Dating (Page 2)

Here is a tip to all you single fellas:
It might be prudent to scrub your Facebook photo albums of any lingering pictures of you and your Ex...! Even if he/she is your baby momma/daddy, it's kinda offsetting to be Facebook-stalking photos and see your family vacations with the two of you looking smitten.

You'll thank me later!

  

Do what I did...get involved with someone saying that you are not interested in a relationship because they are older than you and then fall in love and get married :-D  (dt is 18 years older than me...but as I explain to him...even when he was 17 he was still probably telling the "kids" to get off of his lawn...)

Actually, that should be a rule that everyone should follow if you are single, dating and plan to add some of those dates as friends or potential something else.

I'll be 50 so ideally mid-40's or up but I would think anyone under 35 is too young. My biking buddy is 23 and when we go out to eat everyone assumes I'm her dad!

Ha, that's what Photoshop is for! I remember when my grandmother died and we cleaned up her house all the family pictures had my grandfather cut out of them. Kind of creepy!

I don't FB. I LI for business and if you wanted to get in touch with me you probably already have

Lisa, I'm sure you have your reasons for feeling this way, but I'd like to offer a counterpoint.

Assuming that the marriage is truly a thing of the past (I know, I'm assuming the person is actually, truly available and not merely and newly single), then I'd give the benefit of doubt if I saw happy photos. A divorced person, especially one with children, has a past. I don't think it speaks ill of them if they have photos that demonstrate a happy past. I like a man who can speak well of his former spouse, who can talk about the good that was in the marriage. If that is demonstrated in photos, all the better. It means that he recognizes what a happy relationship looks/feels like, and he knows how to participate in one. It suggests that he has the wherewithal to create a happy relationship once again.

It's the men who trash their former wives or have nothing good to say about their marriage or past relationships who I find questionable. It makes me question whether they know how to create or even recognize a healthy relationship. Not all relationships will move into a marriage state, but that doesn't mean they are/were bad or destructive relationships.

Excellent points, Renee.

I have to question though, why they've chosen to keep photos posted like that. Are they over the relationship - being the main question.  

To me, Facebook is a place to communicate and portray to the world who we are in a nutshell - without the luxury of explaining the details of your life story. The first impression I get from seeing photos with an ex is that he is not ready to let go of that part of his life just yet. I could be wrong though.

Of course, the desire to have (or not have) more children would play a big part of your decision. Young women with no children, far more often than not, want to have children. Before getting involved with someone, you need to take a good look at yourself. Do you want more children? If not, you need to be very, very, very clear with whomever you date that you do not plan on having more kids. They will either find that compatible with their goals, or they'll thank you for your time and move on. Then there are the ones who will assume that they are just the person to change your mind about kids. People will lie about what they really want. Some people don't even know what they want.

Personally, I prefer someone of my generation.  Paramount is someone who knows and likes himself.

It's natural that you would question; we do that even when we don't have photos staring back at us. I guess I'm saying that we shouldn't assume the worst when faced with the photos.

I'll use myself as an example. I have plenty of photos of myself with my former husband, B. Photos from family ski trips, photos with him with my nieces and nephews. They are reminders of very happy times, a happy past. B is still a part of my present; we care about each other, he's important to me. I like that I can finally look at, and even display, those photos without tearing up or feeling regrets. I have a past, some of it was very, very good. I'm entitled to cherish those memories and the photos that remind me of the good that was in our marriage.

If someone were threatened by my photos, then they would really feel threatened by my good relationship with and feelings toward B. Since I'm not giving up that relationship, that is something they would have to either accept or move on. You either trust me or you don't. If you're insecure, I'd be happy to give reassurances and answer any questions. But I won't be pressured into removing photos or changing my respectful and above-reproach relationship with my former husband.

I have no regrets about being married, nor would I ever trash my ex. She is a great mom and gave us two wonderful children. Because of that we will always have a bond. You can love someone without being in love with them. That doesn't mean you don't move on.

Honestly, I agree with Renee, especially when it comes to divorced people with kids. To not put them first is just plain selfish.

Isn' the universally accepted formula: ( Your Age / 2 ) + 7 ?

I think it depends on how the married/relationship ended (Assuming the relationship is really over). If it was an amicable break up and you have kids together then it's not odd, just a part of life. For me personally I think that would be attractive because it would show that they have the capability to end something amicably without anger (this is actually a big thing for me). The older we get the more "baggage" people will have and we have to deal with it without jealously.

Now saying that he shouldn't make it look like they are still together with family pictures or something if he is on FB or online dating but in general life it's ok to still have pictures.

That is for a "midlife" crisis.

I think what Lisa is trying to say is more along the lines of the photos where you two look smitten (like she actually said above). Family photos from a vacation? Nice. Photos of important family events, like grandma's 90th birthday? Totally ok.

Engagement photos? Wedding photos? Photos of you two in a romantic setting? Not so much.

My last ex-boyfriend did me the favor of deleting every picture of us together on facebook within days of the break-up. I'm not saying it should be like that, but the romantic memories should be left behind and not paraded around/plastered all over social media - especially if you're looking for someone new.

That's an interesting thought. I get that the mother of the children is special, will always be, etc. And I agree with Renee, it says a lot about a person who can be civil and even pleasant with an Ex. Good qualities for sure.

I just think there is a better way to communicate that, other than resorting to keeping photos on your virtual mantel (do you keep these same photos framed on your living room wall or mantle?). Let's just say that if I didn't know he was divorced, I would not know AT ALL by looking at his profile. To me, that is not exactly sending the message that you're "single and ready to mingle."

I heard about it on How I Met Your Mother.

Patrick was 30, which made 22 his lowest age. Luckily I was 24. Haha.

I've heard the formula for people coming out of long relationships looking to have fun.

For me it would be 24, for Brian it would be 30 - 32

They are fun sometimes.

I guess I could deal with that if we really hit it off but I am at the point where I wouldn't mind a serious relationship.

I had someone once say they wouldn't go out with anyone faster than she was (meaning me). We wound up dating for a while but it didn't work out. We broke up during a marathon. I am not making that up, it was beyond bizarre.

Yes, I do. I don't have a Facebook account. I have framed photos of my former husband with my adorable nephew, another of the two of us with my niece sitting between us (fantastic view of snow covered trees in the floor to ceiling windows behind us). One of the photos sits on my nightstand. We look very happy; that's a memory worth keeping. He wasn't just my husband, he was uncle to my sisters' children.

I don't, however, display the 'couple' photos of us. We aren't a couple and those aren't the memories I hold onto or want front and center. While I don't display the photos, I have retained them. My husband was my family; we tried to create our own family for 10 years. I could no more destroy those photos than photos of my genetic family. 

What you see as 'communicating' and 'resorting to' some of us see as simply displays of our life memories. The photos aren't about you or prospective dates. They are about us, who we are and where we've been.

That said, I do understand that some people would use such photos to keep distance in a relationship, to breed insecurity and distrust in a relationship, to send a message that you aren't important. Some people are passive aggressive like that, unfortunately. And, yes, some people haven't gotten over their previous marriage or relationship and the photos might be an indicator of that, too. That's why you take the time to get to know someone and not leap to conclusions that might be erroneous.

When it comes to other men who have been in my life, I don't keep those photos - digital or otherwise. Those persons were never family.

There are a number of pictures of all 4 of us or at family gatherings. I have no pictures of just the two of us either hanging up in my house or online. And neither does she. It would definitely send a mixed message to the kids, too!