his hot neighbor. No need to go over and visit unless his wife is home.

You might even consider having a conversation with him, with your husband present. But your husband needs to be a silent observer (sitting down, so he's not intimidating). But he needs to know that you mean what you are saying. Make it very clear that kissing you is NOT appropriate.

You could take a more casual approach, but he might not take it as seriously.

Sorry it happened to you. YUCK.

2012-10-13 8:48 AM
in reply to: #4452324

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
pga_mike - 2012-10-13 6:30 AM

Flirt = me

Looking to get some = your neighbor

a) I would never comment on my "bedroom life" about my wife in a negative way, but then again, I have little reason to.

b) I would never kiss a neighbor on the lips.

Send your husband over to kick his !

 



With regards to "b"... exactly!

2012-10-13 8:58 AM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

This is a bad situation.  He is way over the line.  Now you have to decide what to do. 

You have told us a good bit about the situation that happened but not enough to really advise you.  You have three people whom you may need to talk to, your husband, his wife, and the jerk.  You have to estimate what they will do based on your actions and take the best course for you.  It is not always best to confront the jerk.  It may be best to avoid him and keep him in the dark so that he doesn't know what to do next.  It may be best to avoid his wife if she is the type gossipy type who would poison your friendships with other people.  It may be best to keep silent with your husband if he is likely to either blame you or do something violent to the jerk.  You have to estimate the consequences and pick the situation you want to deal with next.  In general, I think it is best to get things out in the open but that approach has backfired on me too.  At this point you control the information because the jerk doesn't know what to do.  The next situation is really controlled by the person or persons you tell.

Good luck.  You might pray for a sink hole to open up and swallow the guy's house.  That would work nicely.

TW



2012-10-13 11:24 AM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

C r e e p y!! Tell hubby if he's a reasonable sort and have him go over there and reasonably discusss with neighbor how inappropriate this interaction was, problem solved. (Kind of old fashioned but I come from a family with 4 older protective brothers, intimidation alone works wonders!)

Patsy 

2012-10-13 12:04 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

Tell the husband.  Then when see the neighbor, act if nothing has happen and see if he stops. 

If he still try to create situation where you and him would be together by yourselves, or making flirty comments, then tell him straight, something like
"Thank you for the complements, but I am not the flirting type of person.  What you have been doing is  beyond flirting and this needs to stop."  

If he still continue, or "jokingly" say he will continue, then tell him "in that case I will have to stop being friends with you.  You are making me uncomfortable and I don't like it".  

Straight and clear.  

2012-10-13 2:04 PM
in reply to: #4452174

Iron Donkey
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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Kick him in the ding-ding.  HARD!
2012-10-13 2:27 PM
in reply to: #4452538

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
D.K. - 2012-10-13 12:04 PM

Tell the husband.  Then when see the neighbor, act if nothing has happen and see if he stops. 

If he still try to create situation where you and him would be together by yourselves, or making flirty comments, then tell him straight, something like
"Thank you for the complements, but I am not the flirting type of person.  What you have been doing is  beyond flirting and this needs to stop."  

If he still continue, or "jokingly" say he will continue, then tell him "in that case I will have to stop being friends with you.  You are making me uncomfortable and I don't like it".  

Straight and clear.  

Too polite.  How about - "Your behavior is offensive and will not be tolerated". End of story, no explanations, no threats, no thank yous, no nonsense.

His flirting is not a compliment - it is actually very rude and disrespectful to the relationship built for years as neighbors.

The kiss is beyond rude and way too creepy. If it were me I would avoid him like the plague. I would have already freaked out and told my husband something like "You won't believe what that jerk next door just did".  I would seriously want to move. Forget about running in the neighborhood when he is home which you said you already avoid. Terrible.

I like the sink hole idea. Sorry this happened .

 

2012-10-13 3:05 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

There are plenty of studies that show men and women cheat equally.. and there are a lot that do. I do not. I never have. That is not my thing. Others can live their life how they want, but that is how I live mine.

Nothing cute, or innocent about it .... he is way way past the line. Not only is he over the line in his marriage...he is over the line in yours. If someone came on to me, I would be offended that they would think that I think so little of my marriage. This does not just happen out of the blue. There is plenty of time to let people know where you stand. So I would like to think others would know where I stand long before something like this... but if not, they most certainly would after. (and no, I am not in any way shape or form implying you did nothing.)

As far as what to do about it... well that comes down to your personality and how you generally handle things. Some would go ballistic, some would go on with their business and avoid him. I don't know what you should do. I would make it crystal clear that he f'ed up and what he does is his business, but it will never involve you. This is how things escalate... you keep thinking the person gets the message, but they don't. I like the nuclear option. There would be no mistake or mixed signals.

Telling your husband... that is tough. Make absolutely ZERO mistake about this.... it will effect their relationship. I can say all I want about how I would deal with a hypothetical situation, but if my wife comes home and tells me our neigbour/friend made a pass at her.... ya, there are going to be problems, and no, we are not going to laugh about it some day. As sucky as that is though... I do not keep secrets from my wife... and most certainly not about this. We all think of our options with the best outcomes in mind... it won't happen again, you handled it, everyone gets along... No, something else happens... his wife finds out... one day sees your hubby and blows up at him and tells him you kissed her husband.... no way my wife finds out from anyone but me right after it happens. I get a day to process... but a week or a month, unacceptable. You didn't do anything wrong. What happens is on him. He caused that. Once I start covering that up... now that's on me. I like to keep guilt to a minimum in my life these days.

It's a real bummer he screwed all this up and you are left dealing with the mess. That sucks for you. I would hate to be in the same position.



Edited by powerman 2012-10-13 3:10 PM


2012-10-13 3:27 PM
in reply to: #4452174

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Austin, Texas or Jupiter, Florida
Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
I'd tell my wife. I'd probably go with wife to tell neighbor never to talk to me again. He crossed a line and that's not something you or your spouse should leave to fester.

May not be time to tell his wife yet. But if he ever does something else, it'll be time.

Good luck.
2012-10-14 12:11 PM
in reply to: #4452647

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
powerman - 2012-10-13 4:05 PM

There are plenty of studies that show men and women cheat equally.. and there are a lot that do. I do not. I never have. That is not my thing. Others can live their life how they want, but that is how I live mine.

Nothing cute, or innocent about it .... he is way way past the line. Not only is he over the line in his marriage...he is over the line in yours. If someone came on to me, I would be offended that they would think that I think so little of my marriage. This does not just happen out of the blue. There is plenty of time to let people know where you stand. So I would like to think others would know where I stand long before something like this... but if not, they most certainly would after. (and no, I am not in any way shape or form implying you did nothing.)

As far as what to do about it... well that comes down to your personality and how you generally handle things. Some would go ballistic, some would go on with their business and avoid him. I don't know what you should do. I would make it crystal clear that he f'ed up and what he does is his business, but it will never involve you. This is how things escalate... you keep thinking the person gets the message, but they don't. I like the nuclear option. There would be no mistake or mixed signals.

Telling your husband... that is tough. Make absolutely ZERO mistake about this.... it will effect their relationship. I can say all I want about how I would deal with a hypothetical situation, but if my wife comes home and tells me our neigbour/friend made a pass at her.... ya, there are going to be problems, and no, we are not going to laugh about it some day. As sucky as that is though... I do not keep secrets from my wife... and most certainly not about this. We all think of our options with the best outcomes in mind... it won't happen again, you handled it, everyone gets along... No, something else happens... his wife finds out... one day sees your hubby and blows up at him and tells him you kissed her husband.... no way my wife finds out from anyone but me right after it happens. I get a day to process... but a week or a month, unacceptable. You didn't do anything wrong. What happens is on him. He caused that. Once I start covering that up... now that's on me. I like to keep guilt to a minimum in my life these days.

It's a real bummer he screwed all this up and you are left dealing with the mess. That sucks for you. I would hate to be in the same position.

Great post...and the bolded part is the best.  

2012-10-19 1:33 PM
in reply to: #4452647

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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?
Not that it is any of our business, but.... ???
2012-10-19 1:43 PM
in reply to: #4452321

Master
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Subject: RE: WWCOJD?

Honey~Badger - 2012-10-13 4:06 AM Just my opinion, but I think you should 1. Tell your husband 2.  Tell the neighbor in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in pursuing any type of relationship.  Be clear, not wishy washy, or he won't think you're  serious.  Plus, if he knows that your husband is aware of his activities, that will help enforce the message.

Agree.

Tell your husband before HE tells your husband.  If you just shoot this guy down, he may feel vengeful.  Some jerk like that will dress it up to sound like you were the one making advances.



Edited by spudone 2012-10-19 1:44 PM
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