Work, Family, & ... Triathlons? Musings About the Squeeze of it All. (Page 2)

It comes down to what my Dad told me:  "Everything in life is a trade off".  It sounds negative but the comment is only as negative as YOU let it be.

It sounds to me like you have a good handle on what's most important.  Don't let go of that handle, and yes communicate with your wife and kids about how things are going.

There's lots of pretty good advice here.  My strategies duplicate what some others have said, but here goes (and of course this reflects my particular family situation -- others are no doubt different):

* Make training as invisible as possible.  The vast majority of my training is done when my family is not around.  My wife knows that I train a lot, but I make sure that it is not 'in her face'.  I NEVER ask her to change her schedule so that I can train.  (As in: "Honey can you be sure to be home by 4:00 so I can get my bike ride in?"  That's a no-no in my book).  So, I often run early in the morning before she is awake, or swim during my lunch hour, etc.  I'm very fortunate that my work hours are very flexible (there are a LOT of them, but they are flexible), which helps a lot of course.  I also try to make other aspects of training invisible -- I wash my own workout clothes (there are a LOT of them!); instead of going to sleep at 8pm I take a nap in the middle of the day so that I can be awake a bit longer, etc..

* When training isn't invisible, ask.  The one regular exception to the above is long rides on Saturday (and there are other exceptions from time to time).  They start at 5am, but often don't end until 10am.  Our kids are trained to get themselves breakfast and not disturb my wife (let her sleep in), so this has worked out OK, and I always ask several days in advance whether it's OK.  When it's not OK, I find an alternative.

* Chores before training.  I never leave my wife with obvious chores to do while I'm training.  Example:  if there is a sink full of dirty dishes, I wash them before I leave for a morning run, especially if I know that my wife will be awake by the time I get back.  (If she won't be, I might wash them when I get back instead.  Same principle.)  I don't want her to be washing dishes, putting away laundry, whatever, and thinking "Mr. I-have-to-swim is playing at the pool while babushka here is schlepping underwear around the house."

* Involve the kids.  I involve my kids in my training whenever possible.  Sometimes I take the older two to the pool with me.  When I was pool-running a lot this summer, I took all of them to the pool with me.  When I first started, I often pushed the youngest in a jogging stroller (not practical now).  I often have one or two of the older ones ride their bikes with me while I run.

* Discuss the race schedule. I never ask my wife to come to a race.  Ever.  I know that it is harder for her (with the kids) than it is for me.  We discuss my racing plans at the beginning of the year and decide together what is reasonable within our family constraints, and so she knows when I'm racing.  Occasionally she wants to come, and that's great.  Mostly she doesn't.  When I get home from a race, I don't yammer on about it.  I get cleaned up and offer to do something with the kids.

Of course, there are other things -- keep lines of communication open; be supportive of her hobbies; make family time; etc.  These are just normal parts of a healthy family life.  The 'rules' above are just my tri-specific rules.

Following these rules and some common sense has allowed me to hold down a busy job, volunteer several hours per week, and train 15-20 hours per week, and stay happily married.  Pretty much everything else has been cut out of my life, though.  I don't watch TV; I don't go to movies; I don't play computer games; I have essentially zero social life, etc..

Like most others, I find that communication is the key.

I got DH on Google calendar and I have a sub-calendar called Training.  I put all of my workouts on there as day events so he can see what is coming up.  We discuss all out of town events and any races that I want to do (local or otherwise).  We also discuss anything that will run into the afternoon on weekends. 

excellent post (I bolded the most important - and hardest to swallow, part for the OP)

excellent post (I bolded the most important - and hardest to swallow, part for the OP)

Its tough to balance it all...I'm currently a stay at home mom to 3 boys (3-1/2 year old twins and a 17 month old).  I just got bit by the TRI bug myself and have done 1 sprint, with 2 more planned this season...maybe an Oly, we'll see.
I struggle to squeeze in my work-outs so they don't conflict too much with family time but there are only so many hours in the day.  Early morning swims, running with the jogging stroller, bike rides after hubby gets home from work or planning work-outs around hubby's work-outs or the kids' activity schedules...it does feel a bit like a circus when you are going, going, going all day with then have to get your work-out in before crashing for a few hours.  To the OP, I agree that you can only do the best that you can do, while still keeping your family first. 
I do sometimes wonder if its possible to fit it all in around family/kids, etc. and still be competitive in TRI?? 

Crazy

This may explain why I started doing this crazy sport after my kids were out of the house and my son was a senior in college.

I suggest you scale back your RACE plans and focus on your family first.

Kevin

Edited by b2673ad 2010-08-25 6:53 PM

I'll disagree about it not getting easier as they get older. Its gotten much easier for me. My oldest is old enough to stay home and baby sit my younger one, so I don't have to worry about scheduling or having one person home in order to go for a ride or run. They are also old enough that they do chores...dishes, garbage, vacuuming, laundry, etc. I can give them a list of chores, head out for a run and say, "bye! Get the dishes done and vacuum while I'm gone!" Works out quite nicely to get in a work out and come home to a clean house.  They can also come with me on runs/rides or to swim laps at the gym and do it independently. My son swam about 1500m the other day in the lane next to me at the gym and my daughter runs with me on my short runs all the time. Plus I can just tell them to make themselves their own dinner or lunch too so that I can get other things done. They are self sufficient on homework (other than occasional questions, but I encourage them to google or use other resources on their own before coming to me), they walk home from school, they spent about 50% of their time out of the house playing with friends. So, much, much easier in our house!

Edited by mademille 2010-08-25 6:59 PM

I'll just chime in a bit here.  I have been doing the same thing OP has been doing since both my daughters were born...and what many of you do as well--train early in the morning before my family is up or later in the evening after my girls go to bed.  I have a very supportive husband & we communicate constantly about what we're doing.  Right now I coach cross country after school so our daughters will pop in to my classroom after school, say hi, and walk across the hall to his classroom when I leave.  He takes care of dinner, etc.  As soon as I get home it's family time.  In the spring, he coaches softball so we work around his schedule. 

Funny side note:  the other day I was itching to get out on my bike.  Cross country practice didn't get over until 6pm so I thought, well, I'm not sacrificing time with my kids to get out on the bike.  I got home just as my daughters were taking off--"Bye mom, we're going to watch a football game" and they walked on down to the football field to watch a PeeWee game.   I guess I'm more sensitive to family time than they are!

I have a wife and four children - 7, 5, 3, and 20 months.

Right now all I do are Sprints, and I train about 1-2 hours per week. A little more the last two weeks before a race. I find it's sufficient for my goals (not trying to compete with anyone but myself at this point).

When they're a little older I may expand my horizons and do an Olympic, but at this stage that is too much of a commitment.

This has been my first year training. I am big on spending time with my kids, 3 and 5. I work full time and they are in daycare when not in school. The last thing I want to do at the end of the workday is stick them in the gym daycare or even leave them with DH. I want to spend a few hours with them before they go to bed.

Lucky for us, I am (usually) a morning person and DH is (usually) a night person. I do my tri training in the morning before they are up, and he does his marathon training at night after they are in bed. It's working for us so far. It's getting too dark in the morning for my biking now, but my last race of the season is 3 weeks away. I will tough it out til then and then likely mix up my off-season training (i.e. biking at the gym in the morning and/or investing in a trainer).

I am another sprint distance-only person. I devote an hour a day, more or less, to training, and that's it. I am in it mostly for the participation right now, not for the competition. Better than not being in it at all! 

This has been a much needed post for me at this time in my life.

Just had our second child 4 months ago and we have a 2 year old at home. I have come off of the last 5 years training and racing constantly. Last year did IM Louisville, have done 3 HIM's, 3 marathons, and countless other sprints, Olys, and the like. I was able to train for the IM and finish it with creativity and yes there was some stress here and there. So I thought with the second one I would slow down about a month and get back to training at night, in the morning, and at work (fireman and we can workout at work).

Time for the wake up call. 2 kids are much much harder than 1 was at first. Our 2 year old who used to sleep like a champ no longer sleeps and then is upset all day. And our 4 month old is up constantly. I barely have time for a shower let alone a 3 hour ride. I have tried and tried but am to exhausted and stressed to get anything in. (Have only done 2 sprints and an Oly this year and the Oly was pushing it). I haven't swam in a month, ran once last week, and the bike I believe is still in the garage but haven't looked at it in a while so am not sure.

Thank you all for helping me see that this is just a hobby and that I cannot stress about missed workouts and declining fitness. I will focus more on the idea that in a couple (couldn't write few) years I will get back at it. Someday I will look back on these days and do not want to remember them as days that I regret because I was so selfish.

Wow...great to see all the various stories.  I had two sprints slated for this summer, but both were preempted by last minute family obligations involving our three daughters. Still haven't done a tri, but those will always be there. For now I love my training. I think I can podium in my AG at Best in Training...

I would say just be VERY flexible these next couple months. Doing those tris might be possible, it might not be. There are a lot of factors at play. I would wait to sign up for those races until the week before and make your finally decision then based on how things are going.

I have 3 kids ages 5,3, and 1. And I do a lot of the things others have posted (invisible training, taking a jogging stroller, etc) but I always know that training sessions or races can be canceled at the last minute due to the family and I'm ok with that. Flexibility is big.

Only just caught-up with this thread.  Interesting stuff.  Fully agree with Michael's philosophy and can't imagine doing what I do if I wasn't a "morning person" and didn't have some flexibility in my work schedule.  Also agree that while it never gets "easy", it does get "easier" as the kids become a little more self-sufficient (I guess that's true even if you're not training for a triathlon!).

Just one extra observation...  I'm an "older dad" - just turned 50 and my kids are 9 and 6.  I got into triathlon and my wife supports my training efforts because of the kids.  I want to stay fit and healthy so as to be able to fully enjoy and participate in our very full and active family life for many years to come.  We look at training as a form of health insurance and are prepared to make a few sacrifices for it.

I do also find it gratifying that my oldest is taking a serious interest and is eyeing a couple of kids tris next year and a nice "daddy daughter" event that's coming-up.

 

Edited by JollyRoger 2010-09-08 6:33 AM

x2  

And just want to add that it does not get any easier as the kids get older.  I have 2 in High School and between a full time job, a couple of rental properties, kids sports & school commitments, the wifes job, doing my share around the house, playing taxi cab driver......... training 12 to 15 per week takes lots of creativity, communication and lots of early mornings. You have to decide how important it is to you!  After much discussion, we have already come to the conclusion that anything longer than a HIM is out of the picture until both kids are off to college.

This user's post has been ignored.

It is hard to balance it all. I work, have 2 kids who play soccer and volleyball (that's what's in season now) and am taking a full time graduate course load. When my kids were younger, I had your philosophy but now, if I sleep in on a Sunday a bit then do a ride in the afternoon, it's no skin off my back. I spend a lot of time with them during the summer and everyday after school I am there. I realize that sometimes, I do have to have "me" time.

That being said-i do not let training come before any kind of games. Every now and then I will train then get there half way through, but again, sometimes, me time and getting a bit of extra sleep is worth the "moodiness" level than missing 1/2 of a soccer game! 

Dude - seriously....I make the same commute to NYC everyday. I get my in the gym when it opens at 4AM, take my shower and get dressed there and catch a 6:30 train from Trenton to New York Penn Station. I have two boys under 3 years old and my wife is a RN that works night shifts three days a week.

You have to find ways to do it. And that schedule was while I was attempting to find time for Timberman 70.3 training.

My suggestion - get a good baby jogger you can use when your kid turns 6 months old and only do Sprint or Olympic distance races. That way you can get by on 4-6 hours a week of training.

Any distance longer you are probably fooling yourself - like I did for Timberman.

Edited by michael2_19030 2010-09-09 9:07 AM

Some great advice here, and a lot of it may work, although I'm skeptical it'll be as easy as getting a baby jogger, at least for a few months.

Let me say this, as a full-time teaching mom to 2 boys under the age of four and married to a head football coach/athletic director/asst principal---I remember when our second son was born (our oldest was adopted, so it was different since he didn't come home till 9mo old), it was the beginning of football season and there were many, many days when my husband would come home to a wife in tears and 2 tiny, needy kids. (Kids are only 21 months apart) I hated football. Hated it. I needed way more help than he could give that time of year.

Fast forward 2 years--last year was a little easier. This year, even easier, dealing w/two little boys on my own (I also started doing tris this year, and there's no way I could've the previous 2 years).

What I'm trying to say is, if you start training after the baby is born, and your wife shows signs of distress, resentment, depression, and so on, stop doing so much. Cut back, for now. For a while. You have things worked out now, but your schedule will change drastically for a while when baby #2 comes along. The new baby will not follow your allotted time schedule. Your wife (and you) may desperately need sleep, or a break, or time alone w/the older child during the time you've set aside to train. As a PP said, going from 1 to 2 small children is 10 times as hard, not twice as hard! You're young, and you have years ahead of you to train. I long to train for a HIM for 2011, but it just may not work out, w/football, work, a 2yo and an almost-4yo. I may have to wait a while to train that much.

Best of luck!!