Am I being unreasonable? (Page 3)

I had to deal with this exact situation from your husbands side.  Before I was a triathlete/runner, my wife was a member of a run group that was mostly men.  She ran every single night with them while I was at home by myself.  We had a strong marriage, and I'm very secure, but it still bothered me that she was spending every night with all these other guys. 

It's a natural response!!!

If he wasn't jealous, I would be worried. 

Eventually, I started running with them and found out they were just a great group of people and we became a very close and tight knit group.  I started doing triathlon because of the whole situation.  Unfortunately, my wife has beat me at every race we've done...

Eh.... I think we're getting training mixed up with just hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex.  Personally, I cannot handle mixing athletics and training with personal feelings for someone else. 

I guess that stems from prefering a "tougher" approach to training and that's not what I look for in a personal relationship with someone.  If I'm out training with a partner and they tell me to push or harden up, I'll take it from them, but if my fiance were to say something like that to me it just doesn't work. 

I want encouragement from him vs. telling me to harden up.  Believe me...he has tried it because he is a coach and is used to "coaching," but I don't respond to it well coming from him... At all.  From someone else, male or female, bring it on. 

It would be pretty darn unlikely for me to develop feelings for someone I'm strictly training with and, if it happened, then there was probably something wrong with my existing relationship in the first place.  I wouldn't regularly train with someone who didn't push me mentally and physically and I wouldn't take that kind of talk from someone I was romantically interested in.  They're two separate things for me.  I actually don't see how people can train with, or be coached by, their significant others. 

A longtime girlfriend cheated on me too, years ago. What I realized from that experience is that there are many, many things that I cannot control.

I believe that if your partner is going to cheat on you, there's not much that you can do about it. Worrying and being jealous are just creations of your mind. They result in wasted energy that hurts you and maybe your relationship too.

Compromise and communication are very important. Having said that, I also realize that there are many people here who are much more conservative with regards to the appropriateness of men and women interacting socially. My wife has men friends who she eats lunch with. Could that turn into something romantic? Maybe, I've never met these men, she has only talked about them. I trust her, though, and also, I realize that she takes our relationship very seriously.

But hey, ultimately I have no control over what she does, and nor do I want to, she's my wife, not my property.

That's because you have an ability to compartmentalize, whereas many people do not.  I fall into your category, as the last thing I am thinking of while training in any discipline is getting romantic with someone.  The closest I've gotten to swapping fluids while exercising is getting a nice drop of sweat in my eye from my spotter while lifting (yeah, that was a little gross).  However, many people, like my wife, do not have this ability to separate their lives into little pockets of differing reality.  Everything she does has a corresponding purpose with the rest of her life, and she does not understand it when I can "shut off" things.  However, one reason we work together is because we differ so much, but I still respect her.  She can't cook; I do.  I hate to clean; she does not.  I work out; she works hours on her classroom.  Plenty of other examples.  It all comes down to respecting each other's quirks or letting them go, so someone else can.

Then I really do not see why "you are lost without your training partner".... speaking as a husband  

I don't know... it doesn't sound like he's jealous but more like he has issues with the appropriateness of her training solo with another guy.  I don't think it's fair to judge this guy on his feelings, because they are what they are. 

To aquagirl, I wonder how he would feel if this guy were your triathlon coach?  Would a professional relationship change the situation for him? 
As far as the original question goes, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be upset with your husband, but I also don't think it's unreasonable for him to ask you to stop training with this guy if it makes him uncomfortable. 

I have always said it Dan, you are the frikcin' MAN!!!

I don't think I agree with this POV. It suggests that you can't develop new interests after you marry - that you stay the same till you're dead.  My wife has put up with me getting into all sorts of activities in the 24 years we've been married, and I've put up with her developing new (and time consuming) interests as well.

And I know several other posters commented about training alone since it is an individual sport, but how many of us really push ourselves to the limits more when we are alone than with a training partner?  I know I've pushed harder with a buddy, and that's better informed me of where I thought my limits were.  Besides, if we all took the "train alone, race alone" philosophy to its logical end point, we would never use a trainer, since we won't have a trainer or coach on the field.

As for the OP, I think I am on the fence overall. On the one hand, a single weekly training session with a member of the opposite sex should not be a deal-breaker in your marriage.  If it is, I would view it more as a symptom of something deeper underneath. On the other hand, it shouldn't make or break your training either.  I have to believe that at some level not only is your SO acting on his insecurities, but also that you might be too - that this is a proxy for other issues of control that are acting themselves out in your relationship. (I know that sounds like a shrink's answer, but it comes with the territory for me)

Don't get this point at all.. so you are saying that the training partner is just that .. a training partner?.. or are you saying since it is a women and a man alone that it looks like more? 

X2 on that point. Missing those one or two session a week leaves you lost? If I were your husband and knew that missing a couple of hours a week training with another guy left you lost, I would be worried.

barqhead - 2008-08-05 1:55 PM I have to say I am shocked by the replies and I live in the South (generally old-fashioned and conservative). I think I am setting a good example to my children that fitness is important to me. I think I am setting a good example to my children that it is ok to hang out with members of the opposite sex because they are friends and ONLY friends. I don't want my daughter to think it isn't ok to be friends with somebody just because they are male. I ride with one fellow in particular because we are compatibly paced (for the most part), I trust him and he was an EMT and would have great medical knowledge if we crash. He pushes me, I push him and we aren't nasty about it (most of the time ). He is my friend and I would never go out with him as more than a friend even if I were single. I believe that feeling is mutual. That is why we get along so good. My hubby trusts me and my training partner. We do long rides with only each other. I see people out when I'm riding and if they ask if this is my husband, I say no, this is my friend such and such. I see no reason to be weird about it and no reason to lie. We are not hiding anything. At least I know why I don't have many riding partners. I guess they feel the same way as a lot of the posters on this thread. It is a shame because it is so difficult to find folks that you are evenly paced with and to have those numbers limited even more because of some feared stigma about members of the opposite sex is sad. I thought we were living in the 21st century, not the Victorian era. Pam

 I agree 345963786537892%.  Are we to believe that all guys are just out to have sex with women, and nothing more?  What does it really say about us as people?  I like ot think that the people who have problems with this, they dont trust themselves.

It all starts someplace. 

I am with lisac957.

I'd be uptight if my wife had a male "training partner."  She is not a tri-lete but has already put the kabosh on me training with femmes.

CP2K

It is a strange choice of words.  Actually, even if it was a female, I would think it strange. 

Not necessarily at you, but at the situation.  So let me get this right...I walk with my wife all the time.  But somehow, when I help a biker who happens to be female, I am setting some sort of bad example.  IMHO, the example that is set by that is:  Your wife is the only female that you should hang out with at any time.  If that's the case, fine.  No worries, just not my bag.

There have been many times that I have helped out cyclists not only stranded on the side of the road, but bonking, etc.  And when we get back to the parking lot and they want my info to ride again, male or female, they can have it.  I am training...not looking for random sex.  Perhaps they are new to the area, perhaps they like to be pushed in training, insert reason here. 

And the first thing I would do when I got home would be, "Nan...guess who I gave my phone number to today".